Allan: What are you doing Saturday?
Woman: Committing suicide
Allan: What about Friday?
----Play It Again Sam
I love this movie,if you haven't seen it, get it. This quote was always one I remembered and actually reminded me during my using days of how I was and the people that I was associating with. It also makes me grateful for the new friends I have made in recovery and It reminds me also of friends I had before my using days and never really knew of my using but now that I've come out of the shadows with my recovery want absolutely nothing to do with me. Even more the people that have stuck with me during my abuse and have provided all the support and encouragement possible during my recovery.Well I am going to comment on each one of these.
My using associates or we can even say my using friends. These"friends" well I see these weren't really friends as I thought they were at one point. As an addict I was used to treating myself at animalistic levels. So if I treated myself like this why wouldn't I hang with people that treated me like this? During my "just one more" part of my life that was all that mattered to myself and my so called friends. They didn't care about my well being. They didn't care about my feelings. They didn't care if I lived or died. When I was in ICU not a single one of them visited,called,wrote,nothing not a word. I accept that though because all they cared about was "just one more". I was also in that state of mind during that period of my life. Hell I would walk over them if they needed help. I would take anything they had if it meant I could get that "just one more".There was no loyalty,no trust,no team attitude,there was no love. That's OK though some have stopped and work on their recovery today and that is awesome I hope they do it.Today I love them but I must love them from afar because if we still hung I'd be afraid of that old saying "old habits never die". Some are dead and that is a terrible because they didn't give themselves a chance at a new life. Some are incarcerated and will be for a very long time. I hope they can find recovery while in prison. Some are still playing the game,they just aren't ready yet. For those people I just pray & hope that they can stop before death stops them or the legal system does.
The new friends I have made in recovery are awesome some I consider family. These are people who care about my well being and people who understand what I've done and put myself through. These are people who want to help me with this new life of recovery. People that can call me out on my shit. Give me guidance and most of all love. These are people I would go to the ends of the earth for. These friends know exactly who they are.
For those friends who knew me before my addiction but now that I have stepped out of the shadows and want nothing to do with me, I say that's OK I still love you and I understand that maybe you just can't forgivie for what I have done. I hope that one day you can and see the things I'm doing to be that person I was and maybe even better. Maybe some of you just don't know how to approach me that's OK when you do figure that out I am here and will be thrilled and honored to have you back in my life. Finally some of you just might need some time and that is something I also get and I want you to be comfortable, just know I will be here living my life all over again clean.
Those people that have stuck with me during everything and continue to support and encourage me everyday.I can't come up with the words that are good enough and deserving enough to tell you how much you mean to me and how much I love each one of you. All I feel I can do is show you how hard I work each day to be living clean and thank god how lucky I am to have all of you in my life. I wake up everyday thinking of how I couldn't do any of this with out you and how sorry I am for any pain that I caused. You are my rock and the air I breath everyday day.
We all make mistakes, we all make bad decisions and those things shouldn't dictate our lives but if you are suffering with this disease of addiction it may seem completely hopeless but I guarantee it doesn't have to be like that. It can change,this disease can be arrested but you have to want it and you have to make that choice and take that first step.
