Time Can Change Me But I Can't Change Time

I knew I just knew this day would come. It actually came last Friday when I was at this meeting. I've been waiting for it. You would think maybe just maybe I would be happy about it, maybe even ecstatic. I'm not. Why?  Not sure to be honest. I mean this is what I did my whole life until about nine years ago. This is what I loved to do. This is what I lived for this was my breath, my soul, my mojo right?
So what's the problem? I don't know and believe me its got me pissed off.
OK if your still with me thanks but I can't promise it will get much better at all. So you have an idea of what I am talking about I'll have to turn back the hands of time.

OK I was an entertainer, musician, singer what ever you want to call it for a huge chunk of my life about 17 years and damn I was good. I had to go through many many obstacles but that didn't mean shit to me I had one goal and that was it. I accomplished a lot of my goal to do my art full time and I accomplished that for many years. I've done things and been to places people will never have the chance to experience. I've hung with the best and have been treated the way people only could wish for and as much as that may sound egotistical I can promise you this I never ever took a minute of it for granted.
Well about 7,8 or 9 years ago I can't really remember right now I said fuck it I don't want to do this anymore. I've had enough. Why did I say that? Not really sure, maybe the drugs became more important. There was also a ton and I mean a ton of other shit going on in my life which I am not going to get into so I think it may have been a combination of everything. Anyway that was it. Yeah I burned a lot of bridges at the end and its something I've tried to repair. Some people may never get past that and even though that sucks I accept that. I will also say I helped many many peoples lives and career. I put many people's wants ahead of my own and my first wife. We sacraficed a lot and that was my own fault there were many things I should have done differently but I can't foucus on those things because those instances are out of my control there is nothing I can do about the past except for make the future better right? So like I said I've tried to make amends where I could and some people can't accept that and I understand that again and if your one of those people reading this hey I love ya and when your ready I'm here.

So since the day I said "fuck it" I've regretted it everyday since but yet everyday since I haven't been able to say " OK let's do it". I have been getting stronger everyday though and Friday after having a brief conversation with someone I had just met and even though it has been my mind rather seriously the past couple of weeks this conversation ignited a spark within me probably because he told me he was going through something and guess what. Well what he told me was exactly what I have been going through. Obviously it was awesome just to know someone was going thru the same thing. That spark was still flickering in me throughout the weekend but today I felt like I took a step backwards and it pissed me off. Im not giving up though I'll make it happen somehow someday.CH CH CH CH Changes