The Warning Signs of Relaspe

"You can never ever use successfully again", Just for Today", "If you go back out, You might not make it back" These are all sayings that I've heard throughout my recovery. These sayings are all well and good, but let's take a look at some of the Warning signs before the actual pick up.
Now I'm not a doctor, I'm not a psychologist, I'm not an expert of any kind. I have however done a lot of research and I am going on something I find helpful -previous experience.
Many people in long term recovery have relapsed but if you haven't it doesn't mean you have to. Remember what your mother used to say "If everybody jumped off a bridge it doesn't mean you have to".
Hopefully it means you have a strong program. Although the ugly head of addiction can reap its self at any time so once again between research and experience Here are some great warning signs you might be headed down relapse lane.

Self -Pity
Lots of it usually occurs. "Why me?' Or "No one cares"
Ego
"I got this" or "I'm better than them", Also putting yourself in dangerous situations like hanging with old using friends. Do this enough and it will wear you down.
Unrealistic Goal
"Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have". Don't set goals that you are not going to achieve anytime soon. This will lead to many of those feelings you want to avoid.
Impatience  People not doing what they should be or what you want them to. Things not happening at the pace you want them to.
Not using the tools of recovery- Meetings, Prayer, Social Networks, Meditation. This usually comes from boredom. You can't get bored with your program.
Lack of Gratitude
Forgetting where you came from and how much better things have become.
It Cant Happen to Me
If your disease is progressive like mine then you'll be in worse shape if you relapse.
Depression
Finding yourself being unaccountable or unreliable shows the need to get that crap out and talk about it.
Exhaustion
 Taking on to much at once like over working,trying to make up for lost time. This all brings up feelings that we don't want to have.
Recognizing these signs are so important and they usually happen long before the relapse happens so this way you can come up with a plan to get back on the right track.

Medical and Recovery

When i first got out into recovery, one of the first things i was told was that physical was a big thing when you come back from the war. They were right i had a grocery list of health problems and better health would help in my recovery.
I can say today 628 days later my grocery list is cut down to a convenient store list.

The  best thing i did though was I told my doctor  that i was in recovery. I asked him how he felt about that? I asked him if he had  ever treated an addict before. We decided after speaking a couple times that i should switch my primary care doctor. There were no hard feelings there was no yelling screaming  or any of those scenarios that we create in our heads. In fact after meeting with a specialist doctor i have had for many years he made a suggestion that i check out a doctor that he recommended.
I took that suggestion and i am so happy i did. My new primary doctor is the best. He stays on top of all of my health issues. He hooked me up with other specialist doctors who have recovering addicts  as patients.
Suddenly my health care has been a great experience. I don't dread going to my appointments anymore. As with my recovery, my health issues show progress. Add all this together i now care about my health. I want to get healthy.
Yes i have my issues with my health like smoking , losing weight etc etc and those i am getting to  i mean Rome wasn't built in a day.
So my advice to not only recovering addicts but anyone who feels like you progressing in your health, talk to your doctor or doctors. Communicate it might just be the best thing to help you get started.

It's Summer!!!!!

So I was reading Leah Miranda's post Top 10 Sober Summer Activities (#sobersummer). I was inspired to do my top 10 list ( Thanks Leah!!!). Now I must admit summer has been on my mind for ohhhh let's see since December 26 and I have been mentally putting the list together. Now are these total sober or clean events - No not by any stretch of the imagination but as long as I stay clean and sober. So I would suggest if your not sure if you can handle the surroundings don't put yourself in those surrounding's. Now I'm not saying I went and hung out in drug houses and bars last summer. In fact last summer was the first "clean" summer I had in decades but last summer was filled with anxiety and panic attacks too and I did attend some events that sold alcohol or had people getting high. I ended up going to the local jazz fest here twice last summer once to see Dr.John and once to see my all time fav Delbert McClinton but I went with a huge sober support who would have broken my arms if I tried anything ( Thanks Sean). I also went to see Steve Winwood, The Allman Brothers and Styx. Again I went with another supporter and left when I wanted to. Some may argue that that wasn't a smart for me so early but it worked. So anyway back to my Summer of 2015 list of things I plan on accomplishing.

1. Bonfires
OK I agree the above picture looks more like a California wildfire or a meteor landing but last summer I did some bonfires and for some reason they were so cool. I really can't tell you why.I mean all we did was try not to get eaten alive by insects and just shoot the shit but still it was relaxing and I was hanging with good friends and that was perfect for me. So more bonfires this summer I say.

2. ADK
OK not making a trip to the Adirondacks wouldn't make my summer  complete its something I have done since I was little and even though I missed many years because I was off doing something else. I went last year and spent the week with my niece and had an awesome time. So why not do it again. Something about that "peaceful easy feeling", breakfast at "Good Times", Ice Cream at "Northern Lights " fireworks on the dock. No cell, no internet, no TV.

3. Read a Book

It had been years since I had read a book. It had been years since I had learned anything. Last summer I decided to read a book but just not any book a book that would take some time to read. A book that I could learn from. A book I would enjoy. So I looked and looked and funny thing was the book was right in front of me the entire time. Heck the book is probably close to you. I picked The Bible. Now I was brought up catholic. Catholic elementary school, Catholic High School ( until I was asked to leave). But I had never opened up a Bible. Now while I was running in active addiction any thought of a higher power just did not exist except of course for my 911 higher power. So now being clean I was trying to find my spirituality my higher power. So if I'm gonna reconnect why not read the book. So I read the Old Testament last summer. I learned so much and it got me to reconnect with my higher power. Now this summer I will read the New Testament.

4. Grilling
There is nothing like the taste of a huge burger with the juice dripping off of it,all the condiments overflowing onto a hard bun. Or the perfect taste of a tender steak with grilled corn on the cob and the unbelievable taste popping salt potatoes. Now if you were at any of the parties I was at last summer you know I can't grill for shit but I do love to eat and I do look good in an apron.

5. North Wildwood, NJ,
I miss North Wildwood so much. I lived there when I was in my late teens and I had some of the best summers ever. I lived in a 2nd floor shack by the ocean and I guarantee there is nothing like it. The ocean air, the unbelieveable seafood, stress less and beautiful plus I got a friend who has never been to the ocean who am I to deny that to them. Sounds like a road trip !!!!

6. Cigars
 To me the pleasure of after a hard day of work going out on the back deck and smoking a couple of cigars with a few buddies and the conversation starts flowing. Politics anyone?

7.Hometown Festivals
At least in the town I currently live in from about May to September There seems  to be a festival every night of the week. The International Jazz Fest, Corn Hill Arts Festival, Park Ave Fest, Clothes Line Fest. I could go on and on. Grab a Red Oiser ( great roast beef sandwich). Plus I love to people watch so I will definitely be hitting some of those.

8.Block Island,Rhode Island
This place is a hidden jewel. Block Island is like the Hamptons for the middle class. The way to get there is to take a ferry from Point Judith,NY you can bring your car on the ferry if you want but I suggest leave the car and rent a moped or bicycle to go around the island. Lighthouses are a stop you want to see. All the restaurants are top notch. Yes there are touristy shops and all that but it doesn't look or even feel like it. The beaches seem like they never end and the locals are the nicest people you'll ever meet.The island actually has that old southern look and attitude. I love going here. A three day stay is ideal for me and really gives me that chance to suck it all in.

9. Do Something for Someone
Whether you volunteer or contribute to a cause  that is awesome but try doing something nice for someone in your family or someone who is a person who does for others all the time but its rare

they are recognized. I am actually taking my 82 year old mother to go see Kieth Urban in July. I am not a fan of country music and to be honest I have never even heard a Kieth Urban song. But hey my mom has a crush on Kieth Urban and thats OK with me so were going to go to the show.

10.Stay Clean

This actually will be the most important thing I will do all summer. I must keep my program active,attend my meetings and do my service work. With keeping true to staying clean how can I not have a great summer.

That Burning Desire

Anybody can quit drugs. People do it all the time.Everyday hundreds probably thousands of people quit doing drugs. Having that burning desire to quit is great but let me tell you a secret. Staying off drugs is where the success lies.
I found the first 6 months to be the toughest. It seemed that not only every day did I not only have that burning desire to use,but I used to have that burning desire every hour it seemed, sometimes every five minutes and believe me it sucked and if you've ever kicked the shit you know exactly what I'm talking about.
So I've mentioned two different desires. The burning desire to quit and The burning desire to use.
Now I actually didn't have the Burning Desire to quit in the beginning . I basically was OK with using.Sure I knew things were getting out of hand but hey I always got away or out of everything so I figured I got this no problem.

Well let me tell you where that wonderful thinking got me.

 OK I wasn't kidnapped by 7 dwarfs ( Although there was this one night in Mexico where I woke up with a donkey,2 midgets , a gorgeous little Latina and chocolate sprinkles all over my boxer shorts - don't ask) but it got me dead. Litterly I mean dead like the ticker stopped ticking. The heart stopped pounding. My savior was a nurse a 21 year old nurse actually. This nurse came in to do one of those medication wake ups at four in the morning and saw that I was, well to be blunt - dead. After going into a coma for a while and then 3 fun filled weeks  in the ICU I was able to have that burning desire to stop using. Scary uh?

Hell now did I not only have a burning desire to quit. I had a burning desire to live. So I told myself, self, your desire to quit using had to be as big as your desire to live. So that desire is what pushes me each day but  yet the desire to use is still there, maybe not every day but it is still there right around the corner. Ready, waiting, tempting,calling,pushing, doing whatever it can to get me to get one more and that's when the desire can can turn unbearable, lighting my addiction on fire because it knows if it gets me to get one more there will be a thousand more at least. So what do I do? Well I know that each day I don't use I get stronger so I can use all the tools I have learned from that 12 step program I practice. One of those tools I've learned is to share. When I get that burning desire to use I can get my ass to a meeting and share that desire with another addict(s). Thank God for that program uh?

So desire is a funny little fucker who has many meanings. Desire can be a life saver or it can be a life ender. Be Strong.

#addictionrecovery

#livinglifealloveragain

#drugabuse

#superdave

Being Clean and Sober and going to College

After seeing The Anonymous People yesterday, in the documentary was a part about Teenagers that may be in Recovery and how going off to college could be a potential relapse. This makes total sense and something I have never really thought about because after all I am just a wee past my college years. I ended up doing some research on this and actually found about 20 or so different "Sober" colleges and I was surprised to find some well known colleges.
So what exactly is a "Clean and Sober College"?
Well it is exactly what it sounds like. A college where college aged students can go to learn and live in a substance free enviorment.
These colleges offer the same majors as any of the non-clean and sober colleges. It is awesome though that this offered

1. Brigham Young University, Provo,Utah'
2. Wheaton University, Wheaton,Illinois
3. College of The Ozarks, Point Lookout,MO
4. Thomas Aquinas College,Santa Paula,CA
5. US Military Academy, West Point, NY
6. Grove City College, Grove City,PA
7. Wesleyan College, Macon,GA
8. U.S. Coast Guard Academy, New London,CT
9. U.S. Naval Academy, Annapolis, MD
10. Calvin College, Grand Rapids, Mich
11. City University of New York- Brooklyn College, Brooklyn,NY
12. City University of New York- New York City College,NY,NY
13. City University of New York-Queens College,Flushing,NY
14. Mills College, Oakland,CA
15. Agnes Scott College,Atlanta,GA
16. Franklin W. Olin College of Engineering, Needham,MA
17. California Institute of Technology,Pasadena,CA
18. Simmons College,Boston,MA
19. Wellesley College,Wellesley,MA
20. Xavier College,New Orleans,LA

Trials and Tribulations

No one ever said this was going to be easy.No one ever said "Here is a magic pill, take it and your cured". Their was no guarantee. Their still is no guarantee. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and just maybe that's why I became so passionate about it because I really am fighting for my life everyday and that sucks but that is it. Do I want to make this something I have to deal with everyday for the rest of my life? Hell no. Do I have a choice? Hell no.
It kills me sometimes because people who don't have this disease or even people that can be weekend warriors and never have to worry about it taking over your entire life have no idea.Many people are absolutely clueless about the disease of addiction. That is not my concern right now or be the reason I'm once again writing about my life for anyone to see.
Me writing these posts each day actually do much more for me than anyone reading this. Maybe just maybe someone reading this might not pick up or maybe someone who is going through life with the disease of addiction can relate to something I'm going through and maybe they feel a little bit better. Now that's all and good and I hope that either one of those things can happen. But that is not my goal my goal is completely self centered.  I stay clean for myself. Not anyone else. I know that that comment can sound selfish but it is the only way this can work. It is sort of like the comment I can only be strong for someone as strong as I am myself.
Even though I know this will be a life long journey I do know each day gets a little bit easier and that makes me a little bit stronger and I am extremely lucky that I have been given the tools to make that happen and I do this through the 12 step program I practice every day.
I do get very frustrated at times though believe it or not. It is so frustrating sometimes to see people accomplishing goals that they set in life and are accomplishing them. Maybe they haven't accomplished them but they are still working towards them. These things frustrate me, not because I don't want to see them do this but because I am not able to do that right now. I need to continue to get better physically, mentally,spirituality. Could it be jealously? I'm sure in ways it is. I try not to look at it like that, I try to look at it as more of a motivation. Could I be doing more each day to get better? Probably.

I think of things like a person trying to get to the top of a mountain. Not a specific mountain just a big freaking mountain and as I do go through my trials and tribulations each day I hope to get a little bit closer to the top. Some days on my climb the weather might be foggy and I have to get through that fog to clearer sky. Sometimes it might be stormy and I need to take cover. Not everyday do I make great strides in my climb and that's OK . Some days I have to help other people in their climb. I have to watch myself because as in life there can be various pitfalls or dangers so not only must I be physically ready but mentally ready to be able to outsmart those dangers and spiritually strong to be able to ask for help or rely on something greater than myself to get me a little bit further in my climb. I also tell myself its OK if I might stumble on a root or a branch on my climb as long as I don't put myself in the bears path I'll be OK. I don't want to be king of the mountain. I don't want to claim that mountain as mine and fight anyone who also may be on "The Climb". I just want to find my little spot that I can build upon, that I can can develop,that I can protect,that I can each day reflect and be satisfied,be content and be thankful.

Life can be rough sometimes and life can be wonderful but its not just what you make out of it. To me its what your mind decides it is. Your mind can make things wonderful and your mind can screw with you something awful and sometimes you can control that and sometimes you can have no control over what your mind thinks or controls what you do. This is why I feel the best way you can have somewhat control is by having an active spirit, an active soul. The stronger your spirituality is, the more active your spirituality is. The more content, the more peaceful each day can be. The only way your spirit can be active is by having your physical body be active. I am not talking about going to the gym and working out everyday. I am talking about getting up and moving. Something that simple can be huge. Some days we just don't want to get out of bed and we don't want to face the world or deal with anyone. Imagine how we feel on those days and imagine how that little fire inside you feels. Probably just a flicker. I also find the more I am in touch with my spirituality or my soul the more I am less judging the more I am not only more in touch with myself but I can be more in touch with other people and understand people may have their own problems or issues going on in their own lives. I am going to always judge. It is inevitable our minds are trained to do that. We judge constantly everyday about many many things like people's appearances, what people are doing. I could go on and on as I am sure we all can. What I have learned though is if we can just slow down on the judging even a minimal amount. It can spread and create a huge amount of positivity. So what's the deal? I need to reread this and listen to my own advice.

Big Spike in Tickets for The Rochester Premier of The Anonymous People at The Little

We had a large spike in Ticket Sales for the Rochester,NY for the premier of The Anonymous People documentary. Some press is starting to kick in and more is expected as the last great P/R push begins for our April 6,2014 3:00 pm showing. If you do not purchase tickets online the only time the The Little will be selling them is day of show, so if you don't have your tickets yet buy them now online. You may click on the link below to purchase online. If you are unable to attend please consider buying a ticket for a recovering  addict who cannot afford to see this showing. I do have list of about ten people please contact me. Otherwise thanks for your support. After the showing a Q&A will be happening in the Little Cafe. Any questions about this or anything to do with the showing please contact me.
Just to let everyone know after this event I have been asked to put on a very large recovery event. Since all details are being still worked out I cannot speak of it yet but I should be able to announce it on Sunday. The reason I mention this here is for two reasons I am going to need a large volunteer committee so I would like to mention that and if you can't make it to the showing please continue to watch for posts with announcements right here but for right now my energy is all about this showing so let's have a sellout. Thanks

gathr.us/screening/7225

Depending on When You Read This 4 or 5 Days Left

gathr.us/screening/7225

As you can see not many days left until Rochester's Premier of The Anonymous People at The Little Theater at 3:00 PM on April 6,2014. Why we are having such trouble getting press is beyond me. Yesterday many news outlets were scrambling to make sure we knew all about the unfortunate heroin overdose on a college campus here. They were First to tell us about the up rise in heroin overdoses this year in our area (mainly in suburbs). Oh yea the solution---- form a partnership with an area outpatient only facility with a president/CEO that makes such responsible comments to our misinformed media here of "No One Dies From Heroin Withdrawal, You Just Feel Like You Want To"

Really??? No ones ever died from Heroin withdrawl. Really OK with not even getting into that Mr President/CEO have you checked the statistics of Suicides during withdrawl. Really Really? I'm sure you feel outpatient is the answer to everything and detox and inpatient are a waste of healthcare dollars but is the Almighty dollar more important than maybe a few lives saved? Give me a break really. Meanwhile buy a ticket and see what a positive message of recovery can do.

Time Can Change Me But I Can't Change Time

I knew I just knew this day would come. It actually came last Friday when I was at this meeting. I've been waiting for it. You would think maybe just maybe I would be happy about it, maybe even ecstatic. I'm not. Why?  Not sure to be honest. I mean this is what I did my whole life until about nine years ago. This is what I loved to do. This is what I lived for this was my breath, my soul, my mojo right?
So what's the problem? I don't know and believe me its got me pissed off.
OK if your still with me thanks but I can't promise it will get much better at all. So you have an idea of what I am talking about I'll have to turn back the hands of time.

OK I was an entertainer, musician, singer what ever you want to call it for a huge chunk of my life about 17 years and damn I was good. I had to go through many many obstacles but that didn't mean shit to me I had one goal and that was it. I accomplished a lot of my goal to do my art full time and I accomplished that for many years. I've done things and been to places people will never have the chance to experience. I've hung with the best and have been treated the way people only could wish for and as much as that may sound egotistical I can promise you this I never ever took a minute of it for granted.
Well about 7,8 or 9 years ago I can't really remember right now I said fuck it I don't want to do this anymore. I've had enough. Why did I say that? Not really sure, maybe the drugs became more important. There was also a ton and I mean a ton of other shit going on in my life which I am not going to get into so I think it may have been a combination of everything. Anyway that was it. Yeah I burned a lot of bridges at the end and its something I've tried to repair. Some people may never get past that and even though that sucks I accept that. I will also say I helped many many peoples lives and career. I put many people's wants ahead of my own and my first wife. We sacraficed a lot and that was my own fault there were many things I should have done differently but I can't foucus on those things because those instances are out of my control there is nothing I can do about the past except for make the future better right? So like I said I've tried to make amends where I could and some people can't accept that and I understand that again and if your one of those people reading this hey I love ya and when your ready I'm here.

So since the day I said "fuck it" I've regretted it everyday since but yet everyday since I haven't been able to say " OK let's do it". I have been getting stronger everyday though and Friday after having a brief conversation with someone I had just met and even though it has been my mind rather seriously the past couple of weeks this conversation ignited a spark within me probably because he told me he was going through something and guess what. Well what he told me was exactly what I have been going through. Obviously it was awesome just to know someone was going thru the same thing. That spark was still flickering in me throughout the weekend but today I felt like I took a step backwards and it pissed me off. Im not giving up though I'll make it happen somehow someday.CH CH CH CH Changes

I Want it All

Wow that is how we are these days. Instant Gratification is that society that we live in. Does my clean time or my recovery have a shortcut to the promise land or paradise ?
Recovery is not just a straight line to follow I find there is actually 3 things I need to work on in order for Recovery to happen.
1.Physical - living the way I did for years, you can not expect to not have consequences. My medical records suddenly turned into an episode of The Walking Dead but since then I'm not a perfect picture of health but I'm nowhere near appearing on The Walking Dead.
2.Mind -  OK years of toxic thinking, having no feelings what so ever, add in a dash or two of paranoia makes a person ohh what can I call it maybe certifiable? OK maybe not that bad but not good either. With recovery  you have to only change one thing. Everything!! and its not gonna happen in one basketball season.
3.Spirit- OK did you read #'s 1 and 2 well hopefully you won't need much convincing on this one. Really being in touch with my inner self just is not going to happen overnight. But that with time gets better and a lot quicker than you'd expect.
Pain is a fact of life. It is going to happen to us all in fact if you have never experienced some type of pain at some point or points in your life well all I can say is You must be lying and should probably seek help because your one step away from.....aw forget it just seek help. Anyway you see being an addict I would need to mask that pain and guess how I did that? Being a recovering addict, I realize what that pain is whether it is something from the past or right now in the present I need to make a choice a choice I never gave myself. Do I let this pain consume me or do I learn from it and move forward? In my recovery today I learn and move forward.
Today being in recovery allows me to live life completely all the good and all bad. I can have feelings of love,excitement,happiness,fulfillment but I will no doubt have feeling of fear,doubt and pain. Instead of hiding or running away from these feelings I can now face these feelings head on. Today being a recovering addict is great because I can face life and all it has to offer the good and the bad.

The Show Will Go On

Thank You to all of you who reserved you're tickets. We have reached the minimum number that we needed in order have the screening which is awesome. 50 tickets were reserved. We now have 105 tickets left. So those of you that didn't reserve your tickets I would suggest doing that now. I expect that since the tip was reached we will begin to get some print and TV promotion. Thanks once again
www.gathr.us/screening/7225

Recovery CD Vol1

Recently someone asked me if I had to come up with a Recovery CD what songs would I have on it?

After much thought and consideration the songs I would put on it would be as follows.

Any suggestions leave a comment and we can use them for Volume II

Amazing -Aerosmith

This is a great song musically and the song never really got the respect I think it should have. The song talks about hitting bottom then surrendering and finding the light in the darkness. It also seems to show how the person in found recovery and instead of dwelling on the choices he may have made in the past, he learns to move on.

We are all on Drugs Weezer

I love Weezer great musicians they take on lots of serious issues in a light sense. This song is basically

Saying if you do drugs and you think your cool guess what your not your an idiot.

Mr Brownstone Guns N Roses

This is what I loved about Guns N Roses they wrote songs about what they were living at the time so all their lyrics put a new meaning to real time. This song is out their heroin addiction and where it took them

I Stay Away- Alice in Chains

This song was written right after the lead singer had just got out from rehab. He stayed clean for awhile but eventually went back out.

Should be Higher-Depeche Mode

The song is about being out to dinner one night during his recovery and everybody is having wine and the thought of its only one glass but he knows it would be like opening Pandora's box but his mind keeps telling him he should be much higher. Sometimes the lies are more attractive than the truth.

Repentance-Dream Theater 

This song is about steps 8 & 9 in the AA steps

Kingmaker -Megadeath

This song is about the epidemic running through our nation of people taking pain killers and how people are just running from their problems.People are so desperate to have that out of body experience yet they don't realize that music can do that for you, love can do that for you.

One Day at a Time-Joe Walsh

 This song is about how Joe had a moment of clarity during his drinking and cocaine addiction and how he had to relearn everything but this time clean. The song goes on to show how life is so much better being clean.

Word on a Wing-David Bowie

This song was written by David as a prayer to free him of his cocaine addiction that had him so wrapped up David was experimenting with black magic. David has also said he can't even remember recording this album Station to Station

Under the Bridge Red Hot Chili Peppers

This song was almost never made and just stuck in the back of Anthony Kiedis' notebook. The song is about Kiedis' addiction to heroin and how during recovery he had to stay away from his closest friends who were still using. During those dark days he realized it was his city that had stayed with him during his addiction and during recovery. Anthony was very hesitant about bringing this song to the group. Good thing he did as this is the biggest and most success full song to date.

That Smell

(This is Part III to the following "The Cats Out of The Bag-Part1 and "Help I Need Somebody-Part 2" It is recommended by the author to read Part 1 followed by Part 2 and so on and so forth But really I never listen to anybody so do what you want)

After spending a few weeks in ICU, they finally discharged me and brought me over to inpatient or as some people refer them as Treatment Centers. 
Now not all treatment centers are the same. Like everything in this world it all comes down to the almighty dollar or how good your health insurance is. There are your very lavish treatment centers where you are provided with your own private room with view of the ocean or mountainside. 500 thread count sheet in your king size bed with maid service,meals cooked to your perfection and a spa where you can get massages everyday.
I didn't have any money and had no insurance. The social worker that I spoke of in the earlier post had made arrangements to get me some financial assistant while they worked on getting me onto some type of health insurance. The accommodations were probably what bothered me the most there was this smell that just irritated me. On a cleanliness factor between 1-10 I would have given it a 4 at the most. 
Other than that I found the way treatment centers operate are basically the same.
I had a rigid schedule that started with wake up at 7a.m. and didn't stop until 10 p.m. that night. For me the main thing was the treatment center was safe I didn't have to worry about people places and things. They took your cell phone so I didn't even need to worry about the phone ringing. It was where I could actually start to get a few days of being clean. There was drama believe me  you are going to have that when you have all different walks of life and they spend all day and night together. Unless the drama affected me directly then I stayed out of it. Being on a schedule even though I may have hated it was good for me just for the reason of not being on any type of schedule for so many years.
Some of the other reasons treatment was good, is part of the road to recovery is a physical part and there I was able to take my meds on the correct schedule and I was monitored by a doctor and a physicians assistant.

I was also able to begin individual therapy and begin group discussions. Seeing that I had been isolating myself for some time I found this to be good. I was also educated on triggers that might be cause for me to relapse.
Most important was the introduction to two long term recovery 12 step programs which I practice today.

Press Release for The Anonymous People (only 7 Days Left to Tip)

Contact:David Attridge
585-713-2592
585-957-5113
Daveup247@gmail.com
Livinlifealloveragain.blogspot.com
gathr.us/screening/7225


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Film The Anonymous People highlights addiction recovery of over 23 million Americans;
Patrick Kennedy, NBA Star Chris Herren, Actress Kristen Johnston featured

Rochester,New York April 6,2014 A FEATURE FILM about the 23.5 million Americans living in long-term recovery and the emerging public recovery movement will be shown at The Little Theater on April 6,2014  The film is brought to Rochester by a new crowd-sourcing distribution service called Gathr.  Gathr’s “theatrical-on-demand” process allows movie-goers to bring the movies they want to watch to their nearby local theater with no facility rental cost and no risk.

Special event screening tickets are available now by clicking here gathr.us/screening/7225  This link connects to the movie trailer: http://www.theanonymouspeople.com.

They, and the film, question why the United States has criminalized and too often given superficial treatment to a chronic illness – addiction.  As a result, addiction now comes with an annual price tag of $350 billion.  The American approach has put most of the burden of long-term addiction treatment on anonymous, free, 12-step programs. Those programs have done a good job, but no other health problem is treated this way.

In addition, the culture of anonymity in these programs, while it has protected individuals from stigma, has also unintentionally perpetuated false perceptions of people with addiction – as the public doesn’t see how often people in their lives recover.

“This film is not your tired old addiction story often seen on reality television or in the news,” said film producer Greg Williams. “There are no needles hanging out of people’s arms, pictures of the brain, or fried eggs in a pan.  We set out to find the answer to one very fundamental question: Why don’t we treat addiction in this country like any other health issue?”

The Anonymous People also shines a light on prominent people who are not very anonymous and are living publicly as people in long-term recovery themselves: Award winning actress Kristen Johnston, former NBA star Chris Herren; Tara Conner, Miss USA 2006; former congressman Patrick Kennedy; veteran news anchor Laurie Dhue; Tom Coderre, chief of staff to Rhode Island Senate president and many others.  They have chosen to “come out” with their recovery in an effort to counter the existing public perception of other people just like them.

This film aims at transforming public discourse in much the same way that activists once decided that an honest open discussion had to take place about topics such as breast cancer, HIV/AIDS, and being gay in order to spark widespread change.

The Anonymous People is produced and directed by Greg Williams; written by Aaron Cohen, Greg Williams, Jeff Reilly, and Bud Mikhitarian; executive produced by Paul McCulley; co-executive produced by John Silverman; photographed by Craig Mikhitarian; and edited by Jeff Reilly; with an original score by Brendan Berry.

Following The showing of "The Anonymous People ", A panel of local drug addiction professionals, Representative from local treatment centers and local residents who are a living a life of recovery will be hosting  a panel Q&A for movie attendees immediately following the film.

Sleepless in Seattle

OK I'm not in Seattle but with the rain and the wind outside right now I might as well be. At least I could go out and get a good cup of coffee. I don't really drink coffee but if I lived in Seattle maybe I would. Well its 430 as I write this,that is 4:30 am. I can't sleep at all. Nope not a wink. I used to hate nights like this. When I was using and isolating myself from the world ( except my dealer of course) these would be the hours where either I ran out of cash or any dealer I knew stopped answering the phone. That last year or two of my using I was so sick and tired of begin sick and tired my days of pounding on their doors and windows at these hours was over I couldn't do it.
I don't get many of these sleepless nights any more.During my first year of being clean I had many sleepless nights. The nights that would really suck would be those using dream nights, I'd wake up from the dream and I'd swear the shit was on the nightstand, I'd jump out of bed and start looking on the floor for that bag.  Sometimes my mind would be so wicked I would think I had used it all and I'd be putting my jeans on getting ready to go get more. It would usually be when I was putting my second leg in my jeans that I'd be like " hey that was a dream go back to bed." I'd go back to bed but I'd be so freaked out no sleep was gonna happen. The last 6 months well no more using dreams (thank God). The sleepless nights are few and far between maybe once or twice a month. I'll be completely honest I hate them.
Let me set this straight first off the sleepless nights are nothing and I mean nothing like when I really was using those night were just constant racing thoughts of how early could I get the next fix? How was I gonna support my habit today? The scenarios,the planning, the back up plan, the back up plan to that. Believe me when I tell you being an active drug addict was a dangerous full time job, with 2 part time jobs on the weekend.
Many of you may think well at least I saw a lot of sunrises right? NO WAY I never watched sunrises they would just remind me that another dreadful day of an active drug user was about to begin. As much as I couldn't wait to get the next one, I also dreaded getting the next one. In fact many many days I hoped and prayed I wouldn't make it to the next morning.
I often hear many other addicts say My disease ( that would be "The disease of Addiction) wants me dead. I don't think that at all, in fact my disease (again - of Addiction) had its chance to have me dead 18 months ago. I am convinced my disease just loves to fuckin torture me.
So let's get back to tonight ( sorry, I can ramble sometimes.) Now the few sleepless night I have each month mainly consist of 1. My mind still racing of  thoughts of " Am I doing things right? Am I on the right track? 2. Conversations with my higher power the God of my understanding ( you can call it praying, if it makes you feel better) . 3. Thoughts of my chiropractor cause I think she's really smart and hot(That combination is new to me usually its just "hot" but yet I still never get the nerve...) 4. Thoughts of all the amends to the people I screwed over and if they will ever forgive me but even more important before any amends can be made I need to forgive myself and believe me that can make stay up for a few hours. 5. Did I mention my chiropractor? ( Actually I really hope she doesn't see this because she will just think or know how crazy I am.6. Conversations with my father even though he has been gone for 7 years there is not a day I don't think of him or the things he taught me that for many years I had forgotten . Those times with him I make sure I never forget. 7. I think about my other " defects of character I have and how I need to deal with those. 8. This has never happened before but tonight at 5:40 am I thinking about a bowl of cheerios.
Rock On My Friends.

11 Days to Tip....

To those of you that have reserved your tickets I thank you. To those of you that haven't I ask for you to consider doing so. We have 27 more tickets that need to be reserved in order to have this premiere . This documentary is awesome and and sheds light about the addict in recovery and attempts to kill the stigma of the"addict".
Once again the premier we are hoping to have is Sunday April 6,2014 at 3pm at The Little Theater,240 East Ave, Rochester,NY. The cost is $10.00 and the tickets can be reserved by clicking on the link at the end of this post.You can also watch a trailer of the movie the link at the bottom of this post. For those of you that can't make it please consider buying a ticket for a recovering addict you may know or an addict you may know that is stuck in the grips this disease  or someone you know affected by a lobed one in addiction. After the showing,  a panel of experts in recovery will be available for a q &a.
I have notified all media in the Rochester with press releases but they seem to have no interest in doing anything with addiction unless it is extremely negative. Everything is now being done via social media.I appreciate all your support.
gathr.us/screening/7225

The Last 23.5 Hours

From the first hour I walked out of inpatient, I knew life needed to and would make some major changes. I new that some days would be better than others. I knew that any day would be better than a day in active addiction. I knew that just because I put down the drug that I might pick up something besides a drug. I would replace that drug with maybe a fork, a credit card, sex, gambling you name it. I knew that seeing I had been completely emotionless that I would have to deal with feelings and emotions all over again like I was a newborn. I knew I had to be grateful for the things I took advantage of, like waking up. I knew I was empty spiritually and would have to be able to find and trust a higher power other than myself to help me through each day. I knew I had to bring new people into my life that have my best interest in mind. I new I needed to be a son, a brother,a friend that these people would be proud to have. I know all of these things and I must realize that I am not perfect and will make mistakes.I may let people down. I know I must be able to forgive and forget. I know I  must   let things go. I know I must help others because oh so many helped me. I know honesty must be part of my daily life. I know I must be open minded and take  suggestions. I must realize I don't know everything going on in other peoples lives. People may be having as just a bad or maybe even a worse day than I am having. I must also remember that some people may not make it home tonight. I must realize how lucky I am that even though I have this disease of addiction that I have been shown that it can be arrested. I also must remember that that could change in the matter of an instant. I need to be grateful.I need to know that if I have a bad day that its better than where I was. I need to remind myself of the tools I have been given oh so freely. I know that somewhere tonight someone is begging for a day of not being a slave to this disease. A day of not having their every thought their every breath be about one more.

Am I grateful? Hell yes. Did I use today? Hell no.Did today suck? More than you can imagine. So what is the solution? Use the tools I have been given. Let my Higher Power handle what I can't. Use the strengths I have built in the last 17 months. Get up tomorrow hold my breath for ten seconds. Why? Cause I can and I'm alive.

Mine is Bigger Than Yours

Lately it seems that I hear people comparing their recovery to other peoples recovery or "worrying" about other peoples recovery or predicting other peoples recovery outcome.
This annoys the shit out of me. I will get this out of the way first. Yes I am guilty of all of the above. When I do it I annoy the shit out of myself.We all do it. I guess what is bothering me about it is how people are becoming obsessed with it, letting it stop them from working on their own recovery.
Now once again I am an addict in long term recovery and yes I do live and practice a 12 step program. Yes I am passionate about my recovery and the 12 Step program it saved my life.
Now I also want to say this about my 12 Step Program. People," the program is perfect, people are not perfect."
The program that I am in saves many many lives everyday. You must live the program in order for it to work. You can't talk about the program and expect it to work. Their is no magic pill, there is no voodoo doctor, there is nothing except the program (at least for me and a few other million people out there).
My recovery is my responsibility. It is not my doctors responsibility. It is not my priests responsibility. It is not my family's responsibility. It is not the addict that just walked through the door's  responsibility and it is definitely not yours, hell it's not even any of your business unless I come to you looking for guidance or advice or just an ear to hear me vent.
Opinions are like a××××××× everybody has one. Seriously, all I feel I would be doing if I was comparing, my recovery  to someone Else's recovery is hurting my own. For those of you that have opinions on the way someone else is handling their recovery ( notice the key word here is their) well I guess I would say "who died and made you a recovery guru?" I would also stress," remember where you come from".
We are all different,some of us catch on real quick. Some of us need all sorts of proof before we do anything new. We all work at different paces. Maybe you can understand recovery real quick and maybe I can kick your ass at checkers. See where I am coming from. Oh well thanks for letting me vent or actually "buzz off it's my blog not yours" (lol).

15 Days and Counting

gathr.us/screening/7225

For those of you that have reserved tickets for The Anonymous People on April 6,2014 at The Little Theater,240 East Ave in Rochester,NY at 3pm I thank you and for those of you that haven't I ask that you do so as soon as possible. We have approximately 15 days to sell 30 tickets in order to tip.Certain costs must be made in order to have the showing. We are trying to get as much press about this as possible but I need your help. Louise Slaughter's people tell me she is interested in attending but won't be able to guarantee until approx 2 weeks from now.
The panel for after the showing is coming along great.We have addicts from 12 step programs, veteran programs,treatment centers,addiction counslers and many more.
I am very excited as others also are about this great event.
But like I said we need your help. If we can't tip we can't have the showing .Thanking you in advance.
           Dave

Life After Wartime

I was talking to an addict who is right now in a treatment center trying to start his life over again.One of his questions was "Is recovery fun?, The only way I know how to have fun,was to get high"
Good question I thought and at one point I thought the same thing. In the beginning getting high was fun. I had some great times that was until my disease of addiction took over,at that point it no longer was fun it became my life, ruling every decision, every move I made.
 So I must tell myself if  I am thinking I only had fun when I was getting high, I immediately must tell myself that that is my disease talking. Sometimes I don't know if my disease wants me dead or if it just likes torturing me too much.
Anyway Is recovery fun?
Recovery is and always will be about getting my life back. Recovery allows me to enjoy those things I did before my disease of addiction.Again when I was in active addiction my whole life revolved around my drug and getting that first one and the one after that or as I call it "chasing that high".
Now that I am free today, recovery allows me the freedom to live my life the way it was meant to be lived and to find that meaning and peace I have so longed for.
Now in the beginning was it easy? Absolutely not, my disease was still in high gear. I had to change people, I had to change playgrounds, I had to change almost everything because remember for close to a decade all that mattered was getting one more.
Once that obsessive and that compulsion started to be lifted and I started to have some control and I didn't use "no matter what" I began to feel that I was beginning to experience my life for the very first time. When I felt this I took complete advantage of these feelings as they made me stronger.
Seeing I am in a 12 step program I began to meet new people who had my best interest in my mind and who did not use. Some of these relationships mean more to me than any relationships I have ever had and still are some of the strongest bonds I have today. I also must say the people I hang with today provide me with enough entertainment (Only kidding lol).
The process of one addict helping another addict is so important in this addicts life.
In the past 17 months and so many days, I have done so many things I have always wanted to do and my social calendar can be very busy some weeks. In fact I have found myself needing to make some "work on me time". I also have found myself spending more time than I ever have with my family which is evidence of some of the stronger bonds made because of my recovery.
Seeing entertainment is a huge chunk of my life I have attended more concerts, plays,and sporting events than I ever have.
In recovery I have been able to look at and approach things in life much differently than I ever have before and because of that my outlook, my experiences have all become so enriched and pleasurable. I wake up everyday with excitement to see what that day will bring me.
Appreciation is something that has been absent in my life for years maybe decades. Cultures,people,history,and all the the finer things in life are now things I am starting to experience. The one thing I notice the most today is my respect for people and all the different events that happen in my life today.
 Life is not perfect. Life still brings many challenges but I am learning how to face these challenges with out using any chemicals as the answer or as a way to run from those issues. I also find that I am open to taking suggestions instead of thinking I always have the right answer.
So is recovery fun? The answer is Hell Yes and when some days aren't as good as others I look at as it is a hell of a lot better than the life I was living just 18 months ago.