Collateral Damage

Collateral Damage is damage to things that are incedental to the intended target. It is frequently used as a military term where it can be referred to the incedental destruction of civilian property or Non-combat casualties.
I have never been in the Military but I have been to war. That war was the war of my addiction and yes there was and has been collateral damage. Professionals call them codependents.
When the military plans a mission the collateral damage is figured in and I'm sure then debated is the mission's collateral damage "worth it" or not. Whether you agree with it or not it is a part of our lives and I am sure has been for centuries.
 As much as I hate to even think about my collateral damage I do feel in away that I do need to keep it fresh in my mind. Why because that is the worst feeling I get when I remember my collateral damage.
During my active addiction it was all about me and my need to get one more. I did not concern myself how others and usually that meant ones that I love and was  dependent upon would feel or the damage sometimes irreplaceable that I would inflict upon them. Now I can't go around blaming myself  for everything I did . I have a disease of addiction.
In my active addiction I didn't have a choice I needed to feed my addiction. A lot of the damage done was done to my myself and I realize that and can accept that today but the damage I did to others still weighs heavily on me but on the flip side serves as a huge motivator to stay in recovery.
So what in Gods name is my reasoning for writing this post?
Good question.  Let's face it though no one an addict or not no wants to think about it and sometimes I feel our mind tries to  file it way back in that file cabnet in our head. So that's why I have tried to in my recovery try to offer any assistance or help to people who have loved ones in active addiction. It does remind me of my collateral damage from my active addiction and even the collateral damage I may have now as I work on other character defects I have.Some of the damage I have caused may never be repaid because its either just not possible in this lifetime or it couldn't be settled without causing more damage to myself or others. So I keep myself clean and better and constantly strive for better.
Sometimes though it is necessary at least in my case to have that reminder and just offer those who may be going through pain and suffering with that loved one  just a "Hey I know what your going through" or just the fact that someone cares enough to listen and know they are being thought of. Sometimes you don't really have to know that person.
Which brings me to why I wrote this post. During my travels on the internet I came upon a woman, a mother,and maybe an overall saint. She writes a blog that deals with the trials of having a son who is in active addiction and when I say active I mean like right now. She is a single mom with two other young daughters caught in this mess. Her name is Susan and I have never met her or even talked with her. I have been basically lurking in the shadows of her blog reading every word she prints (sorry that sounded creepy).Today it actually wasn't even a post on her blog it was just a I need to get this off my chest status rant and when I read it. I could feel her frustration, her helplessness feeling and I sent her a comment. A very basic comment because really I did not know what to say because I know what those feeling are on both sides of the fence so all I said was "so true,every word of it. I hear you" because as much as we feel as humans to give adce or our opinion sometimes people just need to know they are not alone.Someone They just need to know someone anyone is there. The other thing is Susan is not even in this country she is actually across "the pond" in the United Kingdom. Here is a link to her blog
livingwithmydrugabusingteenager.blogspot.com

By the way 15 minutes after I left that comment I received a "thanks"  and that my friends made my day.

I Want it All

Wow that is how we are these days. Instant Gratification is that society that we live in. Does my clean time or my recovery have a shortcut to the promise land or paradise ?
Recovery is not just a straight line to follow I find there is actually 3 things I need to work on in order for Recovery to happen.
1.Physical - living the way I did for years, you can not expect to not have consequences. My medical records suddenly turned into an episode of The Walking Dead but since then I'm not a perfect picture of health but I'm nowhere near appearing on The Walking Dead.
2.Mind -  OK years of toxic thinking, having no feelings what so ever, add in a dash or two of paranoia makes a person ohh what can I call it maybe certifiable? OK maybe not that bad but not good either. With recovery  you have to only change one thing. Everything!! and its not gonna happen in one basketball season.
3.Spirit- OK did you read #'s 1 and 2 well hopefully you won't need much convincing on this one. Really being in touch with my inner self just is not going to happen overnight. But that with time gets better and a lot quicker than you'd expect.
Pain is a fact of life. It is going to happen to us all in fact if you have never experienced some type of pain at some point or points in your life well all I can say is You must be lying and should probably seek help because your one step away from.....aw forget it just seek help. Anyway you see being an addict I would need to mask that pain and guess how I did that? Being a recovering addict, I realize what that pain is whether it is something from the past or right now in the present I need to make a choice a choice I never gave myself. Do I let this pain consume me or do I learn from it and move forward? In my recovery today I learn and move forward.
Today being in recovery allows me to live life completely all the good and all bad. I can have feelings of love,excitement,happiness,fulfillment but I will no doubt have feeling of fear,doubt and pain. Instead of hiding or running away from these feelings I can now face these feelings head on. Today being a recovering addict is great because I can face life and all it has to offer the good and the bad.

The Anonymous People Only 9 Days Left

April 6,2014 3:00pm at the Little Theater,Rochester,NY

Just to keep Everyone up to Date 70 tickets have been sold as of today.We have a little more than 9 days left until the screening.Everything that has been done so far to sell tickets has been done only with social media. Why other media is not responding I haven't a clue. I have sent an email to Film Critic Jack Garner asking for some help or suggestions on getting media to respond. The email went out this afternoon and I am looking forward to his response.

The movie is getting a lot of national attention and that can only help.

I have spoken with Congresswoman Louise Slaughter's office after receiving an inquiry email and she will be attending if her schedule permits.

So lots of great things happening surrounding the screening so tell your friends, coworkers,family whoever so we can have a sold out show.

90 tickets in only 9 days so that's only 10 tickets a day.

The only time you can buy tickets at the Little will be April 6 if any are left.

gathr.us/screening/7225

A Hard Habit to Break (God I Hate That Song)

So last night I got this email from a reader of this blog (Which I love getting by the way) and they said "What is the difference between a Habit and an Addiction?" They also proceeded to say "I might smoke pot on the weekends as a habit but in no way shape or form am I addicted." Then they said "Or am I ?"
Well let's get one thing straight first. I am not an expert on anything. I hold no degrees on anything. I am a recovering addict. Now I can give you an opinion based on my experience.
So let's start.....
First what is a Habit ?
A habit is done by choice. A person can stop a habit successfully when they make a choice to do so. When a person decides to stop there is no pshycological or physical component involved and is not an issue.

OK so what is an Addiction?
Now there is a pshycological/physical component involved.The person can not control the aspects of the addiction because of the mental or physical component involved.
Now I know 100% that I can not use any mood altering substance whether liquid or not because I have that disease of addiction. Maybe alcohol isn't really my thing. In fact there was a time you could put a six pack of beer in my refrigerator and it could sit there for a year. Marijuana is not my drug of choice but I know if I have either one it will lead to my drug of choice. Maybe not the first time I do it but eventually it will. That is just my disease at work.
Does my addiction want me dead? I truly don't know if it does or not. But I do know this, it loves to torture me.

So now that we know the diiference between a habit and an addiction they still are related by the fact of a habit can very easily become an addiction.
I also must say not all addictions are just not drug or alcohol based. People can have various types of addictions.

Shopping,Sex,Gambling,Porn, Money Video Games, Love, Internet, exercise. I could go on and on.

All of these addictions can lead to all sorts of problems  like financial, work issues, relationship issues and even social issues.

Now don't forget Addiction also will bring on those things we call feelings

Guilt, Shame,Hopelessness, Rejection, Failure, Anxiety, Fear,Despair,embarrassment, Humiliation just to name a few.

So to wrap this all up,with a habit you can have control of your choices but it becomes an addiction when you don't have controlled of your choices. 

The Show Will Go On

Thank You to all of you who reserved you're tickets. We have reached the minimum number that we needed in order have the screening which is awesome. 50 tickets were reserved. We now have 105 tickets left. So those of you that didn't reserve your tickets I would suggest doing that now. I expect that since the tip was reached we will begin to get some print and TV promotion. Thanks once again
www.gathr.us/screening/7225

Help I Think I Need Somebody

(This Post is a continued to the Post "When The Cats Out Of The Bag" It is recommended by the author to read that post first. Thanks for visiting my blog.)

So there I am just out of a coma for I don't how long. I am strapped down to the bed so I wouldn't  rip the tube out of my throat. They take  the tube out ( not very fun). I then begin to demand they take off the straps holding me down ( poor nurses).Then I find out I got another tube going in me and the ICU Doctor is shoving a blood test  in my face and my family showing all the substances I tested positive for( so much for Hippa laws).
Cats out of the Bag right? Yes it is and to have to lay there and have to look at my family. The hospital tells me they wanted me to speak with a social worker. I normally would have put up a fight about seeing a social worker. I know this because during my active using I was extremely judgemental I would have thought I was too good to talk to a social worker.
But I was tired too damn tired I did not want to play this game any more. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I couldn't hustle the hustler in me was tired.

So I agreed to see the social worker. Doing this was the best decision I ever made and I wish to god I could have been smart enough to get her name because she was one of the people who helped save my life.
The social worker made sure all of my medical needs were being taken care of but the one thing she did do was convince me to go into a treatment facility after I got out of ICU.
Next up Inpatient

Press Release for The Anonymous People (only 7 Days Left to Tip)

Contact:David Attridge
585-713-2592
585-957-5113
Daveup247@gmail.com
Livinlifealloveragain.blogspot.com
gathr.us/screening/7225


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Film The Anonymous People highlights addiction recovery of over 23 million Americans;
Patrick Kennedy, NBA Star Chris Herren, Actress Kristen Johnston featured

Rochester,New York April 6,2014 A FEATURE FILM about the 23.5 million Americans living in long-term recovery and the emerging public recovery movement will be shown at The Little Theater on April 6,2014  The film is brought to Rochester by a new crowd-sourcing distribution service called Gathr.  Gathr’s “theatrical-on-demand” process allows movie-goers to bring the movies they want to watch to their nearby local theater with no facility rental cost and no risk.

Special event screening tickets are available now by clicking here gathr.us/screening/7225  This link connects to the movie trailer: http://www.theanonymouspeople.com.

They, and the film, question why the United States has criminalized and too often given superficial treatment to a chronic illness – addiction.  As a result, addiction now comes with an annual price tag of $350 billion.  The American approach has put most of the burden of long-term addiction treatment on anonymous, free, 12-step programs. Those programs have done a good job, but no other health problem is treated this way.

In addition, the culture of anonymity in these programs, while it has protected individuals from stigma, has also unintentionally perpetuated false perceptions of people with addiction – as the public doesn’t see how often people in their lives recover.

“This film is not your tired old addiction story often seen on reality television or in the news,” said film producer Greg Williams. “There are no needles hanging out of people’s arms, pictures of the brain, or fried eggs in a pan.  We set out to find the answer to one very fundamental question: Why don’t we treat addiction in this country like any other health issue?”

The Anonymous People also shines a light on prominent people who are not very anonymous and are living publicly as people in long-term recovery themselves: Award winning actress Kristen Johnston, former NBA star Chris Herren; Tara Conner, Miss USA 2006; former congressman Patrick Kennedy; veteran news anchor Laurie Dhue; Tom Coderre, chief of staff to Rhode Island Senate president and many others.  They have chosen to “come out” with their recovery in an effort to counter the existing public perception of other people just like them.

This film aims at transforming public discourse in much the same way that activists once decided that an honest open discussion had to take place about topics such as breast cancer, HIV/AIDS, and being gay in order to spark widespread change.

The Anonymous People is produced and directed by Greg Williams; written by Aaron Cohen, Greg Williams, Jeff Reilly, and Bud Mikhitarian; executive produced by Paul McCulley; co-executive produced by John Silverman; photographed by Craig Mikhitarian; and edited by Jeff Reilly; with an original score by Brendan Berry.

Following The showing of "The Anonymous People ", A panel of local drug addiction professionals, Representative from local treatment centers and local residents who are a living a life of recovery will be hosting  a panel Q&A for movie attendees immediately following the film.

Sleepless in Seattle

OK I'm not in Seattle but with the rain and the wind outside right now I might as well be. At least I could go out and get a good cup of coffee. I don't really drink coffee but if I lived in Seattle maybe I would. Well its 430 as I write this,that is 4:30 am. I can't sleep at all. Nope not a wink. I used to hate nights like this. When I was using and isolating myself from the world ( except my dealer of course) these would be the hours where either I ran out of cash or any dealer I knew stopped answering the phone. That last year or two of my using I was so sick and tired of begin sick and tired my days of pounding on their doors and windows at these hours was over I couldn't do it.
I don't get many of these sleepless nights any more.During my first year of being clean I had many sleepless nights. The nights that would really suck would be those using dream nights, I'd wake up from the dream and I'd swear the shit was on the nightstand, I'd jump out of bed and start looking on the floor for that bag.  Sometimes my mind would be so wicked I would think I had used it all and I'd be putting my jeans on getting ready to go get more. It would usually be when I was putting my second leg in my jeans that I'd be like " hey that was a dream go back to bed." I'd go back to bed but I'd be so freaked out no sleep was gonna happen. The last 6 months well no more using dreams (thank God). The sleepless nights are few and far between maybe once or twice a month. I'll be completely honest I hate them.
Let me set this straight first off the sleepless nights are nothing and I mean nothing like when I really was using those night were just constant racing thoughts of how early could I get the next fix? How was I gonna support my habit today? The scenarios,the planning, the back up plan, the back up plan to that. Believe me when I tell you being an active drug addict was a dangerous full time job, with 2 part time jobs on the weekend.
Many of you may think well at least I saw a lot of sunrises right? NO WAY I never watched sunrises they would just remind me that another dreadful day of an active drug user was about to begin. As much as I couldn't wait to get the next one, I also dreaded getting the next one. In fact many many days I hoped and prayed I wouldn't make it to the next morning.
I often hear many other addicts say My disease ( that would be "The disease of Addiction) wants me dead. I don't think that at all, in fact my disease (again - of Addiction) had its chance to have me dead 18 months ago. I am convinced my disease just loves to fuckin torture me.
So let's get back to tonight ( sorry, I can ramble sometimes.) Now the few sleepless night I have each month mainly consist of 1. My mind still racing of  thoughts of " Am I doing things right? Am I on the right track? 2. Conversations with my higher power the God of my understanding ( you can call it praying, if it makes you feel better) . 3. Thoughts of my chiropractor cause I think she's really smart and hot(That combination is new to me usually its just "hot" but yet I still never get the nerve...) 4. Thoughts of all the amends to the people I screwed over and if they will ever forgive me but even more important before any amends can be made I need to forgive myself and believe me that can make stay up for a few hours. 5. Did I mention my chiropractor? ( Actually I really hope she doesn't see this because she will just think or know how crazy I am.6. Conversations with my father even though he has been gone for 7 years there is not a day I don't think of him or the things he taught me that for many years I had forgotten . Those times with him I make sure I never forget. 7. I think about my other " defects of character I have and how I need to deal with those. 8. This has never happened before but tonight at 5:40 am I thinking about a bowl of cheerios.
Rock On My Friends.

We Keep What We Have by Giving it Away

These are recovery paradoxes in the 12 step program I am in. I hear these all the time and believe me in the beginning, I hated these sayings I felt everybody that used them was crazy. It really bothered me. Its like the saying "It is What It is". God I hate that saying. To me that saying is just a cop out,really it doesn't have to be that way. If you don't like the way something the way it is then put some work into it and change it. Just because someone else copped out doesn't mean you have to and even if you don't get whatever it is you want to change.  Maybe if somebody sees you try to change it  then they will try and so on and so on  and eventually it will change, even if it helps someone else. Isn't it worth trying?
OK if your still with me I really commend you. Like seriously, I'm wiped out after reading that.So any way where the hell was I ? Oh yea,
"We keep what we have by giving it away" this one is my favorite paradox. I love giving what I have learned away to people that want it.I mean, what better feeling in the world is there? To possibly change someone's life or to help someone get past a hurdle that is holding them back from greatness or personal satisfaction in their life.
Everyone has potential in there life,(OK maybe not the guy in the GEICO commercial). Everyone has good in their life.
Now if you haven't read my post on Empathy now may be the time. I actually don't believe there is a greater reward and it only strengthens now what I have.
Wow this may be my shortest post ever but I'll admit I'm even a little bit confused . Have a blessed day.

11 Days to Tip....

To those of you that have reserved your tickets I thank you. To those of you that haven't I ask for you to consider doing so. We have 27 more tickets that need to be reserved in order to have this premiere . This documentary is awesome and and sheds light about the addict in recovery and attempts to kill the stigma of the"addict".
Once again the premier we are hoping to have is Sunday April 6,2014 at 3pm at The Little Theater,240 East Ave, Rochester,NY. The cost is $10.00 and the tickets can be reserved by clicking on the link at the end of this post.You can also watch a trailer of the movie the link at the bottom of this post. For those of you that can't make it please consider buying a ticket for a recovering addict you may know or an addict you may know that is stuck in the grips this disease  or someone you know affected by a lobed one in addiction. After the showing,  a panel of experts in recovery will be available for a q &a.
I have notified all media in the Rochester with press releases but they seem to have no interest in doing anything with addiction unless it is extremely negative. Everything is now being done via social media.I appreciate all your support.
gathr.us/screening/7225