ADDICT

ADDICT

What do we think of when we hear that word?

What do we imagine when we hear that word?

I can't imagine any of your answers or thoughts were very good.

Why would they? Addict has been a dark and vile word for decades.  7 decades ago when the word became let's say a household word, it was even then, a word you didn't want to be labeled with.

No doubt I've heard throughout my short time in recovery people say " I'm Proud to be an Addict" but that is always in a room full of other Addicts or at least where the Addicts out number the "Normal People".

So why do we continue to down the Addict ? Why do we treat Addicts and Addiction like we did lepers and leprosy in Biblical times. 

Is it the " Choice" myth? "Addiction is a choice" or "People choose to be Addicts". Really is this where our society, with all its high tech, with all the new inventions, with the world wide web has gone?

Addiction is a DISEASE. Like it or not. 23.5 million Americans are Addicts. Many many are in long term recovery.

I can guarantee you none of them grew up hoping to be an Addict. None of them grew up thinking I can't wait to steal from my loved ones or hoping their true love would end up with a needle in their arm or a crack pipe in their mouth. I'm also very positive none of them wanted to work the full time job of being an Addict, where you never have a day off, you work at least as much overtime. There are no benefits, There are no holidays, there are no vacations, there are no perks, no encouragement, no pat on the back, no letter of recommendation. Yup that's what I told my mom and dad that I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

Cancer isn't a dark and vile word. Cancer is a disease. No one grows up hoping to get prostrate cancer or breast cancer. 

When people hear the word cancer they might get sad or very upset because a loved one or someone they know or maybe don't even know has the disease. That feeling soon turns into anger or rage and we want to do everything to destroy it or arrest it.

Let's just go back a few decades Aids in the 1980's was a dirty word. Famous musician, actors, actresses and the press totally turned that around and changed public perception of this horrible disease. Today there are 1.3 million Americans living their lives with this disease. People being made aware of what the disease of HIV is and being made aware of the prevention and treatment needed to combat this disease has been part of the turnaround with public opinion and success of HIV in the past 25 years.
Addict in 2014 is still a dirty word. Addiction is still something we don't talk about. Addiction continues to be swept under the rug. The effects on society from addiction are astounding but yet.Wait I can't talk about it.

Self Mastery- Part One

OK before I entered long term recovery I will admit I had no idea what self mastery was. I thought it was some strange masturbation act like maybe the thing that the lead singer of Inxs died from. I don't know I can't be responsible for my thoughts in active addiction.
Once I got into recovery I found myself really trying to get in touch with myself ( No Pun intended - OK I couldn't resist) and really get to know me. The real me.Self Mastery basically holds the key to the quality of life.
Mainly, to foster an evolution of a powerful belief system. When a far reaching belief system is established and used daily in your life,you will follow the way and reach the destiny of that belief system.
You can have and get whatever you want in life and create your own destiny by just understanding and living that system to influence whatever you say, do, or think.
Most people know what they should be doing in life. Few people actually follow through with it, even though they know what is required to do that. Why you ask?
Well let's talk about those nasty things we sometimes love and sometimes hate - Feelings
If you change how you feel in any situation, that will ultimately alter how you act. Are you still with me?
Basically by having self mastery over your feelings and creating the correct feeling you should really have, you are on your way to controlling your reactions.
Now in the image above they talk about the Physical state. Physical state is very important. Now I'm not talking about having abs of steel or tight buns. What I am saying is if you control your health, all that is going to do is create energy and enthusiasm in all aspects of your life.
Now many many aspects of your life fall in the category of relationships both personal and professional. Now if you can share some of your accomplishments and successes with those you have relationships with. You will feel that sense of accomplishment and contribution in your own life be magnified.
Well I will continue my thoughts on self mastery in the next post. That right there is enough to digest but easy enough to begin trying out and see some results. Just remember that its the beginning key to quality of life.

Medical and Recovery

When i first got out into recovery, one of the first things i was told was that physical was a big thing when you come back from the war. They were right i had a grocery list of health problems and better health would help in my recovery.
I can say today 628 days later my grocery list is cut down to a convenient store list.

The  best thing i did though was I told my doctor  that i was in recovery. I asked him how he felt about that? I asked him if he had  ever treated an addict before. We decided after speaking a couple times that i should switch my primary care doctor. There were no hard feelings there was no yelling screaming  or any of those scenarios that we create in our heads. In fact after meeting with a specialist doctor i have had for many years he made a suggestion that i check out a doctor that he recommended.
I took that suggestion and i am so happy i did. My new primary doctor is the best. He stays on top of all of my health issues. He hooked me up with other specialist doctors who have recovering addicts  as patients.
Suddenly my health care has been a great experience. I don't dread going to my appointments anymore. As with my recovery, my health issues show progress. Add all this together i now care about my health. I want to get healthy.
Yes i have my issues with my health like smoking , losing weight etc etc and those i am getting to  i mean Rome wasn't built in a day.
So my advice to not only recovering addicts but anyone who feels like you progressing in your health, talk to your doctor or doctors. Communicate it might just be the best thing to help you get started.

I Am No Expert But.............

So I did this interview today with a website I will be writing a monthly column beginning in June. Now one of the first questions was "How would you tell tell someone how to have a successful recovery?"
Now first off that question caught me off guard. Reason being I by no means am qualified to answer that question. I consider myself just a goofy guy who writes about his goofy life. I have no degree. I have no licence. All I can do is share my "experience, strength and hope".
So I started thinking what has made my recovery successful?

1. I Made My Recovery #1
I had to recover for myself and no one else. I had to keep telling myself I can't do this for my family, girlfriend, anybody. It may sound selfish but its the only way I felt I could successfully recover.

2.Communication
This was so vital for me. Communication is usually the reason things fail,My first marriage, some business ventures but most important I was a loner in my last couple years of active addiction. So picking up the phone, talking with the professionals I was working with and talking with other addicts who knew my story all to well but they were able to get through it and start to recover.

3.Just For Today
I hated these slogans of the the 12 Step program I now live. But Just for Today made so much sense. I couldn't dwell on the past. What was done was done. Yet I couldn't and I still don't look very far into the future. All I could do was stay clean today. Sometimes I could only concentrate on every 10 minutes but hey so far its worked.

4. People
If you have friends that may put your recovery in trouble, then its time to find some new friends. Friends that will have your best interest in mind. Friends that care about you.

5.Places
Now I'm not talking a geographical change by any means, but you can't be hanging out at the local drug house thinking you got a strong recovery program. If you do decide to pack up and leave town that doesn't always work either.Just remember you always take yourself with you. If you live in a neighborhood where the addiction is just outside your front door you can still recover just change your enviorment. Do those positive things that you have always wanted to do this will also stimulate your recovery. I love cultural events and they are happening all the time. Recovery is so much easier when positivity surrounds you.

6. Join a Support Group
Without the 12 step program and fellowship I have in my life I definitely would have never made it. The tools and help the program has given me you cannot put a price on. The value and wisdom has shaped the way I live my life today. I have seen this happen to many many lives even in such a short time.

7.Slow Down Take it Easy
The old saying we didn't become addicted in one day so easy does it. That saying I have learned to be so true. Recovery is not a destination it is a process. I made sure I tried not to overwhelm myself. The first 90 days for me was just about not using. All the other stuff would come with time. Rome wasn't built,made or conquered in a day and recovery won't happen overnight. Again its a process.

8.Volunteer
That's right give back. Your in recovery and what has been so freely given to you now not only can you give back to others in need but Service work in your support group or donating time at a local non profit can also pay great dividends to you AND your recovery. Not only will volunteering give you're self esteem a positive boost but it will give you that great feeling of accomplishment and pride.

9.Get Physical.
You have spent how long putting chemicals into your body? If that isn't enough to want to get you to start taking care of yourself what will? Eating right was another positive part of my recovery as it not only helped improve me physically but mentally.

10. Don't Give Up
Don't give in to the disease of addiction. It is not a battle you will win successfully. Use any desire you have as the motivation to have that new life you want so bad. Recovery is possible it happens everyday. You are not reinventing the wheel. You are giving yourself the life you deserve.

It's Summer!!!!!

So I was reading Leah Miranda's post Top 10 Sober Summer Activities (#sobersummer). I was inspired to do my top 10 list ( Thanks Leah!!!). Now I must admit summer has been on my mind for ohhhh let's see since December 26 and I have been mentally putting the list together. Now are these total sober or clean events - No not by any stretch of the imagination but as long as I stay clean and sober. So I would suggest if your not sure if you can handle the surroundings don't put yourself in those surrounding's. Now I'm not saying I went and hung out in drug houses and bars last summer. In fact last summer was the first "clean" summer I had in decades but last summer was filled with anxiety and panic attacks too and I did attend some events that sold alcohol or had people getting high. I ended up going to the local jazz fest here twice last summer once to see Dr.John and once to see my all time fav Delbert McClinton but I went with a huge sober support who would have broken my arms if I tried anything ( Thanks Sean). I also went to see Steve Winwood, The Allman Brothers and Styx. Again I went with another supporter and left when I wanted to. Some may argue that that wasn't a smart for me so early but it worked. So anyway back to my Summer of 2015 list of things I plan on accomplishing.

1. Bonfires
OK I agree the above picture looks more like a California wildfire or a meteor landing but last summer I did some bonfires and for some reason they were so cool. I really can't tell you why.I mean all we did was try not to get eaten alive by insects and just shoot the shit but still it was relaxing and I was hanging with good friends and that was perfect for me. So more bonfires this summer I say.

2. ADK
OK not making a trip to the Adirondacks wouldn't make my summer  complete its something I have done since I was little and even though I missed many years because I was off doing something else. I went last year and spent the week with my niece and had an awesome time. So why not do it again. Something about that "peaceful easy feeling", breakfast at "Good Times", Ice Cream at "Northern Lights " fireworks on the dock. No cell, no internet, no TV.

3. Read a Book

It had been years since I had read a book. It had been years since I had learned anything. Last summer I decided to read a book but just not any book a book that would take some time to read. A book that I could learn from. A book I would enjoy. So I looked and looked and funny thing was the book was right in front of me the entire time. Heck the book is probably close to you. I picked The Bible. Now I was brought up catholic. Catholic elementary school, Catholic High School ( until I was asked to leave). But I had never opened up a Bible. Now while I was running in active addiction any thought of a higher power just did not exist except of course for my 911 higher power. So now being clean I was trying to find my spirituality my higher power. So if I'm gonna reconnect why not read the book. So I read the Old Testament last summer. I learned so much and it got me to reconnect with my higher power. Now this summer I will read the New Testament.

4. Grilling
There is nothing like the taste of a huge burger with the juice dripping off of it,all the condiments overflowing onto a hard bun. Or the perfect taste of a tender steak with grilled corn on the cob and the unbelievable taste popping salt potatoes. Now if you were at any of the parties I was at last summer you know I can't grill for shit but I do love to eat and I do look good in an apron.

5. North Wildwood, NJ,
I miss North Wildwood so much. I lived there when I was in my late teens and I had some of the best summers ever. I lived in a 2nd floor shack by the ocean and I guarantee there is nothing like it. The ocean air, the unbelieveable seafood, stress less and beautiful plus I got a friend who has never been to the ocean who am I to deny that to them. Sounds like a road trip !!!!

6. Cigars
 To me the pleasure of after a hard day of work going out on the back deck and smoking a couple of cigars with a few buddies and the conversation starts flowing. Politics anyone?

7.Hometown Festivals
At least in the town I currently live in from about May to September There seems  to be a festival every night of the week. The International Jazz Fest, Corn Hill Arts Festival, Park Ave Fest, Clothes Line Fest. I could go on and on. Grab a Red Oiser ( great roast beef sandwich). Plus I love to people watch so I will definitely be hitting some of those.

8.Block Island,Rhode Island
This place is a hidden jewel. Block Island is like the Hamptons for the middle class. The way to get there is to take a ferry from Point Judith,NY you can bring your car on the ferry if you want but I suggest leave the car and rent a moped or bicycle to go around the island. Lighthouses are a stop you want to see. All the restaurants are top notch. Yes there are touristy shops and all that but it doesn't look or even feel like it. The beaches seem like they never end and the locals are the nicest people you'll ever meet.The island actually has that old southern look and attitude. I love going here. A three day stay is ideal for me and really gives me that chance to suck it all in.

9. Do Something for Someone
Whether you volunteer or contribute to a cause  that is awesome but try doing something nice for someone in your family or someone who is a person who does for others all the time but its rare

they are recognized. I am actually taking my 82 year old mother to go see Kieth Urban in July. I am not a fan of country music and to be honest I have never even heard a Kieth Urban song. But hey my mom has a crush on Kieth Urban and thats OK with me so were going to go to the show.

10.Stay Clean

This actually will be the most important thing I will do all summer. I must keep my program active,attend my meetings and do my service work. With keeping true to staying clean how can I not have a great summer.

What Do You Want From Life?

What Do You Want From Life

The Tubes

What do you want from life?

To kidnap a heiress

Or threaten her with a knife

What do you want from life?

To get cable TV

And watch it every night

There you sit

A lump in your chair

Where do you sleep?

And what do you wear?

When your sleeping.

What do you want from life?

An Indian Guru

To show you the inner light?

What do you want from life?

A meaningless love affair

With a girl you met tonight?

How can you tell when your doin alright?

Does your bank account swell

When your dreaming at night?

How do you know when your really in love?

Do violins play

When your touching the one

That your loving

What do you want from life?

Someone to love

Or somebody you can trust

What do you want from life?

To try and be happy

And do the nasty things you must?

Well you can't have that

But if you are an American citizen, you are entitled to

A heated kidney shaped pool

A microwave oven-dont watch the food cook

A dyna gym-- I'll personally demonstrate it in the privacy of your own home

A full size titanic unsinkable molly brown waterbed with poybendum

A foolproof plan and an airtight alibi

Real simulated Indian jewelry

A Gucci shoetree

A years supply of antibiotics

A personally autographed picture of Randy Mantooth

And Bob Dylan's new unlisted phone number
A beautifully restored 3rd Reich swizzle stick
Rosemary's baby
A dream date in kneepads with Paul Williams
A new matador a new mastador
A maverick, A mustang, A montego
A merc Montclair, A mark IV, A meteor
A Mercedes, An MG, A malibu
A Mort moriarty, A Mercedes, A Mac truck
A Mazda, A new Monza or a moped
A Winnebago, hell a herd of Winnebagos we're giving them away
Or how about a McCulloch chainsaw
A las Vegas wedding
A Mexican divorce
A solid gold kama sutra coffee pot
Or a baby's arm holding an apple

Need I say more?

The Status Update

Wow lots going on in Dave's world and I couldn't be any more happy or hopeful. I'll be explaining a little more on those things in a bit First though I must give credit where credit is due and that's is my recovery. Without my recovery none of the good things would be possible. Recovery has given me my life back. Recovery has restored my relationship my higher power. This was a relationship I had chose to ignore not even acknowledge. I know that my higher power was always there but now that I acknowledge his presence I can now do the things that I couldn't before because I know he is there. Now I'm not saying by any means that life is not problem free. I have problems many many problems but I chose to face these problems instead of running away getting high and choosing to ignore them. Recovery has done this for me.
So quick update. The Rochester Recovery Film Festival is going great we look like we have a location,which was my first concern. Looks also like we have our first film we will be showing and that will all be announced very soon. Next I am going to be doing a story for sobernation.com I am very happy and excited about this opportunity.Second after much thought and much encouragement I have teamed up with an experienced author and have begun to write a book. This feels like a slow process but it really isn't considering they want this out by November. I am also finally getting a band together and I am super stoked about the players and people that I am going to be working with. Still got a couple of players to get yet but once they see everybody else it shouldn't be a problem.

I Get By With A Little Help From my Friends

I was never a huge Beatles fan growing up. Not really sure why, but I've grown to appreciate them and what they did. I actually have really grown a huge amount of respect for Paul McCartney and how he changes the face of music everyday.
OK  now don't get all excited about the fact that I changed the one word in the title of the song. I get high with a little help from my friends has been always a favorite song of mine to listen to and perform.
Today's post is about Friends and this post is totally off the cuff no research, no rewrites, no politically correct bullshit just straight from the heart and soul.

Friends have been a huge part of my life. I'm talkin those close can't get through today without them friends. Sure you have those friends that you can see every once in while and those one good night or time memories makes you smile. Those friends you maybe did something you shouldn't have with. We have our high school and college friends that we had to talk to everyday but haven't spoken to since the day we graduated. We have those friends that we celebrated certain milestones in our life that we'll never forget but yet never make a point to call or see. Then we have those friends we partied with or those friends that could always hook you up with whatever that may be.

But I'm not talk in about those "friends".

Now if you have ever been to hell (I have) or lived a part of your life in addiction ( I have) and then a life of recovery ( I am) many things in life can and will take on new meaning. Friends are one of those things and if not the most important Friends are very high on that list for me. Growing up or childhood friends are at least for me something that have a very special part of my soul and my heart. I have one childhood friend that fits that part. Growing up we are innocent, we are kids discovering life as we know it. We are finding what we like, what we don't. We are opening our eyes to all that life has to offer. We are starting to shape the mold of the rest of our lives. I am lucky and blessed enough to have one of those friends. We talked on the phone multiple times a day. We spent every waking hour with each other. We laughed all day everyday. When a problem happened in our young lives no matter how small or how goofy those problems may seem now we did everything we could to help solve it. When they felt pain I felt pain. When I cried they cried. When they prospered I prospered. Life has gone on and things have changed. We moved, we got married, we started families, we got jobs. Even though technology has made communication easier than ever we don't talk everyday,every week or even every month but guess what that don't matter because when we do run into each other and sometimes these days its for funerals. That same childhood feeling that growing up feeling all comes back and reminds you of all those memories and lessons we learned growing up. That mold we were so busy shaping now begins to have life again and becomes stronger because you get that feeling in your soul again that tells you that they are still there for you and it tells you that you're there for them. That they still care about you like they did everyday growing up as you do them. That childhood friend of mine knows who they are and that to me is the main ingredient in having close friends throughout your life.

I've made other close friends throughout my life that have made huge impacts on my life also but I'm gonna skip a little ahead like into my years of addiction. I can think of two people that have been through it all with me. These two people stood by me no matter what they never gave up on me. They were always just a phone call away. They tried to protect me and when they saw that there was no protecting me because I was so self destructive to myself they were just a step away. When I was the most selfish unethical asshole, they shrugged it off. When I came crawling for help numerous and multiple times they were there. They tried to pick me up many times. They offered everything they had why cause we had that bond, that tie, that gorilla glue that couldn't be beat. Wow how freakin lucky can a guy be? Seriously?

So now I can skip ahead to today. Today is a new day for me a new time for me. Being in recovery shines a new light on me and dusts some of that dust off of me so I can remember that void I had placed in my soul. Maybe its because many of my new close friends have been through the same thing I have been. Most of my new friends are people I have met through recovery and if that was the only thing I ever got out of recovery I'm more than satisfied. I have met and become friends now that are exactly like my childhood friend and those two friends I spoke of who were crazy enough to stick by me. My friends today have set my soul on fire have reestablished faith in my life today. These friends are as important as the air I breathe and as valuable as all the gold I could carry. The appreciation I have for All of my friends I have today and those whom I have described from past are the reason I get up everyday.The reason I fight. The reason? I have hope. So to all of you and you know who you are.

Thank You

The Rochester Recovery Film Festival

The Rochester Recovery Film Festival

Well it is happening The First Rochester Recovery Film Festival will be happening for 3 days in September of 2014.
Volunteers are needed.
Committees are being formed if anyone is interested in putting this event together a meeting will be held tomorrow if you are interested please contact me.Thanks

Same Shit Different Day-Right?

Sometimes I have these days and I've come to the conclusion that these types of days are no one else's fault but my own. I become obsessed with time. I  want things to happen now. I know I have written about this before. It is obviously a major thing in my life right now.I get frustrated and feel like each day becomes "Same Shit, Different Day". I will have no ambition and don't feel like I am advancing with,well just life in general. Then things become monotonous, boring and again frustrating. These things lead to thoughts that I really don't want in my head. Thoughts that I have been fighting the last 19 months.When really I should just be happy I made it through another day clean.
I have heard about people making lists of things that they are grateful for each day. Now I'm not an expert on these lists but I am assuming that they make these lists first thing in the morning. Now I've never done one of these lists because to be honest I've thought they were stupid, silly even below me. Why? Best answer I can give is I'm judgmental and probably its also my ego. I know stupid right? Well thats why I'm telling on my self right now.
So things I am grateful for.

Seeing this is the first time I'll be doing this I want to do it correctly.So let's see what The McGraw-Hill Dictionary of American Idioms and Phrasal Verbs has to say.

Taking Someone or Something for Granted-  To expect someone or something  to be always available to serve in someway without thanks or recognition; to value someone or something too lightly.

Well pretty simple, pretty self explanatory Right? OK I'm gonna start with what should be most obvious but it isn't. To see, To touch, To Taste, To Feel, To Smell, To Love, To Hear and To Laugh. Our Freedom is another thing we have everyday that I'm sure gets taken everyday. But what about those things that get me through the day that I never really am thankful for but are so important. Music for me is like a lifeline but do I appreciate the science, the art,the mathematics that design it?Communication look how far this has come and some of us couldn't live without it. Water is another thing we can't live without ( literally, people)Breathing not air. The process of how we breath but don't even realize we are doing it.

What things do you take for granted?

Trials and Tribulations

No one ever said this was going to be easy.No one ever said "Here is a magic pill, take it and your cured". Their was no guarantee. Their still is no guarantee. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and just maybe that's why I became so passionate about it because I really am fighting for my life everyday and that sucks but that is it. Do I want to make this something I have to deal with everyday for the rest of my life? Hell no. Do I have a choice? Hell no.
It kills me sometimes because people who don't have this disease or even people that can be weekend warriors and never have to worry about it taking over your entire life have no idea.Many people are absolutely clueless about the disease of addiction. That is not my concern right now or be the reason I'm once again writing about my life for anyone to see.
Me writing these posts each day actually do much more for me than anyone reading this. Maybe just maybe someone reading this might not pick up or maybe someone who is going through life with the disease of addiction can relate to something I'm going through and maybe they feel a little bit better. Now that's all and good and I hope that either one of those things can happen. But that is not my goal my goal is completely self centered.  I stay clean for myself. Not anyone else. I know that that comment can sound selfish but it is the only way this can work. It is sort of like the comment I can only be strong for someone as strong as I am myself.
Even though I know this will be a life long journey I do know each day gets a little bit easier and that makes me a little bit stronger and I am extremely lucky that I have been given the tools to make that happen and I do this through the 12 step program I practice every day.
I do get very frustrated at times though believe it or not. It is so frustrating sometimes to see people accomplishing goals that they set in life and are accomplishing them. Maybe they haven't accomplished them but they are still working towards them. These things frustrate me, not because I don't want to see them do this but because I am not able to do that right now. I need to continue to get better physically, mentally,spirituality. Could it be jealously? I'm sure in ways it is. I try not to look at it like that, I try to look at it as more of a motivation. Could I be doing more each day to get better? Probably.

I think of things like a person trying to get to the top of a mountain. Not a specific mountain just a big freaking mountain and as I do go through my trials and tribulations each day I hope to get a little bit closer to the top. Some days on my climb the weather might be foggy and I have to get through that fog to clearer sky. Sometimes it might be stormy and I need to take cover. Not everyday do I make great strides in my climb and that's OK . Some days I have to help other people in their climb. I have to watch myself because as in life there can be various pitfalls or dangers so not only must I be physically ready but mentally ready to be able to outsmart those dangers and spiritually strong to be able to ask for help or rely on something greater than myself to get me a little bit further in my climb. I also tell myself its OK if I might stumble on a root or a branch on my climb as long as I don't put myself in the bears path I'll be OK. I don't want to be king of the mountain. I don't want to claim that mountain as mine and fight anyone who also may be on "The Climb". I just want to find my little spot that I can build upon, that I can can develop,that I can protect,that I can each day reflect and be satisfied,be content and be thankful.

Life can be rough sometimes and life can be wonderful but its not just what you make out of it. To me its what your mind decides it is. Your mind can make things wonderful and your mind can screw with you something awful and sometimes you can control that and sometimes you can have no control over what your mind thinks or controls what you do. This is why I feel the best way you can have somewhat control is by having an active spirit, an active soul. The stronger your spirituality is, the more active your spirituality is. The more content, the more peaceful each day can be. The only way your spirit can be active is by having your physical body be active. I am not talking about going to the gym and working out everyday. I am talking about getting up and moving. Something that simple can be huge. Some days we just don't want to get out of bed and we don't want to face the world or deal with anyone. Imagine how we feel on those days and imagine how that little fire inside you feels. Probably just a flicker. I also find the more I am in touch with my spirituality or my soul the more I am less judging the more I am not only more in touch with myself but I can be more in touch with other people and understand people may have their own problems or issues going on in their own lives. I am going to always judge. It is inevitable our minds are trained to do that. We judge constantly everyday about many many things like people's appearances, what people are doing. I could go on and on as I am sure we all can. What I have learned though is if we can just slow down on the judging even a minimal amount. It can spread and create a huge amount of positivity. So what's the deal? I need to reread this and listen to my own advice.

Collateral Damage

Collateral Damage is damage to things that are incedental to the intended target. It is frequently used as a military term where it can be referred to the incedental destruction of civilian property or Non-combat casualties.
I have never been in the Military but I have been to war. That war was the war of my addiction and yes there was and has been collateral damage. Professionals call them codependents.
When the military plans a mission the collateral damage is figured in and I'm sure then debated is the mission's collateral damage "worth it" or not. Whether you agree with it or not it is a part of our lives and I am sure has been for centuries.
 As much as I hate to even think about my collateral damage I do feel in away that I do need to keep it fresh in my mind. Why because that is the worst feeling I get when I remember my collateral damage.
During my active addiction it was all about me and my need to get one more. I did not concern myself how others and usually that meant ones that I love and was  dependent upon would feel or the damage sometimes irreplaceable that I would inflict upon them. Now I can't go around blaming myself  for everything I did . I have a disease of addiction.
In my active addiction I didn't have a choice I needed to feed my addiction. A lot of the damage done was done to my myself and I realize that and can accept that today but the damage I did to others still weighs heavily on me but on the flip side serves as a huge motivator to stay in recovery.
So what in Gods name is my reasoning for writing this post?
Good question.  Let's face it though no one an addict or not no wants to think about it and sometimes I feel our mind tries to  file it way back in that file cabnet in our head. So that's why I have tried to in my recovery try to offer any assistance or help to people who have loved ones in active addiction. It does remind me of my collateral damage from my active addiction and even the collateral damage I may have now as I work on other character defects I have.Some of the damage I have caused may never be repaid because its either just not possible in this lifetime or it couldn't be settled without causing more damage to myself or others. So I keep myself clean and better and constantly strive for better.
Sometimes though it is necessary at least in my case to have that reminder and just offer those who may be going through pain and suffering with that loved one  just a "Hey I know what your going through" or just the fact that someone cares enough to listen and know they are being thought of. Sometimes you don't really have to know that person.
Which brings me to why I wrote this post. During my travels on the internet I came upon a woman, a mother,and maybe an overall saint. She writes a blog that deals with the trials of having a son who is in active addiction and when I say active I mean like right now. She is a single mom with two other young daughters caught in this mess. Her name is Susan and I have never met her or even talked with her. I have been basically lurking in the shadows of her blog reading every word she prints (sorry that sounded creepy).Today it actually wasn't even a post on her blog it was just a I need to get this off my chest status rant and when I read it. I could feel her frustration, her helplessness feeling and I sent her a comment. A very basic comment because really I did not know what to say because I know what those feeling are on both sides of the fence so all I said was "so true,every word of it. I hear you" because as much as we feel as humans to give adce or our opinion sometimes people just need to know they are not alone.Someone They just need to know someone anyone is there. The other thing is Susan is not even in this country she is actually across "the pond" in the United Kingdom. Here is a link to her blog
livingwithmydrugabusingteenager.blogspot.com

By the way 15 minutes after I left that comment I received a "thanks"  and that my friends made my day.

I Want it All

Wow that is how we are these days. Instant Gratification is that society that we live in. Does my clean time or my recovery have a shortcut to the promise land or paradise ?
Recovery is not just a straight line to follow I find there is actually 3 things I need to work on in order for Recovery to happen.
1.Physical - living the way I did for years, you can not expect to not have consequences. My medical records suddenly turned into an episode of The Walking Dead but since then I'm not a perfect picture of health but I'm nowhere near appearing on The Walking Dead.
2.Mind -  OK years of toxic thinking, having no feelings what so ever, add in a dash or two of paranoia makes a person ohh what can I call it maybe certifiable? OK maybe not that bad but not good either. With recovery  you have to only change one thing. Everything!! and its not gonna happen in one basketball season.
3.Spirit- OK did you read #'s 1 and 2 well hopefully you won't need much convincing on this one. Really being in touch with my inner self just is not going to happen overnight. But that with time gets better and a lot quicker than you'd expect.
Pain is a fact of life. It is going to happen to us all in fact if you have never experienced some type of pain at some point or points in your life well all I can say is You must be lying and should probably seek help because your one step away from.....aw forget it just seek help. Anyway you see being an addict I would need to mask that pain and guess how I did that? Being a recovering addict, I realize what that pain is whether it is something from the past or right now in the present I need to make a choice a choice I never gave myself. Do I let this pain consume me or do I learn from it and move forward? In my recovery today I learn and move forward.
Today being in recovery allows me to live life completely all the good and all bad. I can have feelings of love,excitement,happiness,fulfillment but I will no doubt have feeling of fear,doubt and pain. Instead of hiding or running away from these feelings I can now face these feelings head on. Today being a recovering addict is great because I can face life and all it has to offer the good and the bad.

OVERDOSE-Its Just Not For Celebrities Anymore

John Belushi was I think the first celebrity overdose death I had ever heard of. Did it stop me? No or obviously I probably wouldn't be writing this blog.
If I sit back and think what celebrities have died of drug overdoses I can recall many- Chris Farley,River Phoniex, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, that kid from Glee, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Heath Ledger.
Now did you know 100 other non-celebrities die each day of drug overdoses. Do the math and that's a lot of fucking people and these people are just not what society has lead us to believe black,ghetto,welfare,low income. No drug abuse hits every society, every race,every income bracket,every religion,every sexualty,every,every nationality. The disease of addiction dose not discriminate.
So up comes the question is it good or does it help society when the press makes celebrities' death by overdose front page news?
Hmm good question my answer is No. Although I guess if it does stop one person from ever picking up or it helps one person quit their addiction then yes. What I do think it brings is exposure to the disease which maybe can be a good thing. What it does to I feel is maybe promote the cause. The media makes it sexy,thrilling,a whole exciting mystery. Media never shows how the disease took over a persons life. The things people had to do for just one more.

Media never shows what the families and loved ones go through. Even worse in today's society that I never see in the press or on your nightly news is Recovery.  What Recovery does for that "Junkie" or "Drug Addict". It doesn't show how Recovery turns people into productive members of society or the fact that recovery has made relationships with family,friends and loved ones stronger than they ever have been, The service and the "pay it forward" given back to communities they live in.

Why? Well my opinion is it's not thrilling in their eyes it's not sexy enough, it's not dramatic. We will always hear about the overdose or the death caused by an overdose with celebrities that unfortunately is the society we have made but maybe if we focused on recovery and what it  has done for individuals,families, communities maybe, just maybe that number of 100 people that die each day from overdose might just be a little bit lower.

That Smell

(This is Part III to the following "The Cats Out of The Bag-Part1 and "Help I Need Somebody-Part 2" It is recommended by the author to read Part 1 followed by Part 2 and so on and so forth But really I never listen to anybody so do what you want)

After spending a few weeks in ICU, they finally discharged me and brought me over to inpatient or as some people refer them as Treatment Centers. 
Now not all treatment centers are the same. Like everything in this world it all comes down to the almighty dollar or how good your health insurance is. There are your very lavish treatment centers where you are provided with your own private room with view of the ocean or mountainside. 500 thread count sheet in your king size bed with maid service,meals cooked to your perfection and a spa where you can get massages everyday.
I didn't have any money and had no insurance. The social worker that I spoke of in the earlier post had made arrangements to get me some financial assistant while they worked on getting me onto some type of health insurance. The accommodations were probably what bothered me the most there was this smell that just irritated me. On a cleanliness factor between 1-10 I would have given it a 4 at the most. 
Other than that I found the way treatment centers operate are basically the same.
I had a rigid schedule that started with wake up at 7a.m. and didn't stop until 10 p.m. that night. For me the main thing was the treatment center was safe I didn't have to worry about people places and things. They took your cell phone so I didn't even need to worry about the phone ringing. It was where I could actually start to get a few days of being clean. There was drama believe me  you are going to have that when you have all different walks of life and they spend all day and night together. Unless the drama affected me directly then I stayed out of it. Being on a schedule even though I may have hated it was good for me just for the reason of not being on any type of schedule for so many years.
Some of the other reasons treatment was good, is part of the road to recovery is a physical part and there I was able to take my meds on the correct schedule and I was monitored by a doctor and a physicians assistant.

I was also able to begin individual therapy and begin group discussions. Seeing that I had been isolating myself for some time I found this to be good. I was also educated on triggers that might be cause for me to relapse.
Most important was the introduction to two long term recovery 12 step programs which I practice today.

When The Cats Out of The Bag

When the cats out of the bag, you can look at it as "Thank God" or you can view it as  " The Shit hit the fan"in my experience it was both. I was so relieved that that huge secret was no longer a secret.
It was hard enough trying to figure out how I was gonna get the next one but add in the stress of keeping it from everybody.
So "When the Cat was out of the Bag" I was actually relieved. I was tired. I can't explain how tired I was. The guilt the shame the lies the fear. Wait did I say fear? Yes I did. This addict was scared of what would happen when everyone found out my BIG secret. The thoughts of would my family disown me? Would my non using friends shun me? Would I be treated like lepers were in biblical times. Would my girlfriend leave me? What in hell am I going to do?
This is when I felt the shit hit the fan. Now you must remember I was so self centered I felt the world revolved around me. I mean after all I may have turned the way I lived into animal like comparisons but I was the king of the jungle for the love of god.
Now I found out pretty quick my jungle was now a parking lot. When I came out of my coma I couldn't believe there wasn't a line of people going through my hospital room like a McDonald's drive through.Yeah maybe I had isolated myself from everyone for the past couple years but come on didn't the press print something? What about a spot on the evening news? Why are there no flowers in my room? No messages? No nothing? What about my dealer did he visit? What about my backups and my backups backup? Nobody? Nothing?
OK I think I need some help here? Somebody? Hello? I think I'm drowning here.

Tomorrow look for continuation of this post entitled "Help Arrives (I think).

Press Release for The Anonymous People (only 7 Days Left to Tip)

Contact:David Attridge
585-713-2592
585-957-5113
Daveup247@gmail.com
Livinlifealloveragain.blogspot.com
gathr.us/screening/7225


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Film The Anonymous People highlights addiction recovery of over 23 million Americans;
Patrick Kennedy, NBA Star Chris Herren, Actress Kristen Johnston featured

Rochester,New York April 6,2014 A FEATURE FILM about the 23.5 million Americans living in long-term recovery and the emerging public recovery movement will be shown at The Little Theater on April 6,2014  The film is brought to Rochester by a new crowd-sourcing distribution service called Gathr.  Gathr’s “theatrical-on-demand” process allows movie-goers to bring the movies they want to watch to their nearby local theater with no facility rental cost and no risk.

Special event screening tickets are available now by clicking here gathr.us/screening/7225  This link connects to the movie trailer: http://www.theanonymouspeople.com.

They, and the film, question why the United States has criminalized and too often given superficial treatment to a chronic illness – addiction.  As a result, addiction now comes with an annual price tag of $350 billion.  The American approach has put most of the burden of long-term addiction treatment on anonymous, free, 12-step programs. Those programs have done a good job, but no other health problem is treated this way.

In addition, the culture of anonymity in these programs, while it has protected individuals from stigma, has also unintentionally perpetuated false perceptions of people with addiction – as the public doesn’t see how often people in their lives recover.

“This film is not your tired old addiction story often seen on reality television or in the news,” said film producer Greg Williams. “There are no needles hanging out of people’s arms, pictures of the brain, or fried eggs in a pan.  We set out to find the answer to one very fundamental question: Why don’t we treat addiction in this country like any other health issue?”

The Anonymous People also shines a light on prominent people who are not very anonymous and are living publicly as people in long-term recovery themselves: Award winning actress Kristen Johnston, former NBA star Chris Herren; Tara Conner, Miss USA 2006; former congressman Patrick Kennedy; veteran news anchor Laurie Dhue; Tom Coderre, chief of staff to Rhode Island Senate president and many others.  They have chosen to “come out” with their recovery in an effort to counter the existing public perception of other people just like them.

This film aims at transforming public discourse in much the same way that activists once decided that an honest open discussion had to take place about topics such as breast cancer, HIV/AIDS, and being gay in order to spark widespread change.

The Anonymous People is produced and directed by Greg Williams; written by Aaron Cohen, Greg Williams, Jeff Reilly, and Bud Mikhitarian; executive produced by Paul McCulley; co-executive produced by John Silverman; photographed by Craig Mikhitarian; and edited by Jeff Reilly; with an original score by Brendan Berry.

Following The showing of "The Anonymous People ", A panel of local drug addiction professionals, Representative from local treatment centers and local residents who are a living a life of recovery will be hosting  a panel Q&A for movie attendees immediately following the film.

Sleepless in Seattle

OK I'm not in Seattle but with the rain and the wind outside right now I might as well be. At least I could go out and get a good cup of coffee. I don't really drink coffee but if I lived in Seattle maybe I would. Well its 430 as I write this,that is 4:30 am. I can't sleep at all. Nope not a wink. I used to hate nights like this. When I was using and isolating myself from the world ( except my dealer of course) these would be the hours where either I ran out of cash or any dealer I knew stopped answering the phone. That last year or two of my using I was so sick and tired of begin sick and tired my days of pounding on their doors and windows at these hours was over I couldn't do it.
I don't get many of these sleepless nights any more.During my first year of being clean I had many sleepless nights. The nights that would really suck would be those using dream nights, I'd wake up from the dream and I'd swear the shit was on the nightstand, I'd jump out of bed and start looking on the floor for that bag.  Sometimes my mind would be so wicked I would think I had used it all and I'd be putting my jeans on getting ready to go get more. It would usually be when I was putting my second leg in my jeans that I'd be like " hey that was a dream go back to bed." I'd go back to bed but I'd be so freaked out no sleep was gonna happen. The last 6 months well no more using dreams (thank God). The sleepless nights are few and far between maybe once or twice a month. I'll be completely honest I hate them.
Let me set this straight first off the sleepless nights are nothing and I mean nothing like when I really was using those night were just constant racing thoughts of how early could I get the next fix? How was I gonna support my habit today? The scenarios,the planning, the back up plan, the back up plan to that. Believe me when I tell you being an active drug addict was a dangerous full time job, with 2 part time jobs on the weekend.
Many of you may think well at least I saw a lot of sunrises right? NO WAY I never watched sunrises they would just remind me that another dreadful day of an active drug user was about to begin. As much as I couldn't wait to get the next one, I also dreaded getting the next one. In fact many many days I hoped and prayed I wouldn't make it to the next morning.
I often hear many other addicts say My disease ( that would be "The disease of Addiction) wants me dead. I don't think that at all, in fact my disease (again - of Addiction) had its chance to have me dead 18 months ago. I am convinced my disease just loves to fuckin torture me.
So let's get back to tonight ( sorry, I can ramble sometimes.) Now the few sleepless night I have each month mainly consist of 1. My mind still racing of  thoughts of " Am I doing things right? Am I on the right track? 2. Conversations with my higher power the God of my understanding ( you can call it praying, if it makes you feel better) . 3. Thoughts of my chiropractor cause I think she's really smart and hot(That combination is new to me usually its just "hot" but yet I still never get the nerve...) 4. Thoughts of all the amends to the people I screwed over and if they will ever forgive me but even more important before any amends can be made I need to forgive myself and believe me that can make stay up for a few hours. 5. Did I mention my chiropractor? ( Actually I really hope she doesn't see this because she will just think or know how crazy I am.6. Conversations with my father even though he has been gone for 7 years there is not a day I don't think of him or the things he taught me that for many years I had forgotten . Those times with him I make sure I never forget. 7. I think about my other " defects of character I have and how I need to deal with those. 8. This has never happened before but tonight at 5:40 am I thinking about a bowl of cheerios.
Rock On My Friends.

We Keep What We Have by Giving it Away

These are recovery paradoxes in the 12 step program I am in. I hear these all the time and believe me in the beginning, I hated these sayings I felt everybody that used them was crazy. It really bothered me. Its like the saying "It is What It is". God I hate that saying. To me that saying is just a cop out,really it doesn't have to be that way. If you don't like the way something the way it is then put some work into it and change it. Just because someone else copped out doesn't mean you have to and even if you don't get whatever it is you want to change.  Maybe if somebody sees you try to change it  then they will try and so on and so on  and eventually it will change, even if it helps someone else. Isn't it worth trying?
OK if your still with me I really commend you. Like seriously, I'm wiped out after reading that.So any way where the hell was I ? Oh yea,
"We keep what we have by giving it away" this one is my favorite paradox. I love giving what I have learned away to people that want it.I mean, what better feeling in the world is there? To possibly change someone's life or to help someone get past a hurdle that is holding them back from greatness or personal satisfaction in their life.
Everyone has potential in there life,(OK maybe not the guy in the GEICO commercial). Everyone has good in their life.
Now if you haven't read my post on Empathy now may be the time. I actually don't believe there is a greater reward and it only strengthens now what I have.
Wow this may be my shortest post ever but I'll admit I'm even a little bit confused . Have a blessed day.