Medical and Recovery

When i first got out into recovery, one of the first things i was told was that physical was a big thing when you come back from the war. They were right i had a grocery list of health problems and better health would help in my recovery.
I can say today 628 days later my grocery list is cut down to a convenient store list.

The  best thing i did though was I told my doctor  that i was in recovery. I asked him how he felt about that? I asked him if he had  ever treated an addict before. We decided after speaking a couple times that i should switch my primary care doctor. There were no hard feelings there was no yelling screaming  or any of those scenarios that we create in our heads. In fact after meeting with a specialist doctor i have had for many years he made a suggestion that i check out a doctor that he recommended.
I took that suggestion and i am so happy i did. My new primary doctor is the best. He stays on top of all of my health issues. He hooked me up with other specialist doctors who have recovering addicts  as patients.
Suddenly my health care has been a great experience. I don't dread going to my appointments anymore. As with my recovery, my health issues show progress. Add all this together i now care about my health. I want to get healthy.
Yes i have my issues with my health like smoking , losing weight etc etc and those i am getting to  i mean Rome wasn't built in a day.
So my advice to not only recovering addicts but anyone who feels like you progressing in your health, talk to your doctor or doctors. Communicate it might just be the best thing to help you get started.

It's Summer!!!!!

So I was reading Leah Miranda's post Top 10 Sober Summer Activities (#sobersummer). I was inspired to do my top 10 list ( Thanks Leah!!!). Now I must admit summer has been on my mind for ohhhh let's see since December 26 and I have been mentally putting the list together. Now are these total sober or clean events - No not by any stretch of the imagination but as long as I stay clean and sober. So I would suggest if your not sure if you can handle the surroundings don't put yourself in those surrounding's. Now I'm not saying I went and hung out in drug houses and bars last summer. In fact last summer was the first "clean" summer I had in decades but last summer was filled with anxiety and panic attacks too and I did attend some events that sold alcohol or had people getting high. I ended up going to the local jazz fest here twice last summer once to see Dr.John and once to see my all time fav Delbert McClinton but I went with a huge sober support who would have broken my arms if I tried anything ( Thanks Sean). I also went to see Steve Winwood, The Allman Brothers and Styx. Again I went with another supporter and left when I wanted to. Some may argue that that wasn't a smart for me so early but it worked. So anyway back to my Summer of 2015 list of things I plan on accomplishing.

1. Bonfires
OK I agree the above picture looks more like a California wildfire or a meteor landing but last summer I did some bonfires and for some reason they were so cool. I really can't tell you why.I mean all we did was try not to get eaten alive by insects and just shoot the shit but still it was relaxing and I was hanging with good friends and that was perfect for me. So more bonfires this summer I say.

2. ADK
OK not making a trip to the Adirondacks wouldn't make my summer  complete its something I have done since I was little and even though I missed many years because I was off doing something else. I went last year and spent the week with my niece and had an awesome time. So why not do it again. Something about that "peaceful easy feeling", breakfast at "Good Times", Ice Cream at "Northern Lights " fireworks on the dock. No cell, no internet, no TV.

3. Read a Book

It had been years since I had read a book. It had been years since I had learned anything. Last summer I decided to read a book but just not any book a book that would take some time to read. A book that I could learn from. A book I would enjoy. So I looked and looked and funny thing was the book was right in front of me the entire time. Heck the book is probably close to you. I picked The Bible. Now I was brought up catholic. Catholic elementary school, Catholic High School ( until I was asked to leave). But I had never opened up a Bible. Now while I was running in active addiction any thought of a higher power just did not exist except of course for my 911 higher power. So now being clean I was trying to find my spirituality my higher power. So if I'm gonna reconnect why not read the book. So I read the Old Testament last summer. I learned so much and it got me to reconnect with my higher power. Now this summer I will read the New Testament.

4. Grilling
There is nothing like the taste of a huge burger with the juice dripping off of it,all the condiments overflowing onto a hard bun. Or the perfect taste of a tender steak with grilled corn on the cob and the unbelievable taste popping salt potatoes. Now if you were at any of the parties I was at last summer you know I can't grill for shit but I do love to eat and I do look good in an apron.

5. North Wildwood, NJ,
I miss North Wildwood so much. I lived there when I was in my late teens and I had some of the best summers ever. I lived in a 2nd floor shack by the ocean and I guarantee there is nothing like it. The ocean air, the unbelieveable seafood, stress less and beautiful plus I got a friend who has never been to the ocean who am I to deny that to them. Sounds like a road trip !!!!

6. Cigars
 To me the pleasure of after a hard day of work going out on the back deck and smoking a couple of cigars with a few buddies and the conversation starts flowing. Politics anyone?

7.Hometown Festivals
At least in the town I currently live in from about May to September There seems  to be a festival every night of the week. The International Jazz Fest, Corn Hill Arts Festival, Park Ave Fest, Clothes Line Fest. I could go on and on. Grab a Red Oiser ( great roast beef sandwich). Plus I love to people watch so I will definitely be hitting some of those.

8.Block Island,Rhode Island
This place is a hidden jewel. Block Island is like the Hamptons for the middle class. The way to get there is to take a ferry from Point Judith,NY you can bring your car on the ferry if you want but I suggest leave the car and rent a moped or bicycle to go around the island. Lighthouses are a stop you want to see. All the restaurants are top notch. Yes there are touristy shops and all that but it doesn't look or even feel like it. The beaches seem like they never end and the locals are the nicest people you'll ever meet.The island actually has that old southern look and attitude. I love going here. A three day stay is ideal for me and really gives me that chance to suck it all in.

9. Do Something for Someone
Whether you volunteer or contribute to a cause  that is awesome but try doing something nice for someone in your family or someone who is a person who does for others all the time but its rare

they are recognized. I am actually taking my 82 year old mother to go see Kieth Urban in July. I am not a fan of country music and to be honest I have never even heard a Kieth Urban song. But hey my mom has a crush on Kieth Urban and thats OK with me so were going to go to the show.

10.Stay Clean

This actually will be the most important thing I will do all summer. I must keep my program active,attend my meetings and do my service work. With keeping true to staying clean how can I not have a great summer.

Same Shit Different Day-Right?

Sometimes I have these days and I've come to the conclusion that these types of days are no one else's fault but my own. I become obsessed with time. I  want things to happen now. I know I have written about this before. It is obviously a major thing in my life right now.I get frustrated and feel like each day becomes "Same Shit, Different Day". I will have no ambition and don't feel like I am advancing with,well just life in general. Then things become monotonous, boring and again frustrating. These things lead to thoughts that I really don't want in my head. Thoughts that I have been fighting the last 19 months.When really I should just be happy I made it through another day clean.
I have heard about people making lists of things that they are grateful for each day. Now I'm not an expert on these lists but I am assuming that they make these lists first thing in the morning. Now I've never done one of these lists because to be honest I've thought they were stupid, silly even below me. Why? Best answer I can give is I'm judgmental and probably its also my ego. I know stupid right? Well thats why I'm telling on my self right now.
So things I am grateful for.

Seeing this is the first time I'll be doing this I want to do it correctly.So let's see what The McGraw-Hill Dictionary of American Idioms and Phrasal Verbs has to say.

Taking Someone or Something for Granted-  To expect someone or something  to be always available to serve in someway without thanks or recognition; to value someone or something too lightly.

Well pretty simple, pretty self explanatory Right? OK I'm gonna start with what should be most obvious but it isn't. To see, To touch, To Taste, To Feel, To Smell, To Love, To Hear and To Laugh. Our Freedom is another thing we have everyday that I'm sure gets taken everyday. But what about those things that get me through the day that I never really am thankful for but are so important. Music for me is like a lifeline but do I appreciate the science, the art,the mathematics that design it?Communication look how far this has come and some of us couldn't live without it. Water is another thing we can't live without ( literally, people)Breathing not air. The process of how we breath but don't even realize we are doing it.

What things do you take for granted?

Trials and Tribulations

No one ever said this was going to be easy.No one ever said "Here is a magic pill, take it and your cured". Their was no guarantee. Their still is no guarantee. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and just maybe that's why I became so passionate about it because I really am fighting for my life everyday and that sucks but that is it. Do I want to make this something I have to deal with everyday for the rest of my life? Hell no. Do I have a choice? Hell no.
It kills me sometimes because people who don't have this disease or even people that can be weekend warriors and never have to worry about it taking over your entire life have no idea.Many people are absolutely clueless about the disease of addiction. That is not my concern right now or be the reason I'm once again writing about my life for anyone to see.
Me writing these posts each day actually do much more for me than anyone reading this. Maybe just maybe someone reading this might not pick up or maybe someone who is going through life with the disease of addiction can relate to something I'm going through and maybe they feel a little bit better. Now that's all and good and I hope that either one of those things can happen. But that is not my goal my goal is completely self centered.  I stay clean for myself. Not anyone else. I know that that comment can sound selfish but it is the only way this can work. It is sort of like the comment I can only be strong for someone as strong as I am myself.
Even though I know this will be a life long journey I do know each day gets a little bit easier and that makes me a little bit stronger and I am extremely lucky that I have been given the tools to make that happen and I do this through the 12 step program I practice every day.
I do get very frustrated at times though believe it or not. It is so frustrating sometimes to see people accomplishing goals that they set in life and are accomplishing them. Maybe they haven't accomplished them but they are still working towards them. These things frustrate me, not because I don't want to see them do this but because I am not able to do that right now. I need to continue to get better physically, mentally,spirituality. Could it be jealously? I'm sure in ways it is. I try not to look at it like that, I try to look at it as more of a motivation. Could I be doing more each day to get better? Probably.

I think of things like a person trying to get to the top of a mountain. Not a specific mountain just a big freaking mountain and as I do go through my trials and tribulations each day I hope to get a little bit closer to the top. Some days on my climb the weather might be foggy and I have to get through that fog to clearer sky. Sometimes it might be stormy and I need to take cover. Not everyday do I make great strides in my climb and that's OK . Some days I have to help other people in their climb. I have to watch myself because as in life there can be various pitfalls or dangers so not only must I be physically ready but mentally ready to be able to outsmart those dangers and spiritually strong to be able to ask for help or rely on something greater than myself to get me a little bit further in my climb. I also tell myself its OK if I might stumble on a root or a branch on my climb as long as I don't put myself in the bears path I'll be OK. I don't want to be king of the mountain. I don't want to claim that mountain as mine and fight anyone who also may be on "The Climb". I just want to find my little spot that I can build upon, that I can can develop,that I can protect,that I can each day reflect and be satisfied,be content and be thankful.

Life can be rough sometimes and life can be wonderful but its not just what you make out of it. To me its what your mind decides it is. Your mind can make things wonderful and your mind can screw with you something awful and sometimes you can control that and sometimes you can have no control over what your mind thinks or controls what you do. This is why I feel the best way you can have somewhat control is by having an active spirit, an active soul. The stronger your spirituality is, the more active your spirituality is. The more content, the more peaceful each day can be. The only way your spirit can be active is by having your physical body be active. I am not talking about going to the gym and working out everyday. I am talking about getting up and moving. Something that simple can be huge. Some days we just don't want to get out of bed and we don't want to face the world or deal with anyone. Imagine how we feel on those days and imagine how that little fire inside you feels. Probably just a flicker. I also find the more I am in touch with my spirituality or my soul the more I am less judging the more I am not only more in touch with myself but I can be more in touch with other people and understand people may have their own problems or issues going on in their own lives. I am going to always judge. It is inevitable our minds are trained to do that. We judge constantly everyday about many many things like people's appearances, what people are doing. I could go on and on as I am sure we all can. What I have learned though is if we can just slow down on the judging even a minimal amount. It can spread and create a huge amount of positivity. So what's the deal? I need to reread this and listen to my own advice.

Marijuana -Mary Jane is Stepping Out

The Debate is a hot subject in our country right now. So many Pros and so many Cons. There are truths and there are Myths. It all comes down to an individuals opinion. Many people are lobbying for it and many people are lobbying against it. The subject is on a tilt a whirl right now and will we keep getting in line to jump on the ride or will we get sick and move on to the next ride. Is the subject about people's right to do what they want and have the freedom to lite up without the fear of getting caught or is it really about paying the bills because we have a love for excess. Will we be able to walk into 7-11 and buy a pack of joints or will we continue to meet our connection in our local Home Depot parking lot.
Marijuana is the third largest used drug in America. Alcohol takes 1st place honors while tobacco takes 2nd place.According to NORMAL ( A group working to reform Marijuana laws) 740,000 people were arrested last year for some type of Marijuana violation. 87% (over 658,000) were charged for possession only while the remaining 13% (91,000) were for sale/manufacturing charges. Those figures are higher then all the violent arrests made for murder,rape and robbery combined. The cost to taxpayers for all of those arrested is 10 billion dollars.
So if you are not one of the 25 million people who have tried Marijuana in the past year or one of the 14 million people who smoke it regularly than you may just be asking why? Why do people smoke marijuana?

 Well there are many many reasons but let's just go with a Top Ten list you probably won't see on Letterman any time soon.

Now these 10 reasons are not in any type of particular order but I love Letterman and have always wanted to do the top ten ( but then again these aren't funny)

10.Marijuana as Medicine

9.For the effect of the THC (the main ingredient in marijuana)

8.To release the anxiety,stress,fear,pain or anger related to personal,psychological or some family issue.

7.Popular culture endorse use

6. Low perception of harm

5.The opportunity of it presents itself

4.Peer, family or role model presents itself

3. Because they were born with or develop certain personality dimensions such as unconventionality, which make marijuana use non-taboo.

2.Curiosity

 1.To relax

Now there are many reasons besides the ones previously discussed that are added to why Marijuana should be legalized such as the government has no right to forbid a person to do there body harm and if they do laws should be in place to limit how much a person a person eats or laws should be in place prohibiting bungee jumping. I do not really agree with it and think we are maybe reaching pretty high (no pun intended) but none the less it is an opinion. I don't really know where I stand on this whole issue because of three things. 1. According to the National Geographic Channel or maybe Discovery Channel Yes drug crime and arrests have declined in Colorado but and a very big BUT gang violence has tripled. So I think we do need to remember We are taking away a huge amount of income from a very violent type of people and groups who are not going to sit back and watch. I'm not saying we need to replace there income but we should be prepared and ready for that reaction.

      2. We need sometimes to get back to basics or just not jump on the first good looking solution and I say this in the effect to here we are again doing what I call the casino solution. We saw what a few casinos did for the purses of local govt in the effect of taxes being paid and suddenly casinos are everywhere. Its by no means a Vegas or Atlantic City thing anymore. I do believe that casinos do great things pay taxes,create many temp and permanent jobs and they are good employers but do we need one on every street corner.Some casinos will not survive and what will the local governments and state governments do then. Major gaming companies are selling off properties now. So we need more research and education and maybe should watch Colorado for a bit. 

3. The Gateway Drug Theory. I know a lot of people say and think this is a bullshit theory and at one time I also believed that but for me, this addict it is true. I started out with alcohol and marijuana when I was younger and I eventually moved on to other drugs which I considered to be "Hard Drugs" and I also considered Marijuana to be a bullshit drug or a drug for wimps. When I first thought I just might have a drug problem I began the "Marijuana Maintenance Program" I had the wonderful idea of I'll just smoke pot and quit the other drugs. This idea at the time made total sense to me cheaper, not as bad as those other drugs plus everybody does it right? WRONG within a week all I accomplished was now I was doing two drugs and it was costing me even more. OK then I'll just drink right? WRONG now I'm doing three drugs (yes alcohol is a drug) and it costing me way too much money. Guess where I ended up Back to what I was doing before but even more because I needed to get that high from doing 3 drugs. It was a non winning situation I knew that. Did it stop me though? NO. 

So for this addict that has this disease no matter what I can't do any drug. Maybe you can smoke a joint here and there and it will never lead you to where it brought me but believe me if someone could have said you have this disease called addiction  I may have never picked up and you can't tell me its genetics cause it isn't with me. So do I Believe the Gateway Drug Theory? For me yes I do. I have to ask what about other people that have this disease that never let's you know until you try. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. So how many others could this be a gateway.

My opinion is something very simple and is the answer I know I have to many things before I jump into many things. Education. Teach the people. Research so more education can be taught. Is there an answer? I don't know but maybe with some more research and education a few lives might be saved or we continue to do what we always do as a society and get what we want when we want it now and learn our lessons as we always do "on the fly" at no matter what cost. Have a great day

The Anonymous People Only 9 Days Left

April 6,2014 3:00pm at the Little Theater,Rochester,NY

Just to keep Everyone up to Date 70 tickets have been sold as of today.We have a little more than 9 days left until the screening.Everything that has been done so far to sell tickets has been done only with social media. Why other media is not responding I haven't a clue. I have sent an email to Film Critic Jack Garner asking for some help or suggestions on getting media to respond. The email went out this afternoon and I am looking forward to his response.

The movie is getting a lot of national attention and that can only help.

I have spoken with Congresswoman Louise Slaughter's office after receiving an inquiry email and she will be attending if her schedule permits.

So lots of great things happening surrounding the screening so tell your friends, coworkers,family whoever so we can have a sold out show.

90 tickets in only 9 days so that's only 10 tickets a day.

The only time you can buy tickets at the Little will be April 6 if any are left.

gathr.us/screening/7225

When The Cats Out of The Bag

When the cats out of the bag, you can look at it as "Thank God" or you can view it as  " The Shit hit the fan"in my experience it was both. I was so relieved that that huge secret was no longer a secret.
It was hard enough trying to figure out how I was gonna get the next one but add in the stress of keeping it from everybody.
So "When the Cat was out of the Bag" I was actually relieved. I was tired. I can't explain how tired I was. The guilt the shame the lies the fear. Wait did I say fear? Yes I did. This addict was scared of what would happen when everyone found out my BIG secret. The thoughts of would my family disown me? Would my non using friends shun me? Would I be treated like lepers were in biblical times. Would my girlfriend leave me? What in hell am I going to do?
This is when I felt the shit hit the fan. Now you must remember I was so self centered I felt the world revolved around me. I mean after all I may have turned the way I lived into animal like comparisons but I was the king of the jungle for the love of god.
Now I found out pretty quick my jungle was now a parking lot. When I came out of my coma I couldn't believe there wasn't a line of people going through my hospital room like a McDonald's drive through.Yeah maybe I had isolated myself from everyone for the past couple years but come on didn't the press print something? What about a spot on the evening news? Why are there no flowers in my room? No messages? No nothing? What about my dealer did he visit? What about my backups and my backups backup? Nobody? Nothing?
OK I think I need some help here? Somebody? Hello? I think I'm drowning here.

Tomorrow look for continuation of this post entitled "Help Arrives (I think).

Sleepless in Seattle

OK I'm not in Seattle but with the rain and the wind outside right now I might as well be. At least I could go out and get a good cup of coffee. I don't really drink coffee but if I lived in Seattle maybe I would. Well its 430 as I write this,that is 4:30 am. I can't sleep at all. Nope not a wink. I used to hate nights like this. When I was using and isolating myself from the world ( except my dealer of course) these would be the hours where either I ran out of cash or any dealer I knew stopped answering the phone. That last year or two of my using I was so sick and tired of begin sick and tired my days of pounding on their doors and windows at these hours was over I couldn't do it.
I don't get many of these sleepless nights any more.During my first year of being clean I had many sleepless nights. The nights that would really suck would be those using dream nights, I'd wake up from the dream and I'd swear the shit was on the nightstand, I'd jump out of bed and start looking on the floor for that bag.  Sometimes my mind would be so wicked I would think I had used it all and I'd be putting my jeans on getting ready to go get more. It would usually be when I was putting my second leg in my jeans that I'd be like " hey that was a dream go back to bed." I'd go back to bed but I'd be so freaked out no sleep was gonna happen. The last 6 months well no more using dreams (thank God). The sleepless nights are few and far between maybe once or twice a month. I'll be completely honest I hate them.
Let me set this straight first off the sleepless nights are nothing and I mean nothing like when I really was using those night were just constant racing thoughts of how early could I get the next fix? How was I gonna support my habit today? The scenarios,the planning, the back up plan, the back up plan to that. Believe me when I tell you being an active drug addict was a dangerous full time job, with 2 part time jobs on the weekend.
Many of you may think well at least I saw a lot of sunrises right? NO WAY I never watched sunrises they would just remind me that another dreadful day of an active drug user was about to begin. As much as I couldn't wait to get the next one, I also dreaded getting the next one. In fact many many days I hoped and prayed I wouldn't make it to the next morning.
I often hear many other addicts say My disease ( that would be "The disease of Addiction) wants me dead. I don't think that at all, in fact my disease (again - of Addiction) had its chance to have me dead 18 months ago. I am convinced my disease just loves to fuckin torture me.
So let's get back to tonight ( sorry, I can ramble sometimes.) Now the few sleepless night I have each month mainly consist of 1. My mind still racing of  thoughts of " Am I doing things right? Am I on the right track? 2. Conversations with my higher power the God of my understanding ( you can call it praying, if it makes you feel better) . 3. Thoughts of my chiropractor cause I think she's really smart and hot(That combination is new to me usually its just "hot" but yet I still never get the nerve...) 4. Thoughts of all the amends to the people I screwed over and if they will ever forgive me but even more important before any amends can be made I need to forgive myself and believe me that can make stay up for a few hours. 5. Did I mention my chiropractor? ( Actually I really hope she doesn't see this because she will just think or know how crazy I am.6. Conversations with my father even though he has been gone for 7 years there is not a day I don't think of him or the things he taught me that for many years I had forgotten . Those times with him I make sure I never forget. 7. I think about my other " defects of character I have and how I need to deal with those. 8. This has never happened before but tonight at 5:40 am I thinking about a bowl of cheerios.
Rock On My Friends.

We Keep What We Have by Giving it Away

These are recovery paradoxes in the 12 step program I am in. I hear these all the time and believe me in the beginning, I hated these sayings I felt everybody that used them was crazy. It really bothered me. Its like the saying "It is What It is". God I hate that saying. To me that saying is just a cop out,really it doesn't have to be that way. If you don't like the way something the way it is then put some work into it and change it. Just because someone else copped out doesn't mean you have to and even if you don't get whatever it is you want to change.  Maybe if somebody sees you try to change it  then they will try and so on and so on  and eventually it will change, even if it helps someone else. Isn't it worth trying?
OK if your still with me I really commend you. Like seriously, I'm wiped out after reading that.So any way where the hell was I ? Oh yea,
"We keep what we have by giving it away" this one is my favorite paradox. I love giving what I have learned away to people that want it.I mean, what better feeling in the world is there? To possibly change someone's life or to help someone get past a hurdle that is holding them back from greatness or personal satisfaction in their life.
Everyone has potential in there life,(OK maybe not the guy in the GEICO commercial). Everyone has good in their life.
Now if you haven't read my post on Empathy now may be the time. I actually don't believe there is a greater reward and it only strengthens now what I have.
Wow this may be my shortest post ever but I'll admit I'm even a little bit confused . Have a blessed day.