The Warning Signs of Relaspe

"You can never ever use successfully again", Just for Today", "If you go back out, You might not make it back" These are all sayings that I've heard throughout my recovery. These sayings are all well and good, but let's take a look at some of the Warning signs before the actual pick up.
Now I'm not a doctor, I'm not a psychologist, I'm not an expert of any kind. I have however done a lot of research and I am going on something I find helpful -previous experience.
Many people in long term recovery have relapsed but if you haven't it doesn't mean you have to. Remember what your mother used to say "If everybody jumped off a bridge it doesn't mean you have to".
Hopefully it means you have a strong program. Although the ugly head of addiction can reap its self at any time so once again between research and experience Here are some great warning signs you might be headed down relapse lane.

Self -Pity
Lots of it usually occurs. "Why me?' Or "No one cares"
Ego
"I got this" or "I'm better than them", Also putting yourself in dangerous situations like hanging with old using friends. Do this enough and it will wear you down.
Unrealistic Goal
"Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have". Don't set goals that you are not going to achieve anytime soon. This will lead to many of those feelings you want to avoid.
Impatience  People not doing what they should be or what you want them to. Things not happening at the pace you want them to.
Not using the tools of recovery- Meetings, Prayer, Social Networks, Meditation. This usually comes from boredom. You can't get bored with your program.
Lack of Gratitude
Forgetting where you came from and how much better things have become.
It Cant Happen to Me
If your disease is progressive like mine then you'll be in worse shape if you relapse.
Depression
Finding yourself being unaccountable or unreliable shows the need to get that crap out and talk about it.
Exhaustion
 Taking on to much at once like over working,trying to make up for lost time. This all brings up feelings that we don't want to have.
Recognizing these signs are so important and they usually happen long before the relapse happens so this way you can come up with a plan to get back on the right track.

It's Summer!!!!!

So I was reading Leah Miranda's post Top 10 Sober Summer Activities (#sobersummer). I was inspired to do my top 10 list ( Thanks Leah!!!). Now I must admit summer has been on my mind for ohhhh let's see since December 26 and I have been mentally putting the list together. Now are these total sober or clean events - No not by any stretch of the imagination but as long as I stay clean and sober. So I would suggest if your not sure if you can handle the surroundings don't put yourself in those surrounding's. Now I'm not saying I went and hung out in drug houses and bars last summer. In fact last summer was the first "clean" summer I had in decades but last summer was filled with anxiety and panic attacks too and I did attend some events that sold alcohol or had people getting high. I ended up going to the local jazz fest here twice last summer once to see Dr.John and once to see my all time fav Delbert McClinton but I went with a huge sober support who would have broken my arms if I tried anything ( Thanks Sean). I also went to see Steve Winwood, The Allman Brothers and Styx. Again I went with another supporter and left when I wanted to. Some may argue that that wasn't a smart for me so early but it worked. So anyway back to my Summer of 2015 list of things I plan on accomplishing.

1. Bonfires
OK I agree the above picture looks more like a California wildfire or a meteor landing but last summer I did some bonfires and for some reason they were so cool. I really can't tell you why.I mean all we did was try not to get eaten alive by insects and just shoot the shit but still it was relaxing and I was hanging with good friends and that was perfect for me. So more bonfires this summer I say.

2. ADK
OK not making a trip to the Adirondacks wouldn't make my summer  complete its something I have done since I was little and even though I missed many years because I was off doing something else. I went last year and spent the week with my niece and had an awesome time. So why not do it again. Something about that "peaceful easy feeling", breakfast at "Good Times", Ice Cream at "Northern Lights " fireworks on the dock. No cell, no internet, no TV.

3. Read a Book

It had been years since I had read a book. It had been years since I had learned anything. Last summer I decided to read a book but just not any book a book that would take some time to read. A book that I could learn from. A book I would enjoy. So I looked and looked and funny thing was the book was right in front of me the entire time. Heck the book is probably close to you. I picked The Bible. Now I was brought up catholic. Catholic elementary school, Catholic High School ( until I was asked to leave). But I had never opened up a Bible. Now while I was running in active addiction any thought of a higher power just did not exist except of course for my 911 higher power. So now being clean I was trying to find my spirituality my higher power. So if I'm gonna reconnect why not read the book. So I read the Old Testament last summer. I learned so much and it got me to reconnect with my higher power. Now this summer I will read the New Testament.

4. Grilling
There is nothing like the taste of a huge burger with the juice dripping off of it,all the condiments overflowing onto a hard bun. Or the perfect taste of a tender steak with grilled corn on the cob and the unbelievable taste popping salt potatoes. Now if you were at any of the parties I was at last summer you know I can't grill for shit but I do love to eat and I do look good in an apron.

5. North Wildwood, NJ,
I miss North Wildwood so much. I lived there when I was in my late teens and I had some of the best summers ever. I lived in a 2nd floor shack by the ocean and I guarantee there is nothing like it. The ocean air, the unbelieveable seafood, stress less and beautiful plus I got a friend who has never been to the ocean who am I to deny that to them. Sounds like a road trip !!!!

6. Cigars
 To me the pleasure of after a hard day of work going out on the back deck and smoking a couple of cigars with a few buddies and the conversation starts flowing. Politics anyone?

7.Hometown Festivals
At least in the town I currently live in from about May to September There seems  to be a festival every night of the week. The International Jazz Fest, Corn Hill Arts Festival, Park Ave Fest, Clothes Line Fest. I could go on and on. Grab a Red Oiser ( great roast beef sandwich). Plus I love to people watch so I will definitely be hitting some of those.

8.Block Island,Rhode Island
This place is a hidden jewel. Block Island is like the Hamptons for the middle class. The way to get there is to take a ferry from Point Judith,NY you can bring your car on the ferry if you want but I suggest leave the car and rent a moped or bicycle to go around the island. Lighthouses are a stop you want to see. All the restaurants are top notch. Yes there are touristy shops and all that but it doesn't look or even feel like it. The beaches seem like they never end and the locals are the nicest people you'll ever meet.The island actually has that old southern look and attitude. I love going here. A three day stay is ideal for me and really gives me that chance to suck it all in.

9. Do Something for Someone
Whether you volunteer or contribute to a cause  that is awesome but try doing something nice for someone in your family or someone who is a person who does for others all the time but its rare

they are recognized. I am actually taking my 82 year old mother to go see Kieth Urban in July. I am not a fan of country music and to be honest I have never even heard a Kieth Urban song. But hey my mom has a crush on Kieth Urban and thats OK with me so were going to go to the show.

10.Stay Clean

This actually will be the most important thing I will do all summer. I must keep my program active,attend my meetings and do my service work. With keeping true to staying clean how can I not have a great summer.

I Get By With A Little Help From my Friends

I was never a huge Beatles fan growing up. Not really sure why, but I've grown to appreciate them and what they did. I actually have really grown a huge amount of respect for Paul McCartney and how he changes the face of music everyday.
OK  now don't get all excited about the fact that I changed the one word in the title of the song. I get high with a little help from my friends has been always a favorite song of mine to listen to and perform.
Today's post is about Friends and this post is totally off the cuff no research, no rewrites, no politically correct bullshit just straight from the heart and soul.

Friends have been a huge part of my life. I'm talkin those close can't get through today without them friends. Sure you have those friends that you can see every once in while and those one good night or time memories makes you smile. Those friends you maybe did something you shouldn't have with. We have our high school and college friends that we had to talk to everyday but haven't spoken to since the day we graduated. We have those friends that we celebrated certain milestones in our life that we'll never forget but yet never make a point to call or see. Then we have those friends we partied with or those friends that could always hook you up with whatever that may be.

But I'm not talk in about those "friends".

Now if you have ever been to hell (I have) or lived a part of your life in addiction ( I have) and then a life of recovery ( I am) many things in life can and will take on new meaning. Friends are one of those things and if not the most important Friends are very high on that list for me. Growing up or childhood friends are at least for me something that have a very special part of my soul and my heart. I have one childhood friend that fits that part. Growing up we are innocent, we are kids discovering life as we know it. We are finding what we like, what we don't. We are opening our eyes to all that life has to offer. We are starting to shape the mold of the rest of our lives. I am lucky and blessed enough to have one of those friends. We talked on the phone multiple times a day. We spent every waking hour with each other. We laughed all day everyday. When a problem happened in our young lives no matter how small or how goofy those problems may seem now we did everything we could to help solve it. When they felt pain I felt pain. When I cried they cried. When they prospered I prospered. Life has gone on and things have changed. We moved, we got married, we started families, we got jobs. Even though technology has made communication easier than ever we don't talk everyday,every week or even every month but guess what that don't matter because when we do run into each other and sometimes these days its for funerals. That same childhood feeling that growing up feeling all comes back and reminds you of all those memories and lessons we learned growing up. That mold we were so busy shaping now begins to have life again and becomes stronger because you get that feeling in your soul again that tells you that they are still there for you and it tells you that you're there for them. That they still care about you like they did everyday growing up as you do them. That childhood friend of mine knows who they are and that to me is the main ingredient in having close friends throughout your life.

I've made other close friends throughout my life that have made huge impacts on my life also but I'm gonna skip a little ahead like into my years of addiction. I can think of two people that have been through it all with me. These two people stood by me no matter what they never gave up on me. They were always just a phone call away. They tried to protect me and when they saw that there was no protecting me because I was so self destructive to myself they were just a step away. When I was the most selfish unethical asshole, they shrugged it off. When I came crawling for help numerous and multiple times they were there. They tried to pick me up many times. They offered everything they had why cause we had that bond, that tie, that gorilla glue that couldn't be beat. Wow how freakin lucky can a guy be? Seriously?

So now I can skip ahead to today. Today is a new day for me a new time for me. Being in recovery shines a new light on me and dusts some of that dust off of me so I can remember that void I had placed in my soul. Maybe its because many of my new close friends have been through the same thing I have been. Most of my new friends are people I have met through recovery and if that was the only thing I ever got out of recovery I'm more than satisfied. I have met and become friends now that are exactly like my childhood friend and those two friends I spoke of who were crazy enough to stick by me. My friends today have set my soul on fire have reestablished faith in my life today. These friends are as important as the air I breathe and as valuable as all the gold I could carry. The appreciation I have for All of my friends I have today and those whom I have described from past are the reason I get up everyday.The reason I fight. The reason? I have hope. So to all of you and you know who you are.

Thank You