ADDICT

ADDICT

What do we think of when we hear that word?

What do we imagine when we hear that word?

I can't imagine any of your answers or thoughts were very good.

Why would they? Addict has been a dark and vile word for decades.  7 decades ago when the word became let's say a household word, it was even then, a word you didn't want to be labeled with.

No doubt I've heard throughout my short time in recovery people say " I'm Proud to be an Addict" but that is always in a room full of other Addicts or at least where the Addicts out number the "Normal People".

So why do we continue to down the Addict ? Why do we treat Addicts and Addiction like we did lepers and leprosy in Biblical times. 

Is it the " Choice" myth? "Addiction is a choice" or "People choose to be Addicts". Really is this where our society, with all its high tech, with all the new inventions, with the world wide web has gone?

Addiction is a DISEASE. Like it or not. 23.5 million Americans are Addicts. Many many are in long term recovery.

I can guarantee you none of them grew up hoping to be an Addict. None of them grew up thinking I can't wait to steal from my loved ones or hoping their true love would end up with a needle in their arm or a crack pipe in their mouth. I'm also very positive none of them wanted to work the full time job of being an Addict, where you never have a day off, you work at least as much overtime. There are no benefits, There are no holidays, there are no vacations, there are no perks, no encouragement, no pat on the back, no letter of recommendation. Yup that's what I told my mom and dad that I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

Cancer isn't a dark and vile word. Cancer is a disease. No one grows up hoping to get prostrate cancer or breast cancer. 

When people hear the word cancer they might get sad or very upset because a loved one or someone they know or maybe don't even know has the disease. That feeling soon turns into anger or rage and we want to do everything to destroy it or arrest it.

Let's just go back a few decades Aids in the 1980's was a dirty word. Famous musician, actors, actresses and the press totally turned that around and changed public perception of this horrible disease. Today there are 1.3 million Americans living their lives with this disease. People being made aware of what the disease of HIV is and being made aware of the prevention and treatment needed to combat this disease has been part of the turnaround with public opinion and success of HIV in the past 25 years.
Addict in 2014 is still a dirty word. Addiction is still something we don't talk about. Addiction continues to be swept under the rug. The effects on society from addiction are astounding but yet.Wait I can't talk about it.

Self Mastery- Part One

OK before I entered long term recovery I will admit I had no idea what self mastery was. I thought it was some strange masturbation act like maybe the thing that the lead singer of Inxs died from. I don't know I can't be responsible for my thoughts in active addiction.
Once I got into recovery I found myself really trying to get in touch with myself ( No Pun intended - OK I couldn't resist) and really get to know me. The real me.Self Mastery basically holds the key to the quality of life.
Mainly, to foster an evolution of a powerful belief system. When a far reaching belief system is established and used daily in your life,you will follow the way and reach the destiny of that belief system.
You can have and get whatever you want in life and create your own destiny by just understanding and living that system to influence whatever you say, do, or think.
Most people know what they should be doing in life. Few people actually follow through with it, even though they know what is required to do that. Why you ask?
Well let's talk about those nasty things we sometimes love and sometimes hate - Feelings
If you change how you feel in any situation, that will ultimately alter how you act. Are you still with me?
Basically by having self mastery over your feelings and creating the correct feeling you should really have, you are on your way to controlling your reactions.
Now in the image above they talk about the Physical state. Physical state is very important. Now I'm not talking about having abs of steel or tight buns. What I am saying is if you control your health, all that is going to do is create energy and enthusiasm in all aspects of your life.
Now many many aspects of your life fall in the category of relationships both personal and professional. Now if you can share some of your accomplishments and successes with those you have relationships with. You will feel that sense of accomplishment and contribution in your own life be magnified.
Well I will continue my thoughts on self mastery in the next post. That right there is enough to digest but easy enough to begin trying out and see some results. Just remember that its the beginning key to quality of life.

The Warning Signs of Relaspe

"You can never ever use successfully again", Just for Today", "If you go back out, You might not make it back" These are all sayings that I've heard throughout my recovery. These sayings are all well and good, but let's take a look at some of the Warning signs before the actual pick up.
Now I'm not a doctor, I'm not a psychologist, I'm not an expert of any kind. I have however done a lot of research and I am going on something I find helpful -previous experience.
Many people in long term recovery have relapsed but if you haven't it doesn't mean you have to. Remember what your mother used to say "If everybody jumped off a bridge it doesn't mean you have to".
Hopefully it means you have a strong program. Although the ugly head of addiction can reap its self at any time so once again between research and experience Here are some great warning signs you might be headed down relapse lane.

Self -Pity
Lots of it usually occurs. "Why me?' Or "No one cares"
Ego
"I got this" or "I'm better than them", Also putting yourself in dangerous situations like hanging with old using friends. Do this enough and it will wear you down.
Unrealistic Goal
"Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have". Don't set goals that you are not going to achieve anytime soon. This will lead to many of those feelings you want to avoid.
Impatience  People not doing what they should be or what you want them to. Things not happening at the pace you want them to.
Not using the tools of recovery- Meetings, Prayer, Social Networks, Meditation. This usually comes from boredom. You can't get bored with your program.
Lack of Gratitude
Forgetting where you came from and how much better things have become.
It Cant Happen to Me
If your disease is progressive like mine then you'll be in worse shape if you relapse.
Depression
Finding yourself being unaccountable or unreliable shows the need to get that crap out and talk about it.
Exhaustion
 Taking on to much at once like over working,trying to make up for lost time. This all brings up feelings that we don't want to have.
Recognizing these signs are so important and they usually happen long before the relapse happens so this way you can come up with a plan to get back on the right track.

Medical and Recovery

When i first got out into recovery, one of the first things i was told was that physical was a big thing when you come back from the war. They were right i had a grocery list of health problems and better health would help in my recovery.
I can say today 628 days later my grocery list is cut down to a convenient store list.

The  best thing i did though was I told my doctor  that i was in recovery. I asked him how he felt about that? I asked him if he had  ever treated an addict before. We decided after speaking a couple times that i should switch my primary care doctor. There were no hard feelings there was no yelling screaming  or any of those scenarios that we create in our heads. In fact after meeting with a specialist doctor i have had for many years he made a suggestion that i check out a doctor that he recommended.
I took that suggestion and i am so happy i did. My new primary doctor is the best. He stays on top of all of my health issues. He hooked me up with other specialist doctors who have recovering addicts  as patients.
Suddenly my health care has been a great experience. I don't dread going to my appointments anymore. As with my recovery, my health issues show progress. Add all this together i now care about my health. I want to get healthy.
Yes i have my issues with my health like smoking , losing weight etc etc and those i am getting to  i mean Rome wasn't built in a day.
So my advice to not only recovering addicts but anyone who feels like you progressing in your health, talk to your doctor or doctors. Communicate it might just be the best thing to help you get started.

The Status Update

Wow lots going on in Dave's world and I couldn't be any more happy or hopeful. I'll be explaining a little more on those things in a bit First though I must give credit where credit is due and that's is my recovery. Without my recovery none of the good things would be possible. Recovery has given me my life back. Recovery has restored my relationship my higher power. This was a relationship I had chose to ignore not even acknowledge. I know that my higher power was always there but now that I acknowledge his presence I can now do the things that I couldn't before because I know he is there. Now I'm not saying by any means that life is not problem free. I have problems many many problems but I chose to face these problems instead of running away getting high and choosing to ignore them. Recovery has done this for me.
So quick update. The Rochester Recovery Film Festival is going great we look like we have a location,which was my first concern. Looks also like we have our first film we will be showing and that will all be announced very soon. Next I am going to be doing a story for sobernation.com I am very happy and excited about this opportunity.Second after much thought and much encouragement I have teamed up with an experienced author and have begun to write a book. This feels like a slow process but it really isn't considering they want this out by November. I am also finally getting a band together and I am super stoked about the players and people that I am going to be working with. Still got a couple of players to get yet but once they see everybody else it shouldn't be a problem.

I Get By With A Little Help From my Friends

I was never a huge Beatles fan growing up. Not really sure why, but I've grown to appreciate them and what they did. I actually have really grown a huge amount of respect for Paul McCartney and how he changes the face of music everyday.
OK  now don't get all excited about the fact that I changed the one word in the title of the song. I get high with a little help from my friends has been always a favorite song of mine to listen to and perform.
Today's post is about Friends and this post is totally off the cuff no research, no rewrites, no politically correct bullshit just straight from the heart and soul.

Friends have been a huge part of my life. I'm talkin those close can't get through today without them friends. Sure you have those friends that you can see every once in while and those one good night or time memories makes you smile. Those friends you maybe did something you shouldn't have with. We have our high school and college friends that we had to talk to everyday but haven't spoken to since the day we graduated. We have those friends that we celebrated certain milestones in our life that we'll never forget but yet never make a point to call or see. Then we have those friends we partied with or those friends that could always hook you up with whatever that may be.

But I'm not talk in about those "friends".

Now if you have ever been to hell (I have) or lived a part of your life in addiction ( I have) and then a life of recovery ( I am) many things in life can and will take on new meaning. Friends are one of those things and if not the most important Friends are very high on that list for me. Growing up or childhood friends are at least for me something that have a very special part of my soul and my heart. I have one childhood friend that fits that part. Growing up we are innocent, we are kids discovering life as we know it. We are finding what we like, what we don't. We are opening our eyes to all that life has to offer. We are starting to shape the mold of the rest of our lives. I am lucky and blessed enough to have one of those friends. We talked on the phone multiple times a day. We spent every waking hour with each other. We laughed all day everyday. When a problem happened in our young lives no matter how small or how goofy those problems may seem now we did everything we could to help solve it. When they felt pain I felt pain. When I cried they cried. When they prospered I prospered. Life has gone on and things have changed. We moved, we got married, we started families, we got jobs. Even though technology has made communication easier than ever we don't talk everyday,every week or even every month but guess what that don't matter because when we do run into each other and sometimes these days its for funerals. That same childhood feeling that growing up feeling all comes back and reminds you of all those memories and lessons we learned growing up. That mold we were so busy shaping now begins to have life again and becomes stronger because you get that feeling in your soul again that tells you that they are still there for you and it tells you that you're there for them. That they still care about you like they did everyday growing up as you do them. That childhood friend of mine knows who they are and that to me is the main ingredient in having close friends throughout your life.

I've made other close friends throughout my life that have made huge impacts on my life also but I'm gonna skip a little ahead like into my years of addiction. I can think of two people that have been through it all with me. These two people stood by me no matter what they never gave up on me. They were always just a phone call away. They tried to protect me and when they saw that there was no protecting me because I was so self destructive to myself they were just a step away. When I was the most selfish unethical asshole, they shrugged it off. When I came crawling for help numerous and multiple times they were there. They tried to pick me up many times. They offered everything they had why cause we had that bond, that tie, that gorilla glue that couldn't be beat. Wow how freakin lucky can a guy be? Seriously?

So now I can skip ahead to today. Today is a new day for me a new time for me. Being in recovery shines a new light on me and dusts some of that dust off of me so I can remember that void I had placed in my soul. Maybe its because many of my new close friends have been through the same thing I have been. Most of my new friends are people I have met through recovery and if that was the only thing I ever got out of recovery I'm more than satisfied. I have met and become friends now that are exactly like my childhood friend and those two friends I spoke of who were crazy enough to stick by me. My friends today have set my soul on fire have reestablished faith in my life today. These friends are as important as the air I breathe and as valuable as all the gold I could carry. The appreciation I have for All of my friends I have today and those whom I have described from past are the reason I get up everyday.The reason I fight. The reason? I have hope. So to all of you and you know who you are.

Thank You

Same Shit Different Day-Right?

Sometimes I have these days and I've come to the conclusion that these types of days are no one else's fault but my own. I become obsessed with time. I  want things to happen now. I know I have written about this before. It is obviously a major thing in my life right now.I get frustrated and feel like each day becomes "Same Shit, Different Day". I will have no ambition and don't feel like I am advancing with,well just life in general. Then things become monotonous, boring and again frustrating. These things lead to thoughts that I really don't want in my head. Thoughts that I have been fighting the last 19 months.When really I should just be happy I made it through another day clean.
I have heard about people making lists of things that they are grateful for each day. Now I'm not an expert on these lists but I am assuming that they make these lists first thing in the morning. Now I've never done one of these lists because to be honest I've thought they were stupid, silly even below me. Why? Best answer I can give is I'm judgmental and probably its also my ego. I know stupid right? Well thats why I'm telling on my self right now.
So things I am grateful for.

Seeing this is the first time I'll be doing this I want to do it correctly.So let's see what The McGraw-Hill Dictionary of American Idioms and Phrasal Verbs has to say.

Taking Someone or Something for Granted-  To expect someone or something  to be always available to serve in someway without thanks or recognition; to value someone or something too lightly.

Well pretty simple, pretty self explanatory Right? OK I'm gonna start with what should be most obvious but it isn't. To see, To touch, To Taste, To Feel, To Smell, To Love, To Hear and To Laugh. Our Freedom is another thing we have everyday that I'm sure gets taken everyday. But what about those things that get me through the day that I never really am thankful for but are so important. Music for me is like a lifeline but do I appreciate the science, the art,the mathematics that design it?Communication look how far this has come and some of us couldn't live without it. Water is another thing we can't live without ( literally, people)Breathing not air. The process of how we breath but don't even realize we are doing it.

What things do you take for granted?

Time Can Change Me But I Can't Change Time

I knew I just knew this day would come. It actually came last Friday when I was at this meeting. I've been waiting for it. You would think maybe just maybe I would be happy about it, maybe even ecstatic. I'm not. Why?  Not sure to be honest. I mean this is what I did my whole life until about nine years ago. This is what I loved to do. This is what I lived for this was my breath, my soul, my mojo right?
So what's the problem? I don't know and believe me its got me pissed off.
OK if your still with me thanks but I can't promise it will get much better at all. So you have an idea of what I am talking about I'll have to turn back the hands of time.

OK I was an entertainer, musician, singer what ever you want to call it for a huge chunk of my life about 17 years and damn I was good. I had to go through many many obstacles but that didn't mean shit to me I had one goal and that was it. I accomplished a lot of my goal to do my art full time and I accomplished that for many years. I've done things and been to places people will never have the chance to experience. I've hung with the best and have been treated the way people only could wish for and as much as that may sound egotistical I can promise you this I never ever took a minute of it for granted.
Well about 7,8 or 9 years ago I can't really remember right now I said fuck it I don't want to do this anymore. I've had enough. Why did I say that? Not really sure, maybe the drugs became more important. There was also a ton and I mean a ton of other shit going on in my life which I am not going to get into so I think it may have been a combination of everything. Anyway that was it. Yeah I burned a lot of bridges at the end and its something I've tried to repair. Some people may never get past that and even though that sucks I accept that. I will also say I helped many many peoples lives and career. I put many people's wants ahead of my own and my first wife. We sacraficed a lot and that was my own fault there were many things I should have done differently but I can't foucus on those things because those instances are out of my control there is nothing I can do about the past except for make the future better right? So like I said I've tried to make amends where I could and some people can't accept that and I understand that again and if your one of those people reading this hey I love ya and when your ready I'm here.

So since the day I said "fuck it" I've regretted it everyday since but yet everyday since I haven't been able to say " OK let's do it". I have been getting stronger everyday though and Friday after having a brief conversation with someone I had just met and even though it has been my mind rather seriously the past couple of weeks this conversation ignited a spark within me probably because he told me he was going through something and guess what. Well what he told me was exactly what I have been going through. Obviously it was awesome just to know someone was going thru the same thing. That spark was still flickering in me throughout the weekend but today I felt like I took a step backwards and it pissed me off. Im not giving up though I'll make it happen somehow someday.CH CH CH CH Changes