What Do You Want From Life?

What Do You Want From Life

The Tubes

What do you want from life?

To kidnap a heiress

Or threaten her with a knife

What do you want from life?

To get cable TV

And watch it every night

There you sit

A lump in your chair

Where do you sleep?

And what do you wear?

When your sleeping.

What do you want from life?

An Indian Guru

To show you the inner light?

What do you want from life?

A meaningless love affair

With a girl you met tonight?

How can you tell when your doin alright?

Does your bank account swell

When your dreaming at night?

How do you know when your really in love?

Do violins play

When your touching the one

That your loving

What do you want from life?

Someone to love

Or somebody you can trust

What do you want from life?

To try and be happy

And do the nasty things you must?

Well you can't have that

But if you are an American citizen, you are entitled to

A heated kidney shaped pool

A microwave oven-dont watch the food cook

A dyna gym-- I'll personally demonstrate it in the privacy of your own home

A full size titanic unsinkable molly brown waterbed with poybendum

A foolproof plan and an airtight alibi

Real simulated Indian jewelry

A Gucci shoetree

A years supply of antibiotics

A personally autographed picture of Randy Mantooth

And Bob Dylan's new unlisted phone number
A beautifully restored 3rd Reich swizzle stick
Rosemary's baby
A dream date in kneepads with Paul Williams
A new matador a new mastador
A maverick, A mustang, A montego
A merc Montclair, A mark IV, A meteor
A Mercedes, An MG, A malibu
A Mort moriarty, A Mercedes, A Mac truck
A Mazda, A new Monza or a moped
A Winnebago, hell a herd of Winnebagos we're giving them away
Or how about a McCulloch chainsaw
A las Vegas wedding
A Mexican divorce
A solid gold kama sutra coffee pot
Or a baby's arm holding an apple

Need I say more?

Being Clean and Sober and going to College

After seeing The Anonymous People yesterday, in the documentary was a part about Teenagers that may be in Recovery and how going off to college could be a potential relapse. This makes total sense and something I have never really thought about because after all I am just a wee past my college years. I ended up doing some research on this and actually found about 20 or so different "Sober" colleges and I was surprised to find some well known colleges.
So what exactly is a "Clean and Sober College"?
Well it is exactly what it sounds like. A college where college aged students can go to learn and live in a substance free enviorment.
These colleges offer the same majors as any of the non-clean and sober colleges. It is awesome though that this offered

1. Brigham Young University, Provo,Utah'
2. Wheaton University, Wheaton,Illinois
3. College of The Ozarks, Point Lookout,MO
4. Thomas Aquinas College,Santa Paula,CA
5. US Military Academy, West Point, NY
6. Grove City College, Grove City,PA
7. Wesleyan College, Macon,GA
8. U.S. Coast Guard Academy, New London,CT
9. U.S. Naval Academy, Annapolis, MD
10. Calvin College, Grand Rapids, Mich
11. City University of New York- Brooklyn College, Brooklyn,NY
12. City University of New York- New York City College,NY,NY
13. City University of New York-Queens College,Flushing,NY
14. Mills College, Oakland,CA
15. Agnes Scott College,Atlanta,GA
16. Franklin W. Olin College of Engineering, Needham,MA
17. California Institute of Technology,Pasadena,CA
18. Simmons College,Boston,MA
19. Wellesley College,Wellesley,MA
20. Xavier College,New Orleans,LA

Trials and Tribulations

No one ever said this was going to be easy.No one ever said "Here is a magic pill, take it and your cured". Their was no guarantee. Their still is no guarantee. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and just maybe that's why I became so passionate about it because I really am fighting for my life everyday and that sucks but that is it. Do I want to make this something I have to deal with everyday for the rest of my life? Hell no. Do I have a choice? Hell no.
It kills me sometimes because people who don't have this disease or even people that can be weekend warriors and never have to worry about it taking over your entire life have no idea.Many people are absolutely clueless about the disease of addiction. That is not my concern right now or be the reason I'm once again writing about my life for anyone to see.
Me writing these posts each day actually do much more for me than anyone reading this. Maybe just maybe someone reading this might not pick up or maybe someone who is going through life with the disease of addiction can relate to something I'm going through and maybe they feel a little bit better. Now that's all and good and I hope that either one of those things can happen. But that is not my goal my goal is completely self centered.  I stay clean for myself. Not anyone else. I know that that comment can sound selfish but it is the only way this can work. It is sort of like the comment I can only be strong for someone as strong as I am myself.
Even though I know this will be a life long journey I do know each day gets a little bit easier and that makes me a little bit stronger and I am extremely lucky that I have been given the tools to make that happen and I do this through the 12 step program I practice every day.
I do get very frustrated at times though believe it or not. It is so frustrating sometimes to see people accomplishing goals that they set in life and are accomplishing them. Maybe they haven't accomplished them but they are still working towards them. These things frustrate me, not because I don't want to see them do this but because I am not able to do that right now. I need to continue to get better physically, mentally,spirituality. Could it be jealously? I'm sure in ways it is. I try not to look at it like that, I try to look at it as more of a motivation. Could I be doing more each day to get better? Probably.

I think of things like a person trying to get to the top of a mountain. Not a specific mountain just a big freaking mountain and as I do go through my trials and tribulations each day I hope to get a little bit closer to the top. Some days on my climb the weather might be foggy and I have to get through that fog to clearer sky. Sometimes it might be stormy and I need to take cover. Not everyday do I make great strides in my climb and that's OK . Some days I have to help other people in their climb. I have to watch myself because as in life there can be various pitfalls or dangers so not only must I be physically ready but mentally ready to be able to outsmart those dangers and spiritually strong to be able to ask for help or rely on something greater than myself to get me a little bit further in my climb. I also tell myself its OK if I might stumble on a root or a branch on my climb as long as I don't put myself in the bears path I'll be OK. I don't want to be king of the mountain. I don't want to claim that mountain as mine and fight anyone who also may be on "The Climb". I just want to find my little spot that I can build upon, that I can can develop,that I can protect,that I can each day reflect and be satisfied,be content and be thankful.

Life can be rough sometimes and life can be wonderful but its not just what you make out of it. To me its what your mind decides it is. Your mind can make things wonderful and your mind can screw with you something awful and sometimes you can control that and sometimes you can have no control over what your mind thinks or controls what you do. This is why I feel the best way you can have somewhat control is by having an active spirit, an active soul. The stronger your spirituality is, the more active your spirituality is. The more content, the more peaceful each day can be. The only way your spirit can be active is by having your physical body be active. I am not talking about going to the gym and working out everyday. I am talking about getting up and moving. Something that simple can be huge. Some days we just don't want to get out of bed and we don't want to face the world or deal with anyone. Imagine how we feel on those days and imagine how that little fire inside you feels. Probably just a flicker. I also find the more I am in touch with my spirituality or my soul the more I am less judging the more I am not only more in touch with myself but I can be more in touch with other people and understand people may have their own problems or issues going on in their own lives. I am going to always judge. It is inevitable our minds are trained to do that. We judge constantly everyday about many many things like people's appearances, what people are doing. I could go on and on as I am sure we all can. What I have learned though is if we can just slow down on the judging even a minimal amount. It can spread and create a huge amount of positivity. So what's the deal? I need to reread this and listen to my own advice.

Time Can Change Me But I Can't Change Time

I knew I just knew this day would come. It actually came last Friday when I was at this meeting. I've been waiting for it. You would think maybe just maybe I would be happy about it, maybe even ecstatic. I'm not. Why?  Not sure to be honest. I mean this is what I did my whole life until about nine years ago. This is what I loved to do. This is what I lived for this was my breath, my soul, my mojo right?
So what's the problem? I don't know and believe me its got me pissed off.
OK if your still with me thanks but I can't promise it will get much better at all. So you have an idea of what I am talking about I'll have to turn back the hands of time.

OK I was an entertainer, musician, singer what ever you want to call it for a huge chunk of my life about 17 years and damn I was good. I had to go through many many obstacles but that didn't mean shit to me I had one goal and that was it. I accomplished a lot of my goal to do my art full time and I accomplished that for many years. I've done things and been to places people will never have the chance to experience. I've hung with the best and have been treated the way people only could wish for and as much as that may sound egotistical I can promise you this I never ever took a minute of it for granted.
Well about 7,8 or 9 years ago I can't really remember right now I said fuck it I don't want to do this anymore. I've had enough. Why did I say that? Not really sure, maybe the drugs became more important. There was also a ton and I mean a ton of other shit going on in my life which I am not going to get into so I think it may have been a combination of everything. Anyway that was it. Yeah I burned a lot of bridges at the end and its something I've tried to repair. Some people may never get past that and even though that sucks I accept that. I will also say I helped many many peoples lives and career. I put many people's wants ahead of my own and my first wife. We sacraficed a lot and that was my own fault there were many things I should have done differently but I can't foucus on those things because those instances are out of my control there is nothing I can do about the past except for make the future better right? So like I said I've tried to make amends where I could and some people can't accept that and I understand that again and if your one of those people reading this hey I love ya and when your ready I'm here.

So since the day I said "fuck it" I've regretted it everyday since but yet everyday since I haven't been able to say " OK let's do it". I have been getting stronger everyday though and Friday after having a brief conversation with someone I had just met and even though it has been my mind rather seriously the past couple of weeks this conversation ignited a spark within me probably because he told me he was going through something and guess what. Well what he told me was exactly what I have been going through. Obviously it was awesome just to know someone was going thru the same thing. That spark was still flickering in me throughout the weekend but today I felt like I took a step backwards and it pissed me off. Im not giving up though I'll make it happen somehow someday.CH CH CH CH Changes

Collateral Damage

Collateral Damage is damage to things that are incedental to the intended target. It is frequently used as a military term where it can be referred to the incedental destruction of civilian property or Non-combat casualties.
I have never been in the Military but I have been to war. That war was the war of my addiction and yes there was and has been collateral damage. Professionals call them codependents.
When the military plans a mission the collateral damage is figured in and I'm sure then debated is the mission's collateral damage "worth it" or not. Whether you agree with it or not it is a part of our lives and I am sure has been for centuries.
 As much as I hate to even think about my collateral damage I do feel in away that I do need to keep it fresh in my mind. Why because that is the worst feeling I get when I remember my collateral damage.
During my active addiction it was all about me and my need to get one more. I did not concern myself how others and usually that meant ones that I love and was  dependent upon would feel or the damage sometimes irreplaceable that I would inflict upon them. Now I can't go around blaming myself  for everything I did . I have a disease of addiction.
In my active addiction I didn't have a choice I needed to feed my addiction. A lot of the damage done was done to my myself and I realize that and can accept that today but the damage I did to others still weighs heavily on me but on the flip side serves as a huge motivator to stay in recovery.
So what in Gods name is my reasoning for writing this post?
Good question.  Let's face it though no one an addict or not no wants to think about it and sometimes I feel our mind tries to  file it way back in that file cabnet in our head. So that's why I have tried to in my recovery try to offer any assistance or help to people who have loved ones in active addiction. It does remind me of my collateral damage from my active addiction and even the collateral damage I may have now as I work on other character defects I have.Some of the damage I have caused may never be repaid because its either just not possible in this lifetime or it couldn't be settled without causing more damage to myself or others. So I keep myself clean and better and constantly strive for better.
Sometimes though it is necessary at least in my case to have that reminder and just offer those who may be going through pain and suffering with that loved one  just a "Hey I know what your going through" or just the fact that someone cares enough to listen and know they are being thought of. Sometimes you don't really have to know that person.
Which brings me to why I wrote this post. During my travels on the internet I came upon a woman, a mother,and maybe an overall saint. She writes a blog that deals with the trials of having a son who is in active addiction and when I say active I mean like right now. She is a single mom with two other young daughters caught in this mess. Her name is Susan and I have never met her or even talked with her. I have been basically lurking in the shadows of her blog reading every word she prints (sorry that sounded creepy).Today it actually wasn't even a post on her blog it was just a I need to get this off my chest status rant and when I read it. I could feel her frustration, her helplessness feeling and I sent her a comment. A very basic comment because really I did not know what to say because I know what those feeling are on both sides of the fence so all I said was "so true,every word of it. I hear you" because as much as we feel as humans to give adce or our opinion sometimes people just need to know they are not alone.Someone They just need to know someone anyone is there. The other thing is Susan is not even in this country she is actually across "the pond" in the United Kingdom. Here is a link to her blog
livingwithmydrugabusingteenager.blogspot.com

By the way 15 minutes after I left that comment I received a "thanks"  and that my friends made my day.

The Anonymous People Only 9 Days Left

April 6,2014 3:00pm at the Little Theater,Rochester,NY

Just to keep Everyone up to Date 70 tickets have been sold as of today.We have a little more than 9 days left until the screening.Everything that has been done so far to sell tickets has been done only with social media. Why other media is not responding I haven't a clue. I have sent an email to Film Critic Jack Garner asking for some help or suggestions on getting media to respond. The email went out this afternoon and I am looking forward to his response.

The movie is getting a lot of national attention and that can only help.

I have spoken with Congresswoman Louise Slaughter's office after receiving an inquiry email and she will be attending if her schedule permits.

So lots of great things happening surrounding the screening so tell your friends, coworkers,family whoever so we can have a sold out show.

90 tickets in only 9 days so that's only 10 tickets a day.

The only time you can buy tickets at the Little will be April 6 if any are left.

gathr.us/screening/7225

A Hard Habit to Break (God I Hate That Song)

So last night I got this email from a reader of this blog (Which I love getting by the way) and they said "What is the difference between a Habit and an Addiction?" They also proceeded to say "I might smoke pot on the weekends as a habit but in no way shape or form am I addicted." Then they said "Or am I ?"
Well let's get one thing straight first. I am not an expert on anything. I hold no degrees on anything. I am a recovering addict. Now I can give you an opinion based on my experience.
So let's start.....
First what is a Habit ?
A habit is done by choice. A person can stop a habit successfully when they make a choice to do so. When a person decides to stop there is no pshycological or physical component involved and is not an issue.

OK so what is an Addiction?
Now there is a pshycological/physical component involved.The person can not control the aspects of the addiction because of the mental or physical component involved.
Now I know 100% that I can not use any mood altering substance whether liquid or not because I have that disease of addiction. Maybe alcohol isn't really my thing. In fact there was a time you could put a six pack of beer in my refrigerator and it could sit there for a year. Marijuana is not my drug of choice but I know if I have either one it will lead to my drug of choice. Maybe not the first time I do it but eventually it will. That is just my disease at work.
Does my addiction want me dead? I truly don't know if it does or not. But I do know this, it loves to torture me.

So now that we know the diiference between a habit and an addiction they still are related by the fact of a habit can very easily become an addiction.
I also must say not all addictions are just not drug or alcohol based. People can have various types of addictions.

Shopping,Sex,Gambling,Porn, Money Video Games, Love, Internet, exercise. I could go on and on.

All of these addictions can lead to all sorts of problems  like financial, work issues, relationship issues and even social issues.

Now don't forget Addiction also will bring on those things we call feelings

Guilt, Shame,Hopelessness, Rejection, Failure, Anxiety, Fear,Despair,embarrassment, Humiliation just to name a few.

So to wrap this all up,with a habit you can have control of your choices but it becomes an addiction when you don't have controlled of your choices.