I Get By With A Little Help From my Friends

I was never a huge Beatles fan growing up. Not really sure why, but I've grown to appreciate them and what they did. I actually have really grown a huge amount of respect for Paul McCartney and how he changes the face of music everyday.
OK  now don't get all excited about the fact that I changed the one word in the title of the song. I get high with a little help from my friends has been always a favorite song of mine to listen to and perform.
Today's post is about Friends and this post is totally off the cuff no research, no rewrites, no politically correct bullshit just straight from the heart and soul.

Friends have been a huge part of my life. I'm talkin those close can't get through today without them friends. Sure you have those friends that you can see every once in while and those one good night or time memories makes you smile. Those friends you maybe did something you shouldn't have with. We have our high school and college friends that we had to talk to everyday but haven't spoken to since the day we graduated. We have those friends that we celebrated certain milestones in our life that we'll never forget but yet never make a point to call or see. Then we have those friends we partied with or those friends that could always hook you up with whatever that may be.

But I'm not talk in about those "friends".

Now if you have ever been to hell (I have) or lived a part of your life in addiction ( I have) and then a life of recovery ( I am) many things in life can and will take on new meaning. Friends are one of those things and if not the most important Friends are very high on that list for me. Growing up or childhood friends are at least for me something that have a very special part of my soul and my heart. I have one childhood friend that fits that part. Growing up we are innocent, we are kids discovering life as we know it. We are finding what we like, what we don't. We are opening our eyes to all that life has to offer. We are starting to shape the mold of the rest of our lives. I am lucky and blessed enough to have one of those friends. We talked on the phone multiple times a day. We spent every waking hour with each other. We laughed all day everyday. When a problem happened in our young lives no matter how small or how goofy those problems may seem now we did everything we could to help solve it. When they felt pain I felt pain. When I cried they cried. When they prospered I prospered. Life has gone on and things have changed. We moved, we got married, we started families, we got jobs. Even though technology has made communication easier than ever we don't talk everyday,every week or even every month but guess what that don't matter because when we do run into each other and sometimes these days its for funerals. That same childhood feeling that growing up feeling all comes back and reminds you of all those memories and lessons we learned growing up. That mold we were so busy shaping now begins to have life again and becomes stronger because you get that feeling in your soul again that tells you that they are still there for you and it tells you that you're there for them. That they still care about you like they did everyday growing up as you do them. That childhood friend of mine knows who they are and that to me is the main ingredient in having close friends throughout your life.

I've made other close friends throughout my life that have made huge impacts on my life also but I'm gonna skip a little ahead like into my years of addiction. I can think of two people that have been through it all with me. These two people stood by me no matter what they never gave up on me. They were always just a phone call away. They tried to protect me and when they saw that there was no protecting me because I was so self destructive to myself they were just a step away. When I was the most selfish unethical asshole, they shrugged it off. When I came crawling for help numerous and multiple times they were there. They tried to pick me up many times. They offered everything they had why cause we had that bond, that tie, that gorilla glue that couldn't be beat. Wow how freakin lucky can a guy be? Seriously?

So now I can skip ahead to today. Today is a new day for me a new time for me. Being in recovery shines a new light on me and dusts some of that dust off of me so I can remember that void I had placed in my soul. Maybe its because many of my new close friends have been through the same thing I have been. Most of my new friends are people I have met through recovery and if that was the only thing I ever got out of recovery I'm more than satisfied. I have met and become friends now that are exactly like my childhood friend and those two friends I spoke of who were crazy enough to stick by me. My friends today have set my soul on fire have reestablished faith in my life today. These friends are as important as the air I breathe and as valuable as all the gold I could carry. The appreciation I have for All of my friends I have today and those whom I have described from past are the reason I get up everyday.The reason I fight. The reason? I have hope. So to all of you and you know who you are.

Thank You

The Rochester Recovery Film Festival

The Rochester Recovery Film Festival

Well it is happening The First Rochester Recovery Film Festival will be happening for 3 days in September of 2014.
Volunteers are needed.
Committees are being formed if anyone is interested in putting this event together a meeting will be held tomorrow if you are interested please contact me.Thanks

The Meaning of Life or is it A Life of Meaning?

What is the meaning of life? Wow what a question.A very deep question I guess. In days past I could have made a whole 3 days of drinking and partying ( any excuse-right?)trying to figure out the answer. Now with 19 months and a couple of days I approach this question and I'm pretty sure I won't go to those extremes. At least not today.
I think in a way, all of us are searching our whole lives for this answer. Some of us never get that answer. Some of us go to extreme measures to get it. Some study great philosophers and their writings and experiments. Some people live their lives like "great men from the past. Others feel taking drugs for that out of mind out of body experience that can allow you to look at life from the outside and find that meaning. For me that usually meant getting high more often and for longer periods of time. I think I called it Research (any excuse right?). Believe it or not I never found the answer. I'm sure at times I acted like I found the answer. I probably acted like I had the answer. Hell I might have even told you the answer. I also would have told you OJ was innocent

I for many many years thought the meaning of life was in music. You could find all the answers in certain songs. The music was and still is an important part of my life but its not the meaning of life. It was a tool to get through life and still is. Music will always be my first love and I'll always be music's bitch. But the meaning of life? Nah.
Some people try to connect the meaning of life with the most simplest things. For example many people believe the number 42 is the meaning of life.

Buzz Light year's space ship is named 42. Elvis

died at age 42. The album by Pink Flyod's Album "Dark Side of the Moon" is 42 minutes long.The album Thriller and Back in Black are also 42 minutes long.

There are 42 gallons in a barrel of oil. Wimbledon used 42,000 balls last year. A Big Mac has 42% of your daily intake of salt.

So what is the meaning of life? I think its whatever you want it to be. 

Being Clean and Sober and going to College

After seeing The Anonymous People yesterday, in the documentary was a part about Teenagers that may be in Recovery and how going off to college could be a potential relapse. This makes total sense and something I have never really thought about because after all I am just a wee past my college years. I ended up doing some research on this and actually found about 20 or so different "Sober" colleges and I was surprised to find some well known colleges.
So what exactly is a "Clean and Sober College"?
Well it is exactly what it sounds like. A college where college aged students can go to learn and live in a substance free enviorment.
These colleges offer the same majors as any of the non-clean and sober colleges. It is awesome though that this offered

1. Brigham Young University, Provo,Utah'
2. Wheaton University, Wheaton,Illinois
3. College of The Ozarks, Point Lookout,MO
4. Thomas Aquinas College,Santa Paula,CA
5. US Military Academy, West Point, NY
6. Grove City College, Grove City,PA
7. Wesleyan College, Macon,GA
8. U.S. Coast Guard Academy, New London,CT
9. U.S. Naval Academy, Annapolis, MD
10. Calvin College, Grand Rapids, Mich
11. City University of New York- Brooklyn College, Brooklyn,NY
12. City University of New York- New York City College,NY,NY
13. City University of New York-Queens College,Flushing,NY
14. Mills College, Oakland,CA
15. Agnes Scott College,Atlanta,GA
16. Franklin W. Olin College of Engineering, Needham,MA
17. California Institute of Technology,Pasadena,CA
18. Simmons College,Boston,MA
19. Wellesley College,Wellesley,MA
20. Xavier College,New Orleans,LA

Big Spike in Tickets for The Rochester Premier of The Anonymous People at The Little

We had a large spike in Ticket Sales for the Rochester,NY for the premier of The Anonymous People documentary. Some press is starting to kick in and more is expected as the last great P/R push begins for our April 6,2014 3:00 pm showing. If you do not purchase tickets online the only time the The Little will be selling them is day of show, so if you don't have your tickets yet buy them now online. You may click on the link below to purchase online. If you are unable to attend please consider buying a ticket for a recovering  addict who cannot afford to see this showing. I do have list of about ten people please contact me. Otherwise thanks for your support. After the showing a Q&A will be happening in the Little Cafe. Any questions about this or anything to do with the showing please contact me.
Just to let everyone know after this event I have been asked to put on a very large recovery event. Since all details are being still worked out I cannot speak of it yet but I should be able to announce it on Sunday. The reason I mention this here is for two reasons I am going to need a large volunteer committee so I would like to mention that and if you can't make it to the showing please continue to watch for posts with announcements right here but for right now my energy is all about this showing so let's have a sellout. Thanks

gathr.us/screening/7225

Depending on When You Read This 4 or 5 Days Left

gathr.us/screening/7225

As you can see not many days left until Rochester's Premier of The Anonymous People at The Little Theater at 3:00 PM on April 6,2014. Why we are having such trouble getting press is beyond me. Yesterday many news outlets were scrambling to make sure we knew all about the unfortunate heroin overdose on a college campus here. They were First to tell us about the up rise in heroin overdoses this year in our area (mainly in suburbs). Oh yea the solution---- form a partnership with an area outpatient only facility with a president/CEO that makes such responsible comments to our misinformed media here of "No One Dies From Heroin Withdrawal, You Just Feel Like You Want To"

Really??? No ones ever died from Heroin withdrawl. Really OK with not even getting into that Mr President/CEO have you checked the statistics of Suicides during withdrawl. Really Really? I'm sure you feel outpatient is the answer to everything and detox and inpatient are a waste of healthcare dollars but is the Almighty dollar more important than maybe a few lives saved? Give me a break really. Meanwhile buy a ticket and see what a positive message of recovery can do.

Time Can Change Me But I Can't Change Time

I knew I just knew this day would come. It actually came last Friday when I was at this meeting. I've been waiting for it. You would think maybe just maybe I would be happy about it, maybe even ecstatic. I'm not. Why?  Not sure to be honest. I mean this is what I did my whole life until about nine years ago. This is what I loved to do. This is what I lived for this was my breath, my soul, my mojo right?
So what's the problem? I don't know and believe me its got me pissed off.
OK if your still with me thanks but I can't promise it will get much better at all. So you have an idea of what I am talking about I'll have to turn back the hands of time.

OK I was an entertainer, musician, singer what ever you want to call it for a huge chunk of my life about 17 years and damn I was good. I had to go through many many obstacles but that didn't mean shit to me I had one goal and that was it. I accomplished a lot of my goal to do my art full time and I accomplished that for many years. I've done things and been to places people will never have the chance to experience. I've hung with the best and have been treated the way people only could wish for and as much as that may sound egotistical I can promise you this I never ever took a minute of it for granted.
Well about 7,8 or 9 years ago I can't really remember right now I said fuck it I don't want to do this anymore. I've had enough. Why did I say that? Not really sure, maybe the drugs became more important. There was also a ton and I mean a ton of other shit going on in my life which I am not going to get into so I think it may have been a combination of everything. Anyway that was it. Yeah I burned a lot of bridges at the end and its something I've tried to repair. Some people may never get past that and even though that sucks I accept that. I will also say I helped many many peoples lives and career. I put many people's wants ahead of my own and my first wife. We sacraficed a lot and that was my own fault there were many things I should have done differently but I can't foucus on those things because those instances are out of my control there is nothing I can do about the past except for make the future better right? So like I said I've tried to make amends where I could and some people can't accept that and I understand that again and if your one of those people reading this hey I love ya and when your ready I'm here.

So since the day I said "fuck it" I've regretted it everyday since but yet everyday since I haven't been able to say " OK let's do it". I have been getting stronger everyday though and Friday after having a brief conversation with someone I had just met and even though it has been my mind rather seriously the past couple of weeks this conversation ignited a spark within me probably because he told me he was going through something and guess what. Well what he told me was exactly what I have been going through. Obviously it was awesome just to know someone was going thru the same thing. That spark was still flickering in me throughout the weekend but today I felt like I took a step backwards and it pissed me off. Im not giving up though I'll make it happen somehow someday.CH CH CH CH Changes

I Want it All

Wow that is how we are these days. Instant Gratification is that society that we live in. Does my clean time or my recovery have a shortcut to the promise land or paradise ?
Recovery is not just a straight line to follow I find there is actually 3 things I need to work on in order for Recovery to happen.
1.Physical - living the way I did for years, you can not expect to not have consequences. My medical records suddenly turned into an episode of The Walking Dead but since then I'm not a perfect picture of health but I'm nowhere near appearing on The Walking Dead.
2.Mind -  OK years of toxic thinking, having no feelings what so ever, add in a dash or two of paranoia makes a person ohh what can I call it maybe certifiable? OK maybe not that bad but not good either. With recovery  you have to only change one thing. Everything!! and its not gonna happen in one basketball season.
3.Spirit- OK did you read #'s 1 and 2 well hopefully you won't need much convincing on this one. Really being in touch with my inner self just is not going to happen overnight. But that with time gets better and a lot quicker than you'd expect.
Pain is a fact of life. It is going to happen to us all in fact if you have never experienced some type of pain at some point or points in your life well all I can say is You must be lying and should probably seek help because your one step away from.....aw forget it just seek help. Anyway you see being an addict I would need to mask that pain and guess how I did that? Being a recovering addict, I realize what that pain is whether it is something from the past or right now in the present I need to make a choice a choice I never gave myself. Do I let this pain consume me or do I learn from it and move forward? In my recovery today I learn and move forward.
Today being in recovery allows me to live life completely all the good and all bad. I can have feelings of love,excitement,happiness,fulfillment but I will no doubt have feeling of fear,doubt and pain. Instead of hiding or running away from these feelings I can now face these feelings head on. Today being a recovering addict is great because I can face life and all it has to offer the good and the bad.

The Anonymous People Only 9 Days Left

April 6,2014 3:00pm at the Little Theater,Rochester,NY

Just to keep Everyone up to Date 70 tickets have been sold as of today.We have a little more than 9 days left until the screening.Everything that has been done so far to sell tickets has been done only with social media. Why other media is not responding I haven't a clue. I have sent an email to Film Critic Jack Garner asking for some help or suggestions on getting media to respond. The email went out this afternoon and I am looking forward to his response.

The movie is getting a lot of national attention and that can only help.

I have spoken with Congresswoman Louise Slaughter's office after receiving an inquiry email and she will be attending if her schedule permits.

So lots of great things happening surrounding the screening so tell your friends, coworkers,family whoever so we can have a sold out show.

90 tickets in only 9 days so that's only 10 tickets a day.

The only time you can buy tickets at the Little will be April 6 if any are left.

gathr.us/screening/7225

OVERDOSE-Its Just Not For Celebrities Anymore

John Belushi was I think the first celebrity overdose death I had ever heard of. Did it stop me? No or obviously I probably wouldn't be writing this blog.
If I sit back and think what celebrities have died of drug overdoses I can recall many- Chris Farley,River Phoniex, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, that kid from Glee, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Heath Ledger.
Now did you know 100 other non-celebrities die each day of drug overdoses. Do the math and that's a lot of fucking people and these people are just not what society has lead us to believe black,ghetto,welfare,low income. No drug abuse hits every society, every race,every income bracket,every religion,every sexualty,every,every nationality. The disease of addiction dose not discriminate.
So up comes the question is it good or does it help society when the press makes celebrities' death by overdose front page news?
Hmm good question my answer is No. Although I guess if it does stop one person from ever picking up or it helps one person quit their addiction then yes. What I do think it brings is exposure to the disease which maybe can be a good thing. What it does to I feel is maybe promote the cause. The media makes it sexy,thrilling,a whole exciting mystery. Media never shows how the disease took over a persons life. The things people had to do for just one more.

Media never shows what the families and loved ones go through. Even worse in today's society that I never see in the press or on your nightly news is Recovery.  What Recovery does for that "Junkie" or "Drug Addict". It doesn't show how Recovery turns people into productive members of society or the fact that recovery has made relationships with family,friends and loved ones stronger than they ever have been, The service and the "pay it forward" given back to communities they live in.

Why? Well my opinion is it's not thrilling in their eyes it's not sexy enough, it's not dramatic. We will always hear about the overdose or the death caused by an overdose with celebrities that unfortunately is the society we have made but maybe if we focused on recovery and what it  has done for individuals,families, communities maybe, just maybe that number of 100 people that die each day from overdose might just be a little bit lower.

A Hard Habit to Break (God I Hate That Song)

So last night I got this email from a reader of this blog (Which I love getting by the way) and they said "What is the difference between a Habit and an Addiction?" They also proceeded to say "I might smoke pot on the weekends as a habit but in no way shape or form am I addicted." Then they said "Or am I ?"
Well let's get one thing straight first. I am not an expert on anything. I hold no degrees on anything. I am a recovering addict. Now I can give you an opinion based on my experience.
So let's start.....
First what is a Habit ?
A habit is done by choice. A person can stop a habit successfully when they make a choice to do so. When a person decides to stop there is no pshycological or physical component involved and is not an issue.

OK so what is an Addiction?
Now there is a pshycological/physical component involved.The person can not control the aspects of the addiction because of the mental or physical component involved.
Now I know 100% that I can not use any mood altering substance whether liquid or not because I have that disease of addiction. Maybe alcohol isn't really my thing. In fact there was a time you could put a six pack of beer in my refrigerator and it could sit there for a year. Marijuana is not my drug of choice but I know if I have either one it will lead to my drug of choice. Maybe not the first time I do it but eventually it will. That is just my disease at work.
Does my addiction want me dead? I truly don't know if it does or not. But I do know this, it loves to torture me.

So now that we know the diiference between a habit and an addiction they still are related by the fact of a habit can very easily become an addiction.
I also must say not all addictions are just not drug or alcohol based. People can have various types of addictions.

Shopping,Sex,Gambling,Porn, Money Video Games, Love, Internet, exercise. I could go on and on.

All of these addictions can lead to all sorts of problems  like financial, work issues, relationship issues and even social issues.

Now don't forget Addiction also will bring on those things we call feelings

Guilt, Shame,Hopelessness, Rejection, Failure, Anxiety, Fear,Despair,embarrassment, Humiliation just to name a few.

So to wrap this all up,with a habit you can have control of your choices but it becomes an addiction when you don't have controlled of your choices. 

That Smell

(This is Part III to the following "The Cats Out of The Bag-Part1 and "Help I Need Somebody-Part 2" It is recommended by the author to read Part 1 followed by Part 2 and so on and so forth But really I never listen to anybody so do what you want)

After spending a few weeks in ICU, they finally discharged me and brought me over to inpatient or as some people refer them as Treatment Centers. 
Now not all treatment centers are the same. Like everything in this world it all comes down to the almighty dollar or how good your health insurance is. There are your very lavish treatment centers where you are provided with your own private room with view of the ocean or mountainside. 500 thread count sheet in your king size bed with maid service,meals cooked to your perfection and a spa where you can get massages everyday.
I didn't have any money and had no insurance. The social worker that I spoke of in the earlier post had made arrangements to get me some financial assistant while they worked on getting me onto some type of health insurance. The accommodations were probably what bothered me the most there was this smell that just irritated me. On a cleanliness factor between 1-10 I would have given it a 4 at the most. 
Other than that I found the way treatment centers operate are basically the same.
I had a rigid schedule that started with wake up at 7a.m. and didn't stop until 10 p.m. that night. For me the main thing was the treatment center was safe I didn't have to worry about people places and things. They took your cell phone so I didn't even need to worry about the phone ringing. It was where I could actually start to get a few days of being clean. There was drama believe me  you are going to have that when you have all different walks of life and they spend all day and night together. Unless the drama affected me directly then I stayed out of it. Being on a schedule even though I may have hated it was good for me just for the reason of not being on any type of schedule for so many years.
Some of the other reasons treatment was good, is part of the road to recovery is a physical part and there I was able to take my meds on the correct schedule and I was monitored by a doctor and a physicians assistant.

I was also able to begin individual therapy and begin group discussions. Seeing that I had been isolating myself for some time I found this to be good. I was also educated on triggers that might be cause for me to relapse.
Most important was the introduction to two long term recovery 12 step programs which I practice today.

Help I Think I Need Somebody

(This Post is a continued to the Post "When The Cats Out Of The Bag" It is recommended by the author to read that post first. Thanks for visiting my blog.)

So there I am just out of a coma for I don't how long. I am strapped down to the bed so I wouldn't  rip the tube out of my throat. They take  the tube out ( not very fun). I then begin to demand they take off the straps holding me down ( poor nurses).Then I find out I got another tube going in me and the ICU Doctor is shoving a blood test  in my face and my family showing all the substances I tested positive for( so much for Hippa laws).
Cats out of the Bag right? Yes it is and to have to lay there and have to look at my family. The hospital tells me they wanted me to speak with a social worker. I normally would have put up a fight about seeing a social worker. I know this because during my active using I was extremely judgemental I would have thought I was too good to talk to a social worker.
But I was tired too damn tired I did not want to play this game any more. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I couldn't hustle the hustler in me was tired.

So I agreed to see the social worker. Doing this was the best decision I ever made and I wish to god I could have been smart enough to get her name because she was one of the people who helped save my life.
The social worker made sure all of my medical needs were being taken care of but the one thing she did do was convince me to go into a treatment facility after I got out of ICU.
Next up Inpatient

Press Release for The Anonymous People (only 7 Days Left to Tip)

Contact:David Attridge
585-713-2592
585-957-5113
Daveup247@gmail.com
Livinlifealloveragain.blogspot.com
gathr.us/screening/7225


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Film The Anonymous People highlights addiction recovery of over 23 million Americans;
Patrick Kennedy, NBA Star Chris Herren, Actress Kristen Johnston featured

Rochester,New York April 6,2014 A FEATURE FILM about the 23.5 million Americans living in long-term recovery and the emerging public recovery movement will be shown at The Little Theater on April 6,2014  The film is brought to Rochester by a new crowd-sourcing distribution service called Gathr.  Gathr’s “theatrical-on-demand” process allows movie-goers to bring the movies they want to watch to their nearby local theater with no facility rental cost and no risk.

Special event screening tickets are available now by clicking here gathr.us/screening/7225  This link connects to the movie trailer: http://www.theanonymouspeople.com.

They, and the film, question why the United States has criminalized and too often given superficial treatment to a chronic illness – addiction.  As a result, addiction now comes with an annual price tag of $350 billion.  The American approach has put most of the burden of long-term addiction treatment on anonymous, free, 12-step programs. Those programs have done a good job, but no other health problem is treated this way.

In addition, the culture of anonymity in these programs, while it has protected individuals from stigma, has also unintentionally perpetuated false perceptions of people with addiction – as the public doesn’t see how often people in their lives recover.

“This film is not your tired old addiction story often seen on reality television or in the news,” said film producer Greg Williams. “There are no needles hanging out of people’s arms, pictures of the brain, or fried eggs in a pan.  We set out to find the answer to one very fundamental question: Why don’t we treat addiction in this country like any other health issue?”

The Anonymous People also shines a light on prominent people who are not very anonymous and are living publicly as people in long-term recovery themselves: Award winning actress Kristen Johnston, former NBA star Chris Herren; Tara Conner, Miss USA 2006; former congressman Patrick Kennedy; veteran news anchor Laurie Dhue; Tom Coderre, chief of staff to Rhode Island Senate president and many others.  They have chosen to “come out” with their recovery in an effort to counter the existing public perception of other people just like them.

This film aims at transforming public discourse in much the same way that activists once decided that an honest open discussion had to take place about topics such as breast cancer, HIV/AIDS, and being gay in order to spark widespread change.

The Anonymous People is produced and directed by Greg Williams; written by Aaron Cohen, Greg Williams, Jeff Reilly, and Bud Mikhitarian; executive produced by Paul McCulley; co-executive produced by John Silverman; photographed by Craig Mikhitarian; and edited by Jeff Reilly; with an original score by Brendan Berry.

Following The showing of "The Anonymous People ", A panel of local drug addiction professionals, Representative from local treatment centers and local residents who are a living a life of recovery will be hosting  a panel Q&A for movie attendees immediately following the film.