I Want it All

Wow that is how we are these days. Instant Gratification is that society that we live in. Does my clean time or my recovery have a shortcut to the promise land or paradise ?
Recovery is not just a straight line to follow I find there is actually 3 things I need to work on in order for Recovery to happen.
1.Physical - living the way I did for years, you can not expect to not have consequences. My medical records suddenly turned into an episode of The Walking Dead but since then I'm not a perfect picture of health but I'm nowhere near appearing on The Walking Dead.
2.Mind -  OK years of toxic thinking, having no feelings what so ever, add in a dash or two of paranoia makes a person ohh what can I call it maybe certifiable? OK maybe not that bad but not good either. With recovery  you have to only change one thing. Everything!! and its not gonna happen in one basketball season.
3.Spirit- OK did you read #'s 1 and 2 well hopefully you won't need much convincing on this one. Really being in touch with my inner self just is not going to happen overnight. But that with time gets better and a lot quicker than you'd expect.
Pain is a fact of life. It is going to happen to us all in fact if you have never experienced some type of pain at some point or points in your life well all I can say is You must be lying and should probably seek help because your one step away from.....aw forget it just seek help. Anyway you see being an addict I would need to mask that pain and guess how I did that? Being a recovering addict, I realize what that pain is whether it is something from the past or right now in the present I need to make a choice a choice I never gave myself. Do I let this pain consume me or do I learn from it and move forward? In my recovery today I learn and move forward.
Today being in recovery allows me to live life completely all the good and all bad. I can have feelings of love,excitement,happiness,fulfillment but I will no doubt have feeling of fear,doubt and pain. Instead of hiding or running away from these feelings I can now face these feelings head on. Today being a recovering addict is great because I can face life and all it has to offer the good and the bad.

When The Cats Out of The Bag

When the cats out of the bag, you can look at it as "Thank God" or you can view it as  " The Shit hit the fan"in my experience it was both. I was so relieved that that huge secret was no longer a secret.
It was hard enough trying to figure out how I was gonna get the next one but add in the stress of keeping it from everybody.
So "When the Cat was out of the Bag" I was actually relieved. I was tired. I can't explain how tired I was. The guilt the shame the lies the fear. Wait did I say fear? Yes I did. This addict was scared of what would happen when everyone found out my BIG secret. The thoughts of would my family disown me? Would my non using friends shun me? Would I be treated like lepers were in biblical times. Would my girlfriend leave me? What in hell am I going to do?
This is when I felt the shit hit the fan. Now you must remember I was so self centered I felt the world revolved around me. I mean after all I may have turned the way I lived into animal like comparisons but I was the king of the jungle for the love of god.
Now I found out pretty quick my jungle was now a parking lot. When I came out of my coma I couldn't believe there wasn't a line of people going through my hospital room like a McDonald's drive through.Yeah maybe I had isolated myself from everyone for the past couple years but come on didn't the press print something? What about a spot on the evening news? Why are there no flowers in my room? No messages? No nothing? What about my dealer did he visit? What about my backups and my backups backup? Nobody? Nothing?
OK I think I need some help here? Somebody? Hello? I think I'm drowning here.

Tomorrow look for continuation of this post entitled "Help Arrives (I think).

The Last 23.5 Hours

From the first hour I walked out of inpatient, I knew life needed to and would make some major changes. I new that some days would be better than others. I knew that any day would be better than a day in active addiction. I knew that just because I put down the drug that I might pick up something besides a drug. I would replace that drug with maybe a fork, a credit card, sex, gambling you name it. I knew that seeing I had been completely emotionless that I would have to deal with feelings and emotions all over again like I was a newborn. I knew I had to be grateful for the things I took advantage of, like waking up. I knew I was empty spiritually and would have to be able to find and trust a higher power other than myself to help me through each day. I knew I had to bring new people into my life that have my best interest in mind. I new I needed to be a son, a brother,a friend that these people would be proud to have. I know all of these things and I must realize that I am not perfect and will make mistakes.I may let people down. I know I must be able to forgive and forget. I know I  must   let things go. I know I must help others because oh so many helped me. I know honesty must be part of my daily life. I know I must be open minded and take  suggestions. I must realize I don't know everything going on in other peoples lives. People may be having as just a bad or maybe even a worse day than I am having. I must also remember that some people may not make it home tonight. I must realize how lucky I am that even though I have this disease of addiction that I have been shown that it can be arrested. I also must remember that that could change in the matter of an instant. I need to be grateful.I need to know that if I have a bad day that its better than where I was. I need to remind myself of the tools I have been given oh so freely. I know that somewhere tonight someone is begging for a day of not being a slave to this disease. A day of not having their every thought their every breath be about one more.

Am I grateful? Hell yes. Did I use today? Hell no.Did today suck? More than you can imagine. So what is the solution? Use the tools I have been given. Let my Higher Power handle what I can't. Use the strengths I have built in the last 17 months. Get up tomorrow hold my breath for ten seconds. Why? Cause I can and I'm alive.

Mine is Bigger Than Yours

Lately it seems that I hear people comparing their recovery to other peoples recovery or "worrying" about other peoples recovery or predicting other peoples recovery outcome.
This annoys the shit out of me. I will get this out of the way first. Yes I am guilty of all of the above. When I do it I annoy the shit out of myself.We all do it. I guess what is bothering me about it is how people are becoming obsessed with it, letting it stop them from working on their own recovery.
Now once again I am an addict in long term recovery and yes I do live and practice a 12 step program. Yes I am passionate about my recovery and the 12 Step program it saved my life.
Now I also want to say this about my 12 Step Program. People," the program is perfect, people are not perfect."
The program that I am in saves many many lives everyday. You must live the program in order for it to work. You can't talk about the program and expect it to work. Their is no magic pill, there is no voodoo doctor, there is nothing except the program (at least for me and a few other million people out there).
My recovery is my responsibility. It is not my doctors responsibility. It is not my priests responsibility. It is not my family's responsibility. It is not the addict that just walked through the door's  responsibility and it is definitely not yours, hell it's not even any of your business unless I come to you looking for guidance or advice or just an ear to hear me vent.
Opinions are like a××××××× everybody has one. Seriously, all I feel I would be doing if I was comparing, my recovery  to someone Else's recovery is hurting my own. For those of you that have opinions on the way someone else is handling their recovery ( notice the key word here is their) well I guess I would say "who died and made you a recovery guru?" I would also stress," remember where you come from".
We are all different,some of us catch on real quick. Some of us need all sorts of proof before we do anything new. We all work at different paces. Maybe you can understand recovery real quick and maybe I can kick your ass at checkers. See where I am coming from. Oh well thanks for letting me vent or actually "buzz off it's my blog not yours" (lol).

15 Days and Counting

gathr.us/screening/7225

For those of you that have reserved tickets for The Anonymous People on April 6,2014 at The Little Theater,240 East Ave in Rochester,NY at 3pm I thank you and for those of you that haven't I ask that you do so as soon as possible. We have approximately 15 days to sell 30 tickets in order to tip.Certain costs must be made in order to have the showing. We are trying to get as much press about this as possible but I need your help. Louise Slaughter's people tell me she is interested in attending but won't be able to guarantee until approx 2 weeks from now.
The panel for after the showing is coming along great.We have addicts from 12 step programs, veteran programs,treatment centers,addiction counslers and many more.
I am very excited as others also are about this great event.
But like I said we need your help. If we can't tip we can't have the showing .Thanking you in advance.
           Dave

If Plan A fails.......

Well here it is my new blog.Now I need to start off by saying I am not writing this blog for you or to gain attention or to impress a single person. I am writing this for myself. Why you may ask? Well it's none of your business actually but if you want to know where I am in life well then you might read this every now and then. If you have an opinion go ahead post one.
OK so where do I start well I am obviously good looking and a funny guy. I grew up with a great family awesome father who passed away seven years ago and their isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him or think what would dad tell me to do? I have a beautiful mother who I am with every day and probably drives me crazy as much as I do her but she is not only my mother she is my best friend and has stuck by me no matter what I may be going through good and bad.I also have 2 sisters and 1 brother who i love dearly and I really appreciate all the family thing. So anyway the title and the picture on this post obviously tell you that plan A failed, well sort of plan A actually worked for about 30 years (well at least I thought so) let's see a little background I suppose is in order (the short version) I was a full time entertainer for many many years which I loved more than anything,did well with it, traveled a lot, met and worked with some great people,performers and dare I say fans.Let's see got married, got divorced,made a lot of money,lost a lot of money,made a lot of friends,lost a lot of friends,made a lot of connections, burned a lot of bridges, drank a lot of alcohol, drank a ton of alcohol, smoked a little weed, did a shitload of drugs. Are you getting the picture? Plan A came to a screeching halt on September 17,2012 - that was the last time I put any chemical in body not by my choice either it was actually my hearts choice which decided to stop working ,no not a heart attack what they call in the medical profession chronic heart failure or better known as CHF .So now you probably understand why it wasn't my choice it actually wasn't my choice untill I came out of a coma 4 or 5 days later ( I can't remember I was asleep) which I couldn't even say I swear I'll never do a drug ever again because I had this tube down my throat and I was strapped to the bed. Now after the tube was taken out  and I was unstrapped and I saw my whole family standing over me and a doctor with my toxicology report and a social worker asking me if I wanted to go into rehab that's when I said never again would I put a chemical into my body again you see today I'm not a rock star I'm not an entertainer, I'm not a husband, I'm not even probably a good friend today I'm a person in long term recovery actually the hell with long term I'm in life long recovery and yes I work and live a twelve step program. Say what you want about 12 step programs all I can tell you is that 12 step program has saved my life. So what have I been doing since that night on September 17, 2012 well I can say it in one word Recovering yup physically I've had to get better past two years I've ended up with a smorgous Borg of health issues from not only the abuse I put my body through but I also was in a major accident where I was hit from behind at a full stop and then tossed into the oncoming lane where I was hit head on ( and for those of you wondering no -no alcohol or drugs were involved at all.) I've had some legal issues to deal with, surgery, and of course I have had to change people,places and things. So now its time to start Plan B.
What is Plan B you ask? I don't know, for right now its taking each day and making it to tomorrow.