What Do You Want From Life?

What Do You Want From Life

The Tubes

What do you want from life?

To kidnap a heiress

Or threaten her with a knife

What do you want from life?

To get cable TV

And watch it every night

There you sit

A lump in your chair

Where do you sleep?

And what do you wear?

When your sleeping.

What do you want from life?

An Indian Guru

To show you the inner light?

What do you want from life?

A meaningless love affair

With a girl you met tonight?

How can you tell when your doin alright?

Does your bank account swell

When your dreaming at night?

How do you know when your really in love?

Do violins play

When your touching the one

That your loving

What do you want from life?

Someone to love

Or somebody you can trust

What do you want from life?

To try and be happy

And do the nasty things you must?

Well you can't have that

But if you are an American citizen, you are entitled to

A heated kidney shaped pool

A microwave oven-dont watch the food cook

A dyna gym-- I'll personally demonstrate it in the privacy of your own home

A full size titanic unsinkable molly brown waterbed with poybendum

A foolproof plan and an airtight alibi

Real simulated Indian jewelry

A Gucci shoetree

A years supply of antibiotics

A personally autographed picture of Randy Mantooth

And Bob Dylan's new unlisted phone number
A beautifully restored 3rd Reich swizzle stick
Rosemary's baby
A dream date in kneepads with Paul Williams
A new matador a new mastador
A maverick, A mustang, A montego
A merc Montclair, A mark IV, A meteor
A Mercedes, An MG, A malibu
A Mort moriarty, A Mercedes, A Mac truck
A Mazda, A new Monza or a moped
A Winnebago, hell a herd of Winnebagos we're giving them away
Or how about a McCulloch chainsaw
A las Vegas wedding
A Mexican divorce
A solid gold kama sutra coffee pot
Or a baby's arm holding an apple

Need I say more?

Trials and Tribulations

No one ever said this was going to be easy.No one ever said "Here is a magic pill, take it and your cured". Their was no guarantee. Their still is no guarantee. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and just maybe that's why I became so passionate about it because I really am fighting for my life everyday and that sucks but that is it. Do I want to make this something I have to deal with everyday for the rest of my life? Hell no. Do I have a choice? Hell no.
It kills me sometimes because people who don't have this disease or even people that can be weekend warriors and never have to worry about it taking over your entire life have no idea.Many people are absolutely clueless about the disease of addiction. That is not my concern right now or be the reason I'm once again writing about my life for anyone to see.
Me writing these posts each day actually do much more for me than anyone reading this. Maybe just maybe someone reading this might not pick up or maybe someone who is going through life with the disease of addiction can relate to something I'm going through and maybe they feel a little bit better. Now that's all and good and I hope that either one of those things can happen. But that is not my goal my goal is completely self centered.  I stay clean for myself. Not anyone else. I know that that comment can sound selfish but it is the only way this can work. It is sort of like the comment I can only be strong for someone as strong as I am myself.
Even though I know this will be a life long journey I do know each day gets a little bit easier and that makes me a little bit stronger and I am extremely lucky that I have been given the tools to make that happen and I do this through the 12 step program I practice every day.
I do get very frustrated at times though believe it or not. It is so frustrating sometimes to see people accomplishing goals that they set in life and are accomplishing them. Maybe they haven't accomplished them but they are still working towards them. These things frustrate me, not because I don't want to see them do this but because I am not able to do that right now. I need to continue to get better physically, mentally,spirituality. Could it be jealously? I'm sure in ways it is. I try not to look at it like that, I try to look at it as more of a motivation. Could I be doing more each day to get better? Probably.

I think of things like a person trying to get to the top of a mountain. Not a specific mountain just a big freaking mountain and as I do go through my trials and tribulations each day I hope to get a little bit closer to the top. Some days on my climb the weather might be foggy and I have to get through that fog to clearer sky. Sometimes it might be stormy and I need to take cover. Not everyday do I make great strides in my climb and that's OK . Some days I have to help other people in their climb. I have to watch myself because as in life there can be various pitfalls or dangers so not only must I be physically ready but mentally ready to be able to outsmart those dangers and spiritually strong to be able to ask for help or rely on something greater than myself to get me a little bit further in my climb. I also tell myself its OK if I might stumble on a root or a branch on my climb as long as I don't put myself in the bears path I'll be OK. I don't want to be king of the mountain. I don't want to claim that mountain as mine and fight anyone who also may be on "The Climb". I just want to find my little spot that I can build upon, that I can can develop,that I can protect,that I can each day reflect and be satisfied,be content and be thankful.

Life can be rough sometimes and life can be wonderful but its not just what you make out of it. To me its what your mind decides it is. Your mind can make things wonderful and your mind can screw with you something awful and sometimes you can control that and sometimes you can have no control over what your mind thinks or controls what you do. This is why I feel the best way you can have somewhat control is by having an active spirit, an active soul. The stronger your spirituality is, the more active your spirituality is. The more content, the more peaceful each day can be. The only way your spirit can be active is by having your physical body be active. I am not talking about going to the gym and working out everyday. I am talking about getting up and moving. Something that simple can be huge. Some days we just don't want to get out of bed and we don't want to face the world or deal with anyone. Imagine how we feel on those days and imagine how that little fire inside you feels. Probably just a flicker. I also find the more I am in touch with my spirituality or my soul the more I am less judging the more I am not only more in touch with myself but I can be more in touch with other people and understand people may have their own problems or issues going on in their own lives. I am going to always judge. It is inevitable our minds are trained to do that. We judge constantly everyday about many many things like people's appearances, what people are doing. I could go on and on as I am sure we all can. What I have learned though is if we can just slow down on the judging even a minimal amount. It can spread and create a huge amount of positivity. So what's the deal? I need to reread this and listen to my own advice.

Depending on When You Read This 4 or 5 Days Left

gathr.us/screening/7225

As you can see not many days left until Rochester's Premier of The Anonymous People at The Little Theater at 3:00 PM on April 6,2014. Why we are having such trouble getting press is beyond me. Yesterday many news outlets were scrambling to make sure we knew all about the unfortunate heroin overdose on a college campus here. They were First to tell us about the up rise in heroin overdoses this year in our area (mainly in suburbs). Oh yea the solution---- form a partnership with an area outpatient only facility with a president/CEO that makes such responsible comments to our misinformed media here of "No One Dies From Heroin Withdrawal, You Just Feel Like You Want To"

Really??? No ones ever died from Heroin withdrawl. Really OK with not even getting into that Mr President/CEO have you checked the statistics of Suicides during withdrawl. Really Really? I'm sure you feel outpatient is the answer to everything and detox and inpatient are a waste of healthcare dollars but is the Almighty dollar more important than maybe a few lives saved? Give me a break really. Meanwhile buy a ticket and see what a positive message of recovery can do.

The Anonymous People Only 9 Days Left

April 6,2014 3:00pm at the Little Theater,Rochester,NY

Just to keep Everyone up to Date 70 tickets have been sold as of today.We have a little more than 9 days left until the screening.Everything that has been done so far to sell tickets has been done only with social media. Why other media is not responding I haven't a clue. I have sent an email to Film Critic Jack Garner asking for some help or suggestions on getting media to respond. The email went out this afternoon and I am looking forward to his response.

The movie is getting a lot of national attention and that can only help.

I have spoken with Congresswoman Louise Slaughter's office after receiving an inquiry email and she will be attending if her schedule permits.

So lots of great things happening surrounding the screening so tell your friends, coworkers,family whoever so we can have a sold out show.

90 tickets in only 9 days so that's only 10 tickets a day.

The only time you can buy tickets at the Little will be April 6 if any are left.

gathr.us/screening/7225

We Keep What We Have by Giving it Away

These are recovery paradoxes in the 12 step program I am in. I hear these all the time and believe me in the beginning, I hated these sayings I felt everybody that used them was crazy. It really bothered me. Its like the saying "It is What It is". God I hate that saying. To me that saying is just a cop out,really it doesn't have to be that way. If you don't like the way something the way it is then put some work into it and change it. Just because someone else copped out doesn't mean you have to and even if you don't get whatever it is you want to change.  Maybe if somebody sees you try to change it  then they will try and so on and so on  and eventually it will change, even if it helps someone else. Isn't it worth trying?
OK if your still with me I really commend you. Like seriously, I'm wiped out after reading that.So any way where the hell was I ? Oh yea,
"We keep what we have by giving it away" this one is my favorite paradox. I love giving what I have learned away to people that want it.I mean, what better feeling in the world is there? To possibly change someone's life or to help someone get past a hurdle that is holding them back from greatness or personal satisfaction in their life.
Everyone has potential in there life,(OK maybe not the guy in the GEICO commercial). Everyone has good in their life.
Now if you haven't read my post on Empathy now may be the time. I actually don't believe there is a greater reward and it only strengthens now what I have.
Wow this may be my shortest post ever but I'll admit I'm even a little bit confused . Have a blessed day.

The Last 23.5 Hours

From the first hour I walked out of inpatient, I knew life needed to and would make some major changes. I new that some days would be better than others. I knew that any day would be better than a day in active addiction. I knew that just because I put down the drug that I might pick up something besides a drug. I would replace that drug with maybe a fork, a credit card, sex, gambling you name it. I knew that seeing I had been completely emotionless that I would have to deal with feelings and emotions all over again like I was a newborn. I knew I had to be grateful for the things I took advantage of, like waking up. I knew I was empty spiritually and would have to be able to find and trust a higher power other than myself to help me through each day. I knew I had to bring new people into my life that have my best interest in mind. I new I needed to be a son, a brother,a friend that these people would be proud to have. I know all of these things and I must realize that I am not perfect and will make mistakes.I may let people down. I know I must be able to forgive and forget. I know I  must   let things go. I know I must help others because oh so many helped me. I know honesty must be part of my daily life. I know I must be open minded and take  suggestions. I must realize I don't know everything going on in other peoples lives. People may be having as just a bad or maybe even a worse day than I am having. I must also remember that some people may not make it home tonight. I must realize how lucky I am that even though I have this disease of addiction that I have been shown that it can be arrested. I also must remember that that could change in the matter of an instant. I need to be grateful.I need to know that if I have a bad day that its better than where I was. I need to remind myself of the tools I have been given oh so freely. I know that somewhere tonight someone is begging for a day of not being a slave to this disease. A day of not having their every thought their every breath be about one more.

Am I grateful? Hell yes. Did I use today? Hell no.Did today suck? More than you can imagine. So what is the solution? Use the tools I have been given. Let my Higher Power handle what I can't. Use the strengths I have built in the last 17 months. Get up tomorrow hold my breath for ten seconds. Why? Cause I can and I'm alive.

Mine is Bigger Than Yours

Lately it seems that I hear people comparing their recovery to other peoples recovery or "worrying" about other peoples recovery or predicting other peoples recovery outcome.
This annoys the shit out of me. I will get this out of the way first. Yes I am guilty of all of the above. When I do it I annoy the shit out of myself.We all do it. I guess what is bothering me about it is how people are becoming obsessed with it, letting it stop them from working on their own recovery.
Now once again I am an addict in long term recovery and yes I do live and practice a 12 step program. Yes I am passionate about my recovery and the 12 Step program it saved my life.
Now I also want to say this about my 12 Step Program. People," the program is perfect, people are not perfect."
The program that I am in saves many many lives everyday. You must live the program in order for it to work. You can't talk about the program and expect it to work. Their is no magic pill, there is no voodoo doctor, there is nothing except the program (at least for me and a few other million people out there).
My recovery is my responsibility. It is not my doctors responsibility. It is not my priests responsibility. It is not my family's responsibility. It is not the addict that just walked through the door's  responsibility and it is definitely not yours, hell it's not even any of your business unless I come to you looking for guidance or advice or just an ear to hear me vent.
Opinions are like a××××××× everybody has one. Seriously, all I feel I would be doing if I was comparing, my recovery  to someone Else's recovery is hurting my own. For those of you that have opinions on the way someone else is handling their recovery ( notice the key word here is their) well I guess I would say "who died and made you a recovery guru?" I would also stress," remember where you come from".
We are all different,some of us catch on real quick. Some of us need all sorts of proof before we do anything new. We all work at different paces. Maybe you can understand recovery real quick and maybe I can kick your ass at checkers. See where I am coming from. Oh well thanks for letting me vent or actually "buzz off it's my blog not yours" (lol).

Life After Wartime

I was talking to an addict who is right now in a treatment center trying to start his life over again.One of his questions was "Is recovery fun?, The only way I know how to have fun,was to get high"
Good question I thought and at one point I thought the same thing. In the beginning getting high was fun. I had some great times that was until my disease of addiction took over,at that point it no longer was fun it became my life, ruling every decision, every move I made.
 So I must tell myself if  I am thinking I only had fun when I was getting high, I immediately must tell myself that that is my disease talking. Sometimes I don't know if my disease wants me dead or if it just likes torturing me too much.
Anyway Is recovery fun?
Recovery is and always will be about getting my life back. Recovery allows me to enjoy those things I did before my disease of addiction.Again when I was in active addiction my whole life revolved around my drug and getting that first one and the one after that or as I call it "chasing that high".
Now that I am free today, recovery allows me the freedom to live my life the way it was meant to be lived and to find that meaning and peace I have so longed for.
Now in the beginning was it easy? Absolutely not, my disease was still in high gear. I had to change people, I had to change playgrounds, I had to change almost everything because remember for close to a decade all that mattered was getting one more.
Once that obsessive and that compulsion started to be lifted and I started to have some control and I didn't use "no matter what" I began to feel that I was beginning to experience my life for the very first time. When I felt this I took complete advantage of these feelings as they made me stronger.
Seeing I am in a 12 step program I began to meet new people who had my best interest in my mind and who did not use. Some of these relationships mean more to me than any relationships I have ever had and still are some of the strongest bonds I have today. I also must say the people I hang with today provide me with enough entertainment (Only kidding lol).
The process of one addict helping another addict is so important in this addicts life.
In the past 17 months and so many days, I have done so many things I have always wanted to do and my social calendar can be very busy some weeks. In fact I have found myself needing to make some "work on me time". I also have found myself spending more time than I ever have with my family which is evidence of some of the stronger bonds made because of my recovery.
Seeing entertainment is a huge chunk of my life I have attended more concerts, plays,and sporting events than I ever have.
In recovery I have been able to look at and approach things in life much differently than I ever have before and because of that my outlook, my experiences have all become so enriched and pleasurable. I wake up everyday with excitement to see what that day will bring me.
Appreciation is something that has been absent in my life for years maybe decades. Cultures,people,history,and all the the finer things in life are now things I am starting to experience. The one thing I notice the most today is my respect for people and all the different events that happen in my life today.
 Life is not perfect. Life still brings many challenges but I am learning how to face these challenges with out using any chemicals as the answer or as a way to run from those issues. I also find that I am open to taking suggestions instead of thinking I always have the right answer.
So is recovery fun? The answer is Hell Yes and when some days aren't as good as others I look at as it is a hell of a lot better than the life I was living just 18 months ago.

If Plan A fails.......

Well here it is my new blog.Now I need to start off by saying I am not writing this blog for you or to gain attention or to impress a single person. I am writing this for myself. Why you may ask? Well it's none of your business actually but if you want to know where I am in life well then you might read this every now and then. If you have an opinion go ahead post one.
OK so where do I start well I am obviously good looking and a funny guy. I grew up with a great family awesome father who passed away seven years ago and their isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him or think what would dad tell me to do? I have a beautiful mother who I am with every day and probably drives me crazy as much as I do her but she is not only my mother she is my best friend and has stuck by me no matter what I may be going through good and bad.I also have 2 sisters and 1 brother who i love dearly and I really appreciate all the family thing. So anyway the title and the picture on this post obviously tell you that plan A failed, well sort of plan A actually worked for about 30 years (well at least I thought so) let's see a little background I suppose is in order (the short version) I was a full time entertainer for many many years which I loved more than anything,did well with it, traveled a lot, met and worked with some great people,performers and dare I say fans.Let's see got married, got divorced,made a lot of money,lost a lot of money,made a lot of friends,lost a lot of friends,made a lot of connections, burned a lot of bridges, drank a lot of alcohol, drank a ton of alcohol, smoked a little weed, did a shitload of drugs. Are you getting the picture? Plan A came to a screeching halt on September 17,2012 - that was the last time I put any chemical in body not by my choice either it was actually my hearts choice which decided to stop working ,no not a heart attack what they call in the medical profession chronic heart failure or better known as CHF .So now you probably understand why it wasn't my choice it actually wasn't my choice untill I came out of a coma 4 or 5 days later ( I can't remember I was asleep) which I couldn't even say I swear I'll never do a drug ever again because I had this tube down my throat and I was strapped to the bed. Now after the tube was taken out  and I was unstrapped and I saw my whole family standing over me and a doctor with my toxicology report and a social worker asking me if I wanted to go into rehab that's when I said never again would I put a chemical into my body again you see today I'm not a rock star I'm not an entertainer, I'm not a husband, I'm not even probably a good friend today I'm a person in long term recovery actually the hell with long term I'm in life long recovery and yes I work and live a twelve step program. Say what you want about 12 step programs all I can tell you is that 12 step program has saved my life. So what have I been doing since that night on September 17, 2012 well I can say it in one word Recovering yup physically I've had to get better past two years I've ended up with a smorgous Borg of health issues from not only the abuse I put my body through but I also was in a major accident where I was hit from behind at a full stop and then tossed into the oncoming lane where I was hit head on ( and for those of you wondering no -no alcohol or drugs were involved at all.) I've had some legal issues to deal with, surgery, and of course I have had to change people,places and things. So now its time to start Plan B.
What is Plan B you ask? I don't know, for right now its taking each day and making it to tomorrow.