ADDICT

ADDICT

What do we think of when we hear that word?

What do we imagine when we hear that word?

I can't imagine any of your answers or thoughts were very good.

Why would they? Addict has been a dark and vile word for decades.  7 decades ago when the word became let's say a household word, it was even then, a word you didn't want to be labeled with.

No doubt I've heard throughout my short time in recovery people say " I'm Proud to be an Addict" but that is always in a room full of other Addicts or at least where the Addicts out number the "Normal People".

So why do we continue to down the Addict ? Why do we treat Addicts and Addiction like we did lepers and leprosy in Biblical times. 

Is it the " Choice" myth? "Addiction is a choice" or "People choose to be Addicts". Really is this where our society, with all its high tech, with all the new inventions, with the world wide web has gone?

Addiction is a DISEASE. Like it or not. 23.5 million Americans are Addicts. Many many are in long term recovery.

I can guarantee you none of them grew up hoping to be an Addict. None of them grew up thinking I can't wait to steal from my loved ones or hoping their true love would end up with a needle in their arm or a crack pipe in their mouth. I'm also very positive none of them wanted to work the full time job of being an Addict, where you never have a day off, you work at least as much overtime. There are no benefits, There are no holidays, there are no vacations, there are no perks, no encouragement, no pat on the back, no letter of recommendation. Yup that's what I told my mom and dad that I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

Cancer isn't a dark and vile word. Cancer is a disease. No one grows up hoping to get prostrate cancer or breast cancer. 

When people hear the word cancer they might get sad or very upset because a loved one or someone they know or maybe don't even know has the disease. That feeling soon turns into anger or rage and we want to do everything to destroy it or arrest it.

Let's just go back a few decades Aids in the 1980's was a dirty word. Famous musician, actors, actresses and the press totally turned that around and changed public perception of this horrible disease. Today there are 1.3 million Americans living their lives with this disease. People being made aware of what the disease of HIV is and being made aware of the prevention and treatment needed to combat this disease has been part of the turnaround with public opinion and success of HIV in the past 25 years.
Addict in 2014 is still a dirty word. Addiction is still something we don't talk about. Addiction continues to be swept under the rug. The effects on society from addiction are astounding but yet.Wait I can't talk about it.

The Last 23.5 Hours

From the first hour I walked out of inpatient, I knew life needed to and would make some major changes. I new that some days would be better than others. I knew that any day would be better than a day in active addiction. I knew that just because I put down the drug that I might pick up something besides a drug. I would replace that drug with maybe a fork, a credit card, sex, gambling you name it. I knew that seeing I had been completely emotionless that I would have to deal with feelings and emotions all over again like I was a newborn. I knew I had to be grateful for the things I took advantage of, like waking up. I knew I was empty spiritually and would have to be able to find and trust a higher power other than myself to help me through each day. I knew I had to bring new people into my life that have my best interest in mind. I new I needed to be a son, a brother,a friend that these people would be proud to have. I know all of these things and I must realize that I am not perfect and will make mistakes.I may let people down. I know I must be able to forgive and forget. I know I  must   let things go. I know I must help others because oh so many helped me. I know honesty must be part of my daily life. I know I must be open minded and take  suggestions. I must realize I don't know everything going on in other peoples lives. People may be having as just a bad or maybe even a worse day than I am having. I must also remember that some people may not make it home tonight. I must realize how lucky I am that even though I have this disease of addiction that I have been shown that it can be arrested. I also must remember that that could change in the matter of an instant. I need to be grateful.I need to know that if I have a bad day that its better than where I was. I need to remind myself of the tools I have been given oh so freely. I know that somewhere tonight someone is begging for a day of not being a slave to this disease. A day of not having their every thought their every breath be about one more.

Am I grateful? Hell yes. Did I use today? Hell no.Did today suck? More than you can imagine. So what is the solution? Use the tools I have been given. Let my Higher Power handle what I can't. Use the strengths I have built in the last 17 months. Get up tomorrow hold my breath for ten seconds. Why? Cause I can and I'm alive.

Mine is Bigger Than Yours

Lately it seems that I hear people comparing their recovery to other peoples recovery or "worrying" about other peoples recovery or predicting other peoples recovery outcome.
This annoys the shit out of me. I will get this out of the way first. Yes I am guilty of all of the above. When I do it I annoy the shit out of myself.We all do it. I guess what is bothering me about it is how people are becoming obsessed with it, letting it stop them from working on their own recovery.
Now once again I am an addict in long term recovery and yes I do live and practice a 12 step program. Yes I am passionate about my recovery and the 12 Step program it saved my life.
Now I also want to say this about my 12 Step Program. People," the program is perfect, people are not perfect."
The program that I am in saves many many lives everyday. You must live the program in order for it to work. You can't talk about the program and expect it to work. Their is no magic pill, there is no voodoo doctor, there is nothing except the program (at least for me and a few other million people out there).
My recovery is my responsibility. It is not my doctors responsibility. It is not my priests responsibility. It is not my family's responsibility. It is not the addict that just walked through the door's  responsibility and it is definitely not yours, hell it's not even any of your business unless I come to you looking for guidance or advice or just an ear to hear me vent.
Opinions are like a××××××× everybody has one. Seriously, all I feel I would be doing if I was comparing, my recovery  to someone Else's recovery is hurting my own. For those of you that have opinions on the way someone else is handling their recovery ( notice the key word here is their) well I guess I would say "who died and made you a recovery guru?" I would also stress," remember where you come from".
We are all different,some of us catch on real quick. Some of us need all sorts of proof before we do anything new. We all work at different paces. Maybe you can understand recovery real quick and maybe I can kick your ass at checkers. See where I am coming from. Oh well thanks for letting me vent or actually "buzz off it's my blog not yours" (lol).

Life After Wartime

I was talking to an addict who is right now in a treatment center trying to start his life over again.One of his questions was "Is recovery fun?, The only way I know how to have fun,was to get high"
Good question I thought and at one point I thought the same thing. In the beginning getting high was fun. I had some great times that was until my disease of addiction took over,at that point it no longer was fun it became my life, ruling every decision, every move I made.
 So I must tell myself if  I am thinking I only had fun when I was getting high, I immediately must tell myself that that is my disease talking. Sometimes I don't know if my disease wants me dead or if it just likes torturing me too much.
Anyway Is recovery fun?
Recovery is and always will be about getting my life back. Recovery allows me to enjoy those things I did before my disease of addiction.Again when I was in active addiction my whole life revolved around my drug and getting that first one and the one after that or as I call it "chasing that high".
Now that I am free today, recovery allows me the freedom to live my life the way it was meant to be lived and to find that meaning and peace I have so longed for.
Now in the beginning was it easy? Absolutely not, my disease was still in high gear. I had to change people, I had to change playgrounds, I had to change almost everything because remember for close to a decade all that mattered was getting one more.
Once that obsessive and that compulsion started to be lifted and I started to have some control and I didn't use "no matter what" I began to feel that I was beginning to experience my life for the very first time. When I felt this I took complete advantage of these feelings as they made me stronger.
Seeing I am in a 12 step program I began to meet new people who had my best interest in my mind and who did not use. Some of these relationships mean more to me than any relationships I have ever had and still are some of the strongest bonds I have today. I also must say the people I hang with today provide me with enough entertainment (Only kidding lol).
The process of one addict helping another addict is so important in this addicts life.
In the past 17 months and so many days, I have done so many things I have always wanted to do and my social calendar can be very busy some weeks. In fact I have found myself needing to make some "work on me time". I also have found myself spending more time than I ever have with my family which is evidence of some of the stronger bonds made because of my recovery.
Seeing entertainment is a huge chunk of my life I have attended more concerts, plays,and sporting events than I ever have.
In recovery I have been able to look at and approach things in life much differently than I ever have before and because of that my outlook, my experiences have all become so enriched and pleasurable. I wake up everyday with excitement to see what that day will bring me.
Appreciation is something that has been absent in my life for years maybe decades. Cultures,people,history,and all the the finer things in life are now things I am starting to experience. The one thing I notice the most today is my respect for people and all the different events that happen in my life today.
 Life is not perfect. Life still brings many challenges but I am learning how to face these challenges with out using any chemicals as the answer or as a way to run from those issues. I also find that I am open to taking suggestions instead of thinking I always have the right answer.
So is recovery fun? The answer is Hell Yes and when some days aren't as good as others I look at as it is a hell of a lot better than the life I was living just 18 months ago.