Medical and Recovery

When i first got out into recovery, one of the first things i was told was that physical was a big thing when you come back from the war. They were right i had a grocery list of health problems and better health would help in my recovery.
I can say today 628 days later my grocery list is cut down to a convenient store list.

The  best thing i did though was I told my doctor  that i was in recovery. I asked him how he felt about that? I asked him if he had  ever treated an addict before. We decided after speaking a couple times that i should switch my primary care doctor. There were no hard feelings there was no yelling screaming  or any of those scenarios that we create in our heads. In fact after meeting with a specialist doctor i have had for many years he made a suggestion that i check out a doctor that he recommended.
I took that suggestion and i am so happy i did. My new primary doctor is the best. He stays on top of all of my health issues. He hooked me up with other specialist doctors who have recovering addicts  as patients.
Suddenly my health care has been a great experience. I don't dread going to my appointments anymore. As with my recovery, my health issues show progress. Add all this together i now care about my health. I want to get healthy.
Yes i have my issues with my health like smoking , losing weight etc etc and those i am getting to  i mean Rome wasn't built in a day.
So my advice to not only recovering addicts but anyone who feels like you progressing in your health, talk to your doctor or doctors. Communicate it might just be the best thing to help you get started.

It's Summer!!!!!

So I was reading Leah Miranda's post Top 10 Sober Summer Activities (#sobersummer). I was inspired to do my top 10 list ( Thanks Leah!!!). Now I must admit summer has been on my mind for ohhhh let's see since December 26 and I have been mentally putting the list together. Now are these total sober or clean events - No not by any stretch of the imagination but as long as I stay clean and sober. So I would suggest if your not sure if you can handle the surroundings don't put yourself in those surrounding's. Now I'm not saying I went and hung out in drug houses and bars last summer. In fact last summer was the first "clean" summer I had in decades but last summer was filled with anxiety and panic attacks too and I did attend some events that sold alcohol or had people getting high. I ended up going to the local jazz fest here twice last summer once to see Dr.John and once to see my all time fav Delbert McClinton but I went with a huge sober support who would have broken my arms if I tried anything ( Thanks Sean). I also went to see Steve Winwood, The Allman Brothers and Styx. Again I went with another supporter and left when I wanted to. Some may argue that that wasn't a smart for me so early but it worked. So anyway back to my Summer of 2015 list of things I plan on accomplishing.

1. Bonfires
OK I agree the above picture looks more like a California wildfire or a meteor landing but last summer I did some bonfires and for some reason they were so cool. I really can't tell you why.I mean all we did was try not to get eaten alive by insects and just shoot the shit but still it was relaxing and I was hanging with good friends and that was perfect for me. So more bonfires this summer I say.

2. ADK
OK not making a trip to the Adirondacks wouldn't make my summer  complete its something I have done since I was little and even though I missed many years because I was off doing something else. I went last year and spent the week with my niece and had an awesome time. So why not do it again. Something about that "peaceful easy feeling", breakfast at "Good Times", Ice Cream at "Northern Lights " fireworks on the dock. No cell, no internet, no TV.

3. Read a Book

It had been years since I had read a book. It had been years since I had learned anything. Last summer I decided to read a book but just not any book a book that would take some time to read. A book that I could learn from. A book I would enjoy. So I looked and looked and funny thing was the book was right in front of me the entire time. Heck the book is probably close to you. I picked The Bible. Now I was brought up catholic. Catholic elementary school, Catholic High School ( until I was asked to leave). But I had never opened up a Bible. Now while I was running in active addiction any thought of a higher power just did not exist except of course for my 911 higher power. So now being clean I was trying to find my spirituality my higher power. So if I'm gonna reconnect why not read the book. So I read the Old Testament last summer. I learned so much and it got me to reconnect with my higher power. Now this summer I will read the New Testament.

4. Grilling
There is nothing like the taste of a huge burger with the juice dripping off of it,all the condiments overflowing onto a hard bun. Or the perfect taste of a tender steak with grilled corn on the cob and the unbelievable taste popping salt potatoes. Now if you were at any of the parties I was at last summer you know I can't grill for shit but I do love to eat and I do look good in an apron.

5. North Wildwood, NJ,
I miss North Wildwood so much. I lived there when I was in my late teens and I had some of the best summers ever. I lived in a 2nd floor shack by the ocean and I guarantee there is nothing like it. The ocean air, the unbelieveable seafood, stress less and beautiful plus I got a friend who has never been to the ocean who am I to deny that to them. Sounds like a road trip !!!!

6. Cigars
 To me the pleasure of after a hard day of work going out on the back deck and smoking a couple of cigars with a few buddies and the conversation starts flowing. Politics anyone?

7.Hometown Festivals
At least in the town I currently live in from about May to September There seems  to be a festival every night of the week. The International Jazz Fest, Corn Hill Arts Festival, Park Ave Fest, Clothes Line Fest. I could go on and on. Grab a Red Oiser ( great roast beef sandwich). Plus I love to people watch so I will definitely be hitting some of those.

8.Block Island,Rhode Island
This place is a hidden jewel. Block Island is like the Hamptons for the middle class. The way to get there is to take a ferry from Point Judith,NY you can bring your car on the ferry if you want but I suggest leave the car and rent a moped or bicycle to go around the island. Lighthouses are a stop you want to see. All the restaurants are top notch. Yes there are touristy shops and all that but it doesn't look or even feel like it. The beaches seem like they never end and the locals are the nicest people you'll ever meet.The island actually has that old southern look and attitude. I love going here. A three day stay is ideal for me and really gives me that chance to suck it all in.

9. Do Something for Someone
Whether you volunteer or contribute to a cause  that is awesome but try doing something nice for someone in your family or someone who is a person who does for others all the time but its rare

they are recognized. I am actually taking my 82 year old mother to go see Kieth Urban in July. I am not a fan of country music and to be honest I have never even heard a Kieth Urban song. But hey my mom has a crush on Kieth Urban and thats OK with me so were going to go to the show.

10.Stay Clean

This actually will be the most important thing I will do all summer. I must keep my program active,attend my meetings and do my service work. With keeping true to staying clean how can I not have a great summer.

What Do You Want From Life?

What Do You Want From Life

The Tubes

What do you want from life?

To kidnap a heiress

Or threaten her with a knife

What do you want from life?

To get cable TV

And watch it every night

There you sit

A lump in your chair

Where do you sleep?

And what do you wear?

When your sleeping.

What do you want from life?

An Indian Guru

To show you the inner light?

What do you want from life?

A meaningless love affair

With a girl you met tonight?

How can you tell when your doin alright?

Does your bank account swell

When your dreaming at night?

How do you know when your really in love?

Do violins play

When your touching the one

That your loving

What do you want from life?

Someone to love

Or somebody you can trust

What do you want from life?

To try and be happy

And do the nasty things you must?

Well you can't have that

But if you are an American citizen, you are entitled to

A heated kidney shaped pool

A microwave oven-dont watch the food cook

A dyna gym-- I'll personally demonstrate it in the privacy of your own home

A full size titanic unsinkable molly brown waterbed with poybendum

A foolproof plan and an airtight alibi

Real simulated Indian jewelry

A Gucci shoetree

A years supply of antibiotics

A personally autographed picture of Randy Mantooth

And Bob Dylan's new unlisted phone number
A beautifully restored 3rd Reich swizzle stick
Rosemary's baby
A dream date in kneepads with Paul Williams
A new matador a new mastador
A maverick, A mustang, A montego
A merc Montclair, A mark IV, A meteor
A Mercedes, An MG, A malibu
A Mort moriarty, A Mercedes, A Mac truck
A Mazda, A new Monza or a moped
A Winnebago, hell a herd of Winnebagos we're giving them away
Or how about a McCulloch chainsaw
A las Vegas wedding
A Mexican divorce
A solid gold kama sutra coffee pot
Or a baby's arm holding an apple

Need I say more?

That Burning Desire

Anybody can quit drugs. People do it all the time.Everyday hundreds probably thousands of people quit doing drugs. Having that burning desire to quit is great but let me tell you a secret. Staying off drugs is where the success lies.
I found the first 6 months to be the toughest. It seemed that not only every day did I not only have that burning desire to use,but I used to have that burning desire every hour it seemed, sometimes every five minutes and believe me it sucked and if you've ever kicked the shit you know exactly what I'm talking about.
So I've mentioned two different desires. The burning desire to quit and The burning desire to use.
Now I actually didn't have the Burning Desire to quit in the beginning . I basically was OK with using.Sure I knew things were getting out of hand but hey I always got away or out of everything so I figured I got this no problem.

Well let me tell you where that wonderful thinking got me.

 OK I wasn't kidnapped by 7 dwarfs ( Although there was this one night in Mexico where I woke up with a donkey,2 midgets , a gorgeous little Latina and chocolate sprinkles all over my boxer shorts - don't ask) but it got me dead. Litterly I mean dead like the ticker stopped ticking. The heart stopped pounding. My savior was a nurse a 21 year old nurse actually. This nurse came in to do one of those medication wake ups at four in the morning and saw that I was, well to be blunt - dead. After going into a coma for a while and then 3 fun filled weeks  in the ICU I was able to have that burning desire to stop using. Scary uh?

Hell now did I not only have a burning desire to quit. I had a burning desire to live. So I told myself, self, your desire to quit using had to be as big as your desire to live. So that desire is what pushes me each day but  yet the desire to use is still there, maybe not every day but it is still there right around the corner. Ready, waiting, tempting,calling,pushing, doing whatever it can to get me to get one more and that's when the desire can can turn unbearable, lighting my addiction on fire because it knows if it gets me to get one more there will be a thousand more at least. So what do I do? Well I know that each day I don't use I get stronger so I can use all the tools I have learned from that 12 step program I practice. One of those tools I've learned is to share. When I get that burning desire to use I can get my ass to a meeting and share that desire with another addict(s). Thank God for that program uh?

So desire is a funny little fucker who has many meanings. Desire can be a life saver or it can be a life ender. Be Strong.

#addictionrecovery

#livinglifealloveragain

#drugabuse

#superdave

I Get By With A Little Help From my Friends

I was never a huge Beatles fan growing up. Not really sure why, but I've grown to appreciate them and what they did. I actually have really grown a huge amount of respect for Paul McCartney and how he changes the face of music everyday.
OK  now don't get all excited about the fact that I changed the one word in the title of the song. I get high with a little help from my friends has been always a favorite song of mine to listen to and perform.
Today's post is about Friends and this post is totally off the cuff no research, no rewrites, no politically correct bullshit just straight from the heart and soul.

Friends have been a huge part of my life. I'm talkin those close can't get through today without them friends. Sure you have those friends that you can see every once in while and those one good night or time memories makes you smile. Those friends you maybe did something you shouldn't have with. We have our high school and college friends that we had to talk to everyday but haven't spoken to since the day we graduated. We have those friends that we celebrated certain milestones in our life that we'll never forget but yet never make a point to call or see. Then we have those friends we partied with or those friends that could always hook you up with whatever that may be.

But I'm not talk in about those "friends".

Now if you have ever been to hell (I have) or lived a part of your life in addiction ( I have) and then a life of recovery ( I am) many things in life can and will take on new meaning. Friends are one of those things and if not the most important Friends are very high on that list for me. Growing up or childhood friends are at least for me something that have a very special part of my soul and my heart. I have one childhood friend that fits that part. Growing up we are innocent, we are kids discovering life as we know it. We are finding what we like, what we don't. We are opening our eyes to all that life has to offer. We are starting to shape the mold of the rest of our lives. I am lucky and blessed enough to have one of those friends. We talked on the phone multiple times a day. We spent every waking hour with each other. We laughed all day everyday. When a problem happened in our young lives no matter how small or how goofy those problems may seem now we did everything we could to help solve it. When they felt pain I felt pain. When I cried they cried. When they prospered I prospered. Life has gone on and things have changed. We moved, we got married, we started families, we got jobs. Even though technology has made communication easier than ever we don't talk everyday,every week or even every month but guess what that don't matter because when we do run into each other and sometimes these days its for funerals. That same childhood feeling that growing up feeling all comes back and reminds you of all those memories and lessons we learned growing up. That mold we were so busy shaping now begins to have life again and becomes stronger because you get that feeling in your soul again that tells you that they are still there for you and it tells you that you're there for them. That they still care about you like they did everyday growing up as you do them. That childhood friend of mine knows who they are and that to me is the main ingredient in having close friends throughout your life.

I've made other close friends throughout my life that have made huge impacts on my life also but I'm gonna skip a little ahead like into my years of addiction. I can think of two people that have been through it all with me. These two people stood by me no matter what they never gave up on me. They were always just a phone call away. They tried to protect me and when they saw that there was no protecting me because I was so self destructive to myself they were just a step away. When I was the most selfish unethical asshole, they shrugged it off. When I came crawling for help numerous and multiple times they were there. They tried to pick me up many times. They offered everything they had why cause we had that bond, that tie, that gorilla glue that couldn't be beat. Wow how freakin lucky can a guy be? Seriously?

So now I can skip ahead to today. Today is a new day for me a new time for me. Being in recovery shines a new light on me and dusts some of that dust off of me so I can remember that void I had placed in my soul. Maybe its because many of my new close friends have been through the same thing I have been. Most of my new friends are people I have met through recovery and if that was the only thing I ever got out of recovery I'm more than satisfied. I have met and become friends now that are exactly like my childhood friend and those two friends I spoke of who were crazy enough to stick by me. My friends today have set my soul on fire have reestablished faith in my life today. These friends are as important as the air I breathe and as valuable as all the gold I could carry. The appreciation I have for All of my friends I have today and those whom I have described from past are the reason I get up everyday.The reason I fight. The reason? I have hope. So to all of you and you know who you are.

Thank You

The Rochester Recovery Film Festival

The Rochester Recovery Film Festival

Well it is happening The First Rochester Recovery Film Festival will be happening for 3 days in September of 2014.
Volunteers are needed.
Committees are being formed if anyone is interested in putting this event together a meeting will be held tomorrow if you are interested please contact me.Thanks

Being Clean and Sober and going to College

After seeing The Anonymous People yesterday, in the documentary was a part about Teenagers that may be in Recovery and how going off to college could be a potential relapse. This makes total sense and something I have never really thought about because after all I am just a wee past my college years. I ended up doing some research on this and actually found about 20 or so different "Sober" colleges and I was surprised to find some well known colleges.
So what exactly is a "Clean and Sober College"?
Well it is exactly what it sounds like. A college where college aged students can go to learn and live in a substance free enviorment.
These colleges offer the same majors as any of the non-clean and sober colleges. It is awesome though that this offered

1. Brigham Young University, Provo,Utah'
2. Wheaton University, Wheaton,Illinois
3. College of The Ozarks, Point Lookout,MO
4. Thomas Aquinas College,Santa Paula,CA
5. US Military Academy, West Point, NY
6. Grove City College, Grove City,PA
7. Wesleyan College, Macon,GA
8. U.S. Coast Guard Academy, New London,CT
9. U.S. Naval Academy, Annapolis, MD
10. Calvin College, Grand Rapids, Mich
11. City University of New York- Brooklyn College, Brooklyn,NY
12. City University of New York- New York City College,NY,NY
13. City University of New York-Queens College,Flushing,NY
14. Mills College, Oakland,CA
15. Agnes Scott College,Atlanta,GA
16. Franklin W. Olin College of Engineering, Needham,MA
17. California Institute of Technology,Pasadena,CA
18. Simmons College,Boston,MA
19. Wellesley College,Wellesley,MA
20. Xavier College,New Orleans,LA

Trials and Tribulations

No one ever said this was going to be easy.No one ever said "Here is a magic pill, take it and your cured". Their was no guarantee. Their still is no guarantee. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and just maybe that's why I became so passionate about it because I really am fighting for my life everyday and that sucks but that is it. Do I want to make this something I have to deal with everyday for the rest of my life? Hell no. Do I have a choice? Hell no.
It kills me sometimes because people who don't have this disease or even people that can be weekend warriors and never have to worry about it taking over your entire life have no idea.Many people are absolutely clueless about the disease of addiction. That is not my concern right now or be the reason I'm once again writing about my life for anyone to see.
Me writing these posts each day actually do much more for me than anyone reading this. Maybe just maybe someone reading this might not pick up or maybe someone who is going through life with the disease of addiction can relate to something I'm going through and maybe they feel a little bit better. Now that's all and good and I hope that either one of those things can happen. But that is not my goal my goal is completely self centered.  I stay clean for myself. Not anyone else. I know that that comment can sound selfish but it is the only way this can work. It is sort of like the comment I can only be strong for someone as strong as I am myself.
Even though I know this will be a life long journey I do know each day gets a little bit easier and that makes me a little bit stronger and I am extremely lucky that I have been given the tools to make that happen and I do this through the 12 step program I practice every day.
I do get very frustrated at times though believe it or not. It is so frustrating sometimes to see people accomplishing goals that they set in life and are accomplishing them. Maybe they haven't accomplished them but they are still working towards them. These things frustrate me, not because I don't want to see them do this but because I am not able to do that right now. I need to continue to get better physically, mentally,spirituality. Could it be jealously? I'm sure in ways it is. I try not to look at it like that, I try to look at it as more of a motivation. Could I be doing more each day to get better? Probably.

I think of things like a person trying to get to the top of a mountain. Not a specific mountain just a big freaking mountain and as I do go through my trials and tribulations each day I hope to get a little bit closer to the top. Some days on my climb the weather might be foggy and I have to get through that fog to clearer sky. Sometimes it might be stormy and I need to take cover. Not everyday do I make great strides in my climb and that's OK . Some days I have to help other people in their climb. I have to watch myself because as in life there can be various pitfalls or dangers so not only must I be physically ready but mentally ready to be able to outsmart those dangers and spiritually strong to be able to ask for help or rely on something greater than myself to get me a little bit further in my climb. I also tell myself its OK if I might stumble on a root or a branch on my climb as long as I don't put myself in the bears path I'll be OK. I don't want to be king of the mountain. I don't want to claim that mountain as mine and fight anyone who also may be on "The Climb". I just want to find my little spot that I can build upon, that I can can develop,that I can protect,that I can each day reflect and be satisfied,be content and be thankful.

Life can be rough sometimes and life can be wonderful but its not just what you make out of it. To me its what your mind decides it is. Your mind can make things wonderful and your mind can screw with you something awful and sometimes you can control that and sometimes you can have no control over what your mind thinks or controls what you do. This is why I feel the best way you can have somewhat control is by having an active spirit, an active soul. The stronger your spirituality is, the more active your spirituality is. The more content, the more peaceful each day can be. The only way your spirit can be active is by having your physical body be active. I am not talking about going to the gym and working out everyday. I am talking about getting up and moving. Something that simple can be huge. Some days we just don't want to get out of bed and we don't want to face the world or deal with anyone. Imagine how we feel on those days and imagine how that little fire inside you feels. Probably just a flicker. I also find the more I am in touch with my spirituality or my soul the more I am less judging the more I am not only more in touch with myself but I can be more in touch with other people and understand people may have their own problems or issues going on in their own lives. I am going to always judge. It is inevitable our minds are trained to do that. We judge constantly everyday about many many things like people's appearances, what people are doing. I could go on and on as I am sure we all can. What I have learned though is if we can just slow down on the judging even a minimal amount. It can spread and create a huge amount of positivity. So what's the deal? I need to reread this and listen to my own advice.

Big Spike in Tickets for The Rochester Premier of The Anonymous People at The Little

We had a large spike in Ticket Sales for the Rochester,NY for the premier of The Anonymous People documentary. Some press is starting to kick in and more is expected as the last great P/R push begins for our April 6,2014 3:00 pm showing. If you do not purchase tickets online the only time the The Little will be selling them is day of show, so if you don't have your tickets yet buy them now online. You may click on the link below to purchase online. If you are unable to attend please consider buying a ticket for a recovering  addict who cannot afford to see this showing. I do have list of about ten people please contact me. Otherwise thanks for your support. After the showing a Q&A will be happening in the Little Cafe. Any questions about this or anything to do with the showing please contact me.
Just to let everyone know after this event I have been asked to put on a very large recovery event. Since all details are being still worked out I cannot speak of it yet but I should be able to announce it on Sunday. The reason I mention this here is for two reasons I am going to need a large volunteer committee so I would like to mention that and if you can't make it to the showing please continue to watch for posts with announcements right here but for right now my energy is all about this showing so let's have a sellout. Thanks

gathr.us/screening/7225

Depending on When You Read This 4 or 5 Days Left

gathr.us/screening/7225

As you can see not many days left until Rochester's Premier of The Anonymous People at The Little Theater at 3:00 PM on April 6,2014. Why we are having such trouble getting press is beyond me. Yesterday many news outlets were scrambling to make sure we knew all about the unfortunate heroin overdose on a college campus here. They were First to tell us about the up rise in heroin overdoses this year in our area (mainly in suburbs). Oh yea the solution---- form a partnership with an area outpatient only facility with a president/CEO that makes such responsible comments to our misinformed media here of "No One Dies From Heroin Withdrawal, You Just Feel Like You Want To"

Really??? No ones ever died from Heroin withdrawl. Really OK with not even getting into that Mr President/CEO have you checked the statistics of Suicides during withdrawl. Really Really? I'm sure you feel outpatient is the answer to everything and detox and inpatient are a waste of healthcare dollars but is the Almighty dollar more important than maybe a few lives saved? Give me a break really. Meanwhile buy a ticket and see what a positive message of recovery can do.

Time Can Change Me But I Can't Change Time

I knew I just knew this day would come. It actually came last Friday when I was at this meeting. I've been waiting for it. You would think maybe just maybe I would be happy about it, maybe even ecstatic. I'm not. Why?  Not sure to be honest. I mean this is what I did my whole life until about nine years ago. This is what I loved to do. This is what I lived for this was my breath, my soul, my mojo right?
So what's the problem? I don't know and believe me its got me pissed off.
OK if your still with me thanks but I can't promise it will get much better at all. So you have an idea of what I am talking about I'll have to turn back the hands of time.

OK I was an entertainer, musician, singer what ever you want to call it for a huge chunk of my life about 17 years and damn I was good. I had to go through many many obstacles but that didn't mean shit to me I had one goal and that was it. I accomplished a lot of my goal to do my art full time and I accomplished that for many years. I've done things and been to places people will never have the chance to experience. I've hung with the best and have been treated the way people only could wish for and as much as that may sound egotistical I can promise you this I never ever took a minute of it for granted.
Well about 7,8 or 9 years ago I can't really remember right now I said fuck it I don't want to do this anymore. I've had enough. Why did I say that? Not really sure, maybe the drugs became more important. There was also a ton and I mean a ton of other shit going on in my life which I am not going to get into so I think it may have been a combination of everything. Anyway that was it. Yeah I burned a lot of bridges at the end and its something I've tried to repair. Some people may never get past that and even though that sucks I accept that. I will also say I helped many many peoples lives and career. I put many people's wants ahead of my own and my first wife. We sacraficed a lot and that was my own fault there were many things I should have done differently but I can't foucus on those things because those instances are out of my control there is nothing I can do about the past except for make the future better right? So like I said I've tried to make amends where I could and some people can't accept that and I understand that again and if your one of those people reading this hey I love ya and when your ready I'm here.

So since the day I said "fuck it" I've regretted it everyday since but yet everyday since I haven't been able to say " OK let's do it". I have been getting stronger everyday though and Friday after having a brief conversation with someone I had just met and even though it has been my mind rather seriously the past couple of weeks this conversation ignited a spark within me probably because he told me he was going through something and guess what. Well what he told me was exactly what I have been going through. Obviously it was awesome just to know someone was going thru the same thing. That spark was still flickering in me throughout the weekend but today I felt like I took a step backwards and it pissed me off. Im not giving up though I'll make it happen somehow someday.CH CH CH CH Changes

I Want it All

Wow that is how we are these days. Instant Gratification is that society that we live in. Does my clean time or my recovery have a shortcut to the promise land or paradise ?
Recovery is not just a straight line to follow I find there is actually 3 things I need to work on in order for Recovery to happen.
1.Physical - living the way I did for years, you can not expect to not have consequences. My medical records suddenly turned into an episode of The Walking Dead but since then I'm not a perfect picture of health but I'm nowhere near appearing on The Walking Dead.
2.Mind -  OK years of toxic thinking, having no feelings what so ever, add in a dash or two of paranoia makes a person ohh what can I call it maybe certifiable? OK maybe not that bad but not good either. With recovery  you have to only change one thing. Everything!! and its not gonna happen in one basketball season.
3.Spirit- OK did you read #'s 1 and 2 well hopefully you won't need much convincing on this one. Really being in touch with my inner self just is not going to happen overnight. But that with time gets better and a lot quicker than you'd expect.
Pain is a fact of life. It is going to happen to us all in fact if you have never experienced some type of pain at some point or points in your life well all I can say is You must be lying and should probably seek help because your one step away from.....aw forget it just seek help. Anyway you see being an addict I would need to mask that pain and guess how I did that? Being a recovering addict, I realize what that pain is whether it is something from the past or right now in the present I need to make a choice a choice I never gave myself. Do I let this pain consume me or do I learn from it and move forward? In my recovery today I learn and move forward.
Today being in recovery allows me to live life completely all the good and all bad. I can have feelings of love,excitement,happiness,fulfillment but I will no doubt have feeling of fear,doubt and pain. Instead of hiding or running away from these feelings I can now face these feelings head on. Today being a recovering addict is great because I can face life and all it has to offer the good and the bad.

The Anonymous People Only 9 Days Left

April 6,2014 3:00pm at the Little Theater,Rochester,NY

Just to keep Everyone up to Date 70 tickets have been sold as of today.We have a little more than 9 days left until the screening.Everything that has been done so far to sell tickets has been done only with social media. Why other media is not responding I haven't a clue. I have sent an email to Film Critic Jack Garner asking for some help or suggestions on getting media to respond. The email went out this afternoon and I am looking forward to his response.

The movie is getting a lot of national attention and that can only help.

I have spoken with Congresswoman Louise Slaughter's office after receiving an inquiry email and she will be attending if her schedule permits.

So lots of great things happening surrounding the screening so tell your friends, coworkers,family whoever so we can have a sold out show.

90 tickets in only 9 days so that's only 10 tickets a day.

The only time you can buy tickets at the Little will be April 6 if any are left.

gathr.us/screening/7225

A Hard Habit to Break (God I Hate That Song)

So last night I got this email from a reader of this blog (Which I love getting by the way) and they said "What is the difference between a Habit and an Addiction?" They also proceeded to say "I might smoke pot on the weekends as a habit but in no way shape or form am I addicted." Then they said "Or am I ?"
Well let's get one thing straight first. I am not an expert on anything. I hold no degrees on anything. I am a recovering addict. Now I can give you an opinion based on my experience.
So let's start.....
First what is a Habit ?
A habit is done by choice. A person can stop a habit successfully when they make a choice to do so. When a person decides to stop there is no pshycological or physical component involved and is not an issue.

OK so what is an Addiction?
Now there is a pshycological/physical component involved.The person can not control the aspects of the addiction because of the mental or physical component involved.
Now I know 100% that I can not use any mood altering substance whether liquid or not because I have that disease of addiction. Maybe alcohol isn't really my thing. In fact there was a time you could put a six pack of beer in my refrigerator and it could sit there for a year. Marijuana is not my drug of choice but I know if I have either one it will lead to my drug of choice. Maybe not the first time I do it but eventually it will. That is just my disease at work.
Does my addiction want me dead? I truly don't know if it does or not. But I do know this, it loves to torture me.

So now that we know the diiference between a habit and an addiction they still are related by the fact of a habit can very easily become an addiction.
I also must say not all addictions are just not drug or alcohol based. People can have various types of addictions.

Shopping,Sex,Gambling,Porn, Money Video Games, Love, Internet, exercise. I could go on and on.

All of these addictions can lead to all sorts of problems  like financial, work issues, relationship issues and even social issues.

Now don't forget Addiction also will bring on those things we call feelings

Guilt, Shame,Hopelessness, Rejection, Failure, Anxiety, Fear,Despair,embarrassment, Humiliation just to name a few.

So to wrap this all up,with a habit you can have control of your choices but it becomes an addiction when you don't have controlled of your choices. 

Never Leave Home Again

I'm not a big endorser usually unless somebody is paying me of course. But I found this really cool site and a lot of my friends are out of time and when I travel I sometimes can't find support.
OK let me explain things a little clearer I am a recovering addict who works a twelve step program. This weekend I am hanging with my sisters dog "Miley". Miley is awesome and I love to spend anytime I can with her.
Anyway I have been cruising around some web sites and I found this really cool site called In The Rooms. If you happen to be in recovery and you belong to any fellowships than this website is for you. First off its free and when I signed up or  I guess the proper wording would be registered. I was greeted just like I am when I go to any fellowship meeting here with lots of love people offering any help with getting around the site.Any questions I had were answered and I was able to get into tons of discussion threads about questions I had about the fellowship I am in. I am also able to share my experience, strength and hope with others.
But here is the really cool thing, they have meetings pretty much throughout the day and anybody can join. You don't need a webcam or a camera to attend.
I actually attended two meetings today and they were awesome. People were from all over and I mean all over and I really liked all the different views on things I heard. All the support and opportunities I found really made my night. So when I have that good of an experience I endorse.
www.intherooms.com

Recovery CD Vol1

Recently someone asked me if I had to come up with a Recovery CD what songs would I have on it?

After much thought and consideration the songs I would put on it would be as follows.

Any suggestions leave a comment and we can use them for Volume II

Amazing -Aerosmith

This is a great song musically and the song never really got the respect I think it should have. The song talks about hitting bottom then surrendering and finding the light in the darkness. It also seems to show how the person in found recovery and instead of dwelling on the choices he may have made in the past, he learns to move on.

We are all on Drugs Weezer

I love Weezer great musicians they take on lots of serious issues in a light sense. This song is basically

Saying if you do drugs and you think your cool guess what your not your an idiot.

Mr Brownstone Guns N Roses

This is what I loved about Guns N Roses they wrote songs about what they were living at the time so all their lyrics put a new meaning to real time. This song is out their heroin addiction and where it took them

I Stay Away- Alice in Chains

This song was written right after the lead singer had just got out from rehab. He stayed clean for awhile but eventually went back out.

Should be Higher-Depeche Mode

The song is about being out to dinner one night during his recovery and everybody is having wine and the thought of its only one glass but he knows it would be like opening Pandora's box but his mind keeps telling him he should be much higher. Sometimes the lies are more attractive than the truth.

Repentance-Dream Theater 

This song is about steps 8 & 9 in the AA steps

Kingmaker -Megadeath

This song is about the epidemic running through our nation of people taking pain killers and how people are just running from their problems.People are so desperate to have that out of body experience yet they don't realize that music can do that for you, love can do that for you.

One Day at a Time-Joe Walsh

 This song is about how Joe had a moment of clarity during his drinking and cocaine addiction and how he had to relearn everything but this time clean. The song goes on to show how life is so much better being clean.

Word on a Wing-David Bowie

This song was written by David as a prayer to free him of his cocaine addiction that had him so wrapped up David was experimenting with black magic. David has also said he can't even remember recording this album Station to Station

Under the Bridge Red Hot Chili Peppers

This song was almost never made and just stuck in the back of Anthony Kiedis' notebook. The song is about Kiedis' addiction to heroin and how during recovery he had to stay away from his closest friends who were still using. During those dark days he realized it was his city that had stayed with him during his addiction and during recovery. Anthony was very hesitant about bringing this song to the group. Good thing he did as this is the biggest and most success full song to date.

That Smell

(This is Part III to the following "The Cats Out of The Bag-Part1 and "Help I Need Somebody-Part 2" It is recommended by the author to read Part 1 followed by Part 2 and so on and so forth But really I never listen to anybody so do what you want)

After spending a few weeks in ICU, they finally discharged me and brought me over to inpatient or as some people refer them as Treatment Centers. 
Now not all treatment centers are the same. Like everything in this world it all comes down to the almighty dollar or how good your health insurance is. There are your very lavish treatment centers where you are provided with your own private room with view of the ocean or mountainside. 500 thread count sheet in your king size bed with maid service,meals cooked to your perfection and a spa where you can get massages everyday.
I didn't have any money and had no insurance. The social worker that I spoke of in the earlier post had made arrangements to get me some financial assistant while they worked on getting me onto some type of health insurance. The accommodations were probably what bothered me the most there was this smell that just irritated me. On a cleanliness factor between 1-10 I would have given it a 4 at the most. 
Other than that I found the way treatment centers operate are basically the same.
I had a rigid schedule that started with wake up at 7a.m. and didn't stop until 10 p.m. that night. For me the main thing was the treatment center was safe I didn't have to worry about people places and things. They took your cell phone so I didn't even need to worry about the phone ringing. It was where I could actually start to get a few days of being clean. There was drama believe me  you are going to have that when you have all different walks of life and they spend all day and night together. Unless the drama affected me directly then I stayed out of it. Being on a schedule even though I may have hated it was good for me just for the reason of not being on any type of schedule for so many years.
Some of the other reasons treatment was good, is part of the road to recovery is a physical part and there I was able to take my meds on the correct schedule and I was monitored by a doctor and a physicians assistant.

I was also able to begin individual therapy and begin group discussions. Seeing that I had been isolating myself for some time I found this to be good. I was also educated on triggers that might be cause for me to relapse.
Most important was the introduction to two long term recovery 12 step programs which I practice today.

Help I Think I Need Somebody

(This Post is a continued to the Post "When The Cats Out Of The Bag" It is recommended by the author to read that post first. Thanks for visiting my blog.)

So there I am just out of a coma for I don't how long. I am strapped down to the bed so I wouldn't  rip the tube out of my throat. They take  the tube out ( not very fun). I then begin to demand they take off the straps holding me down ( poor nurses).Then I find out I got another tube going in me and the ICU Doctor is shoving a blood test  in my face and my family showing all the substances I tested positive for( so much for Hippa laws).
Cats out of the Bag right? Yes it is and to have to lay there and have to look at my family. The hospital tells me they wanted me to speak with a social worker. I normally would have put up a fight about seeing a social worker. I know this because during my active using I was extremely judgemental I would have thought I was too good to talk to a social worker.
But I was tired too damn tired I did not want to play this game any more. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I couldn't hustle the hustler in me was tired.

So I agreed to see the social worker. Doing this was the best decision I ever made and I wish to god I could have been smart enough to get her name because she was one of the people who helped save my life.
The social worker made sure all of my medical needs were being taken care of but the one thing she did do was convince me to go into a treatment facility after I got out of ICU.
Next up Inpatient

When The Cats Out of The Bag

When the cats out of the bag, you can look at it as "Thank God" or you can view it as  " The Shit hit the fan"in my experience it was both. I was so relieved that that huge secret was no longer a secret.
It was hard enough trying to figure out how I was gonna get the next one but add in the stress of keeping it from everybody.
So "When the Cat was out of the Bag" I was actually relieved. I was tired. I can't explain how tired I was. The guilt the shame the lies the fear. Wait did I say fear? Yes I did. This addict was scared of what would happen when everyone found out my BIG secret. The thoughts of would my family disown me? Would my non using friends shun me? Would I be treated like lepers were in biblical times. Would my girlfriend leave me? What in hell am I going to do?
This is when I felt the shit hit the fan. Now you must remember I was so self centered I felt the world revolved around me. I mean after all I may have turned the way I lived into animal like comparisons but I was the king of the jungle for the love of god.
Now I found out pretty quick my jungle was now a parking lot. When I came out of my coma I couldn't believe there wasn't a line of people going through my hospital room like a McDonald's drive through.Yeah maybe I had isolated myself from everyone for the past couple years but come on didn't the press print something? What about a spot on the evening news? Why are there no flowers in my room? No messages? No nothing? What about my dealer did he visit? What about my backups and my backups backup? Nobody? Nothing?
OK I think I need some help here? Somebody? Hello? I think I'm drowning here.

Tomorrow look for continuation of this post entitled "Help Arrives (I think).

Sleepless in Seattle

OK I'm not in Seattle but with the rain and the wind outside right now I might as well be. At least I could go out and get a good cup of coffee. I don't really drink coffee but if I lived in Seattle maybe I would. Well its 430 as I write this,that is 4:30 am. I can't sleep at all. Nope not a wink. I used to hate nights like this. When I was using and isolating myself from the world ( except my dealer of course) these would be the hours where either I ran out of cash or any dealer I knew stopped answering the phone. That last year or two of my using I was so sick and tired of begin sick and tired my days of pounding on their doors and windows at these hours was over I couldn't do it.
I don't get many of these sleepless nights any more.During my first year of being clean I had many sleepless nights. The nights that would really suck would be those using dream nights, I'd wake up from the dream and I'd swear the shit was on the nightstand, I'd jump out of bed and start looking on the floor for that bag.  Sometimes my mind would be so wicked I would think I had used it all and I'd be putting my jeans on getting ready to go get more. It would usually be when I was putting my second leg in my jeans that I'd be like " hey that was a dream go back to bed." I'd go back to bed but I'd be so freaked out no sleep was gonna happen. The last 6 months well no more using dreams (thank God). The sleepless nights are few and far between maybe once or twice a month. I'll be completely honest I hate them.
Let me set this straight first off the sleepless nights are nothing and I mean nothing like when I really was using those night were just constant racing thoughts of how early could I get the next fix? How was I gonna support my habit today? The scenarios,the planning, the back up plan, the back up plan to that. Believe me when I tell you being an active drug addict was a dangerous full time job, with 2 part time jobs on the weekend.
Many of you may think well at least I saw a lot of sunrises right? NO WAY I never watched sunrises they would just remind me that another dreadful day of an active drug user was about to begin. As much as I couldn't wait to get the next one, I also dreaded getting the next one. In fact many many days I hoped and prayed I wouldn't make it to the next morning.
I often hear many other addicts say My disease ( that would be "The disease of Addiction) wants me dead. I don't think that at all, in fact my disease (again - of Addiction) had its chance to have me dead 18 months ago. I am convinced my disease just loves to fuckin torture me.
So let's get back to tonight ( sorry, I can ramble sometimes.) Now the few sleepless night I have each month mainly consist of 1. My mind still racing of  thoughts of " Am I doing things right? Am I on the right track? 2. Conversations with my higher power the God of my understanding ( you can call it praying, if it makes you feel better) . 3. Thoughts of my chiropractor cause I think she's really smart and hot(That combination is new to me usually its just "hot" but yet I still never get the nerve...) 4. Thoughts of all the amends to the people I screwed over and if they will ever forgive me but even more important before any amends can be made I need to forgive myself and believe me that can make stay up for a few hours. 5. Did I mention my chiropractor? ( Actually I really hope she doesn't see this because she will just think or know how crazy I am.6. Conversations with my father even though he has been gone for 7 years there is not a day I don't think of him or the things he taught me that for many years I had forgotten . Those times with him I make sure I never forget. 7. I think about my other " defects of character I have and how I need to deal with those. 8. This has never happened before but tonight at 5:40 am I thinking about a bowl of cheerios.
Rock On My Friends.